[edit] For all my subscribers, sorry for all the new entry emails. I’m currently converting my files into WP pages and my plugin sends an email anyway. Thanks for understanding! [/edit]
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Are you tied to your heritage? Your culture? Are you prejudiced because of it? Do you feel as if you are placed at a disadvantage for who you are? Does your being of a particular culture define who you are or does it only make up a part of you? Are you proud to be what you are, despite the stereotypes? Do you consciously try to break those stereotypes?
I am an Asian American and although I love being what I am, I know that only in California can I exist in peace. I cannot go to my parents’ home country for in their eyes, I am an American. I cannot go elsewhere in America because in their eyes, I am Asian. Only in California do I feel accepted and appreciated to be this mixture of both, to be looked at as both American and Asian. Am I scared to leave? Yes. I am afraid that if I go elsewhere, I will have to start all over again as a foreigner, never truly accepted and always compared to the stereotype.
But I don’t want people to be blind to my culture or anybody else’s for that matter. We are who we are and we cannot change what is obvious.
Unfortunately though, there are always lost cultures, cultures that no one pays much attention to or no one puts much emphasis on. All the Asians, Blacks, and Latinos are clumped into those three major categories. And only briefly have we started to care about the Middle Easterns. But what about the rest? What about the Europeans, the true Americans, and all the missing people in between? Where do they go and how do we properly acknowledge their existence?
Is it a tragedy to say that you wish you had never been with or met a particular person? Is it sad to say that you almost wish you had never allowed for things to happen the way they did happen with this person?
Unfortunately, I have come to realization that I need to say that.
This person and I had a relationship and during that relationship, I let a lot of things slide. I completely lowered my standards and thought that if I loved him enough, I could look past it. Looking back now, I see that it was a foolish decision to make and I would have been better off without him.
What brought this on was the fact that I could not pull one life-long lesson out of this relationship besides Don’t lower your standards again. In my few relationships, I have been able to apply some lesson to my better being, but with this, I am saddened to say that I regret it.
So here’s my question(s) for you: How do you prevent yourself from ever doing that again? For me, during that time, I had no problem with all of the things that disgust me now. So, how do you know? How do you determine the difference between what is socially acceptable and your personal feelings for something taboo? Looking back, I realize that I’m ashamed and quite disgusted with myself. How do you know? What if at the time, you just don’t care about it? Is love that blinding? Or is it not love, but some manifestation that you’ve created to justify what you’ve done and put yourself through? If you can easily fall out of love, then is it really love? Is it that one true love? For a person who says it more often than she should, how do you know if it’s the one that deserves to hear such precious words?
Do you ever wonder sometimes if the pain you feel is just your mental response? It’s kind of like taking a placebo. Well, you don’t know about the fact that it’s a placebo, but when you take it, whether or not it truly is helpful, you feel better.
So my question is this: Is the pain you feel all in your head? Does it really hurt or is it because you happen to be thinking about it? How do you know or how do you distinguish the difference between the two? Do you need to be bleeding or are you already bleeding inside your emotions? Why does it hurt where it does?
Most importantly: how do you stop it? How do you control it? Do you numb yourself to the point where you don’t feel anything else? Where nothing else seems to matter and all you do is go about your day, put a smile on your face for the masses, and then go home, feeling the same empty feeling?
So, is pain just a mental thing? Is there a placebo for the emotional pain you put upon yourself?
If there is, then where do I find one?
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