Fear

03.11.07

Posted under: Life, Thoughts

People always say that love and hate are two very strong emotions, but I think fear could be a very close third. If there wasn’t that saying about how you can overcome your fears and whatnot, then I’d say it would be a tie, but since you can defeat fear, I’ll settle for third.

What I mean is this: how many times have you decided to do something absurd or ridiculous all because of fear? Did you stand on top a toilet when there was a mouse in the bathroom? Run quickly away from a large dog only to trip and fall on your face? Kept a secret from someone for fear of losing that person? There are so many things that we do, things that make no sense, yet at the same time, does.

It’s the fear of what can hurt us that really drives us, at least for a while anyway. In a trivial sense, I have a fear of spiders/bugs because they bite and heights because the higher you are, the more it will hurt to fall. On a deeper scale, I fear hurting those I love because that would confirm my already low sense of self-worth. Right now, I also fear heartbreak, again.

It sounds absurd, yes, but it makes sense to me. I mean, considering how I feel now, if by chance, and I do mean if, I fall for someone possibly farther than I am now, how much more would it hurt? I don’t even want to try and imagine how much more it would be because I’m too afraid. If I’m this affected, this empty, this stick-in-bad-feelings-here for something that I can’t even label as “love,” then what if I get my heartbroken by someone I love? How much worse can it feel?

So, it’s not so crazy, is it? All I want is to be alone for a very long time. I can’t say forever because I don’t know what forever’s going to look like, but I can at least say that for the next few years maybe, I don’t really want to get involved with anyone anymore. I don’t want to get attached because if I get attached, I will only get hurt when that person leaves, so it would be easier to not be attached. If by chance I notice that I am, then I will find a way to stop it. I just don’t need the stress, I don’t need the pain and I don’t need nor want to deal with my broken heart again.

Is that so much to ask for?

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Tags: fear, heartbreak, heartbroken, Life, love

16 Comments »

Julie announced:

Saturday, November 3, 2007 @ 10:38 am GMT-8

I believe you. After the “ex” left me, I didn’t want to have anything to do with men for a while. Which is why it took me YEARS to trust/love/whatever this one that I ended up marrying. Cause of the fear of the pain that would be there if I lost someone again. But eventually the fear goes away, so even if you shut people out, try to leave the door slightly cracked open.
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Maria said:

Sunday, November 4, 2007 @ 3:06 am GMT-8

I could leave it open, but then again, there’s still that chance that I could let the “wrong” person in, you know?
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Jessica stated:

Monday, November 5, 2007 @ 11:15 am GMT-8

I think that letting the “wrong” person in is a part of falling in love. You take the chance that one person in one place at one particular moment in time will be the one that you’re destined to be with, and if you let fear get in the way, where does that leave you? Living in a really old house with a bunch of cats with people referring to you as the ‘crazy cat lady’, and as far as I know, no one wants to end up like that.
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Maria remarked:

Monday, November 5, 2007 @ 8:09 pm GMT-8

Crazy cat lady wouldn’t be all that bad. Lol. But I get what you mean. There’s that chance that in my fear, I could miss the person I’m supposed to be with, but I also think that if I’m supposed to be with that person, then I’ll get another opportunity to let him in.
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SnowSiren typed:

Tuesday, November 6, 2007 @ 7:51 am GMT-8

Fear is truly a strong emotion. But I think love can pretty much overwrite it. I think. Hehe ^^
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Maria responded:

Tuesday, November 6, 2007 @ 9:22 am GMT-8

Assuming you find the right love otherwise, fear can consume all. But I do suppose that in a more ideal world, love conquers all.
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Margaret stated:

Saturday, November 10, 2007 @ 6:39 pm GMT-8

First off, lovely layout.

I’ve never been in love, but I’m naturally defensive and easily hurt and I know I’ll have a hard time opening up and letting myself fall in love.

If you need the “break”, you need the break. When and how to let go of that fear? Well… I don’t know. I’m still figuring that out in all my relationships.
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Maria commented:

Saturday, November 10, 2007 @ 6:46 pm GMT-8

Thank you. =)

You and me both Margaret, you and me both. The fear can consume us, but I think it depends on the circumstance. I’m finally understanding that the fear of losing him doesn’t trump the feeling of not being able to be me, to be the person I need to be to make him happy as a friend again.

Relationships take a lot of work and unfortunately, in many cases, one mistake ruins it all. But how do you get past that fear? I don’t know. I guess that’s why they call it the “leap of faith,” right? But what do you do when you’ve lost that faith?

I don’t know. Maybe you and I will figure it out one day.
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kiko said:

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 @ 10:37 pm GMT-8

im 20 y/o and an ex-band guitarist, and now,, blogging is my new life.

I get errors contacting you on your forms
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Mari expressed:

Thursday, November 15, 2007 @ 9:33 am GMT-8

Sometimes we all need time away from things. Whether it’s dating, love, life, school, work…

The important thing is…even when you truly just want to run away from it, you’re always leaving the door open just a little.

And as hard as you try, you can’t last long alone. You’ll start to realize after a while that you’re lonely. There’s only so long you can run and hide away before you get tired of it.

If that made any sense. Then again, Mari has essentially done what you want to do, but to an extreme and in a slightly different application. And it wasn’t fun.

Part of being alive is getting hurt. And the other half of that is healing.
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Amy said:

Friday, November 16, 2007 @ 1:20 pm GMT-8

I think that most fears are rational. They either stem from something in our primal self, or something deeper and more emotional. I understand what you’re scared of all too well, but it’s really hard to run from love. I think love will make you think just as irrationally as fear will sometimes. I guess it will just depend on which is a stronger feeling.
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Maria shouted:

Friday, November 16, 2007 @ 2:50 pm GMT-8

Mari,

Yeah, I suppose you’re right about the door being slightly open. As scared as I am, I’m still a little hopeful that someone someday will come and save me.
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Maria responded:

Friday, November 16, 2007 @ 2:50 pm GMT-8

Amy,

Yes, it does depend on which is the stronger feeling at the moment and I guess mine right now is fear. Hopefully, love will prevail. *cheesy, I know*
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Amber remarked:

Wednesday, November 21, 2007 @ 9:45 am GMT-8

Wow, I understand completely. But sometimes the right person comes in at the wrong moment. Don’t be afraid to fall again, because it could be the best.
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Erica voiced:

Wednesday, November 21, 2007 @ 6:14 pm GMT-8

Life is about taking risks, and not being afraid of taking them. It’s hard sometimes, I know it, but you’re not really living if you don’t take that risk of getting hurt. As the saying by Tennyson goes, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
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Elizabeth said:

Friday, November 23, 2007 @ 4:03 am GMT-8

In my experience, it’s a bit pointless to “decide” that you’re not going to fall in love for a set period of time. Rational thoughts have little to do with who you’re attracted to, or when. I think it can even be dangerous to close yourself off and expect to remain in control - it’s that much harder to open yourself up again in the future.

On the other hand…

Deciding to just focus on your own happiness is a constructive and positive thing. It won’t matter who comes in and out of your life if you actually feel okay about the person you are, and your own self-worth. It will still hurt when people leave, but you may find yourself feeling sorry for them for missing out on something great, rather than beating yourself up over it.

And then you’ll just jump back on the horse and look out for somebody more deserving of your time and energy. Take the plunge, and be good to yourself.
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