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Many consider anger to be a secondary emotion – as in, it’s not the first emotion that you feel. Because the first one is the one that makes you feel vulnerable, feel pain, feel hurt. Anger comes in after as a protective mechanism through which many make a lot of… “first responses” through. It takes a lot of effort to go back to your first emotion, identify it, and truly understand why the situation upsets you.

The other night, I received an email from a colleague. To back the story up a little, I was once a part of a grassroots organization. I took a hiatus and decided to come back. I had only been back for a few weeks and this was the first event in which I had a role. I admit that my role was a little confusing and I tried to figure out what was asked of me, but perhaps I didn’t do it in an appropriate manner. Anyway, back to the email. So the colleague was the one who had planned the event and had assigned me the role. There was a disagreement at one point, but I didn’t think anything of it, but I guess the fact that I had so loudly voiced my opinion without checking in with her about any possible changes really irked her and prompted her to send me such an email.

While I am completely open to feedback about ways in which I can improve, the manner in which the email was sent to me was absolutely unacceptable to me. Maybe someone else who reads it will think nothing of it, but it was an email full of triggers. Here I am, trying to get back into an organization and I’m trying to tread lightly. I’m also in a vulnerable spot of trying to find a place where I fit in, a group with whom I can call my own and do social outings with because ever since childhood, I haven’t had something that lasted and it’s something that I’ve always wanted to have.

But the entire email made me feel unwelcome and after I sifted through my emotion of anger, I figured out why I was feeling so upset and so hurt by the email. And to be honest, although it’s not the best decision, I’m about ready to flee. If this is how I’m going to be treated in this group, even though it was done by one person, how will others feel about me? Am I still welcome? Is this something I even want to process? Should this be reconciled between me and this colleague? Maybe it’s still too fresh and the wounds still burn, but I’m not ready to go back and pretend as if nothing happened, because something did and I’m not okay with that.

I just came back from a pageant event tonight. I was perusing some of the images posted to the event page and one of the guests, a mother posted a picture of herself surrounded by the current pageant Court members. She made a comment in the caption about how “big” she felt compared to the other pageant ladies. One of her friends posted that “real women have curves… and boobs… and a butt.”

Those kinds of comments piss me off. To imply that those ladies in crowns are not real women because they’re not as big as the mother is total crap. And it’s not an isolated comment. A lot of women say that to each other, to make each other feel okay about their sizes. Not that they shouldn’t feel okay with any size that they are, but it’s like someone who I know who’s super hard-headed and stubborn would say – If you don’t like that you’re big (he would probably say “fat”), then exercise, change it, etc.

As a person who’s been struggling with her weight for the last few years, I can understand that it’s not an easy feat, but I am not going to demean anyone else to say that I am a “real woman” for having all my curves (the very many that I have). Women who are thinner are no more or no less “woman” than I am or someone who’s off the BMI chart is either. We, as women, need to stop this crap. If your friend has insecurities about her weight, don’t say that she’s better than the rest of them – ask her what she wants to do and support her decision. If she wants to diet and exercise, help her figure out how to get there. If she says she’s fine with it, but secretly wishes she could regain her college glory days, tell her that she’s a mother, that she’s an older adult and in general, she isn’t going to have the metabolism as someone twice her age, so she needs to understand that she can’t physically get there. Or whatever else she wants to say.

But don’t say that my ladies are not “women” because they don’t have “curves.” Or “boobs.” Or “butt.” Which I would dare argue that they all do, thank you very much.