Has The Knife Been Removed Yet?

09.04.07

Posted under: Relationships

Quick site updates: Boscardin’s first anniversary is coming soon and for that, I’m doing a major site revamp including a new layout. Right now, the site runs on both Wordpress and manual pages (as I like to call them). The revamp will make this site run mostly by Wordpress, so I’m in the process of converting everything. I did a cleanup of those hosted here and I’ve kept about five active and added two new ones. Anyway, stick around the next couple of weeks to see the new site!

(Back to the good stuff now…)

Recently, I had a friend contact me just to say hello, to see how I was doing, and to apologize for having left me hanging. I wrote a “last letter” type of thing a while back on this post.

Anyway, when she first sent me that IM, I was hesitant. I didn’t know how I should reply: Should I be cold and unresponsive, or should I try and be relatively friendly? Well, I chose the latter and made small talk with her. It wasn’t as much as I would have said if I didn’t hold so much animosity, but it was more than a cold shoulder.

So this got me thinking then about relationships and friendships in general. There comes a time in your life when you realize that the person you thought was going to be there, isn’t there anymore or that person just happened to have taken a blade, sliced your bloody heart out and hung it to dry. For many, that can create feelings of hate, betrayal, distrust, and much more.

My question then is whether or not you should ever accept this person back into your life again. Yes, people can change for the better, but does it help lessen the hurt and pain you went through? You can get over it and move on, but the relationship will never be the same as it once had been. It will never hold its full glory and shine like the best jewels. But will you accept this person who has caused so much pain in your life, heart, and soul back?

Sure, many will say to give this person another chance, but what if you already had? Maybe the better question is whether or not you want this person back into your life? What if you’re indifferent about this person now? Then, does it make a difference? Should you continue to be amiable to this person when s/he initiates contact?

How long do you hold that grudge? How long do you choose to remember the pain?

What if that person is no longer holding the knife, but you are?

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Tags: friend, mistakes, past, People, relationship

30 Comments »

Jules said:

Monday, April 9, 2007 @ 12:41 am GMT-8

I think that whether or not to let them back in your life depends on the situation, but I believe you should be civil if you can. If not? Let them go. Ignore them. You will be much better off.
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Stockton Boy typed:

Monday, April 9, 2007 @ 4:20 am GMT-8

There is a thing called forgive and forget. I don’t forgive and I never forget personally, but never act out that hate for that person. They may know how you feel, but always if around that person you act with dignity. I do with the one I hate. That person knows that I can’t stand them. That persons actions to and against me lets that person know. But I will never act with disdain around that person unless they do something to me in front of me. Then I will unleash the hell I have built up. But never lose yourself unless that person calls upon it.
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Julie replied:

Monday, April 9, 2007 @ 6:18 am GMT-8

Sometimes being a good friend means letting people hurt you and then come back to you only to hurt you again. Then we get enough and cut them out of our life. Personally, I’m a people hater, so if people treat me like crap or hurt me, I tend to just give up on them. But I have a hard time being mean and jerky when (if) they try to be nice to me again after a time has passed and we’ve had a chance to cool off. And I think that’s where you are as well. You can be nice and friendly but still distant. You can still show that you won’t be like that person by bitching back, but you won’t let them in close either. If that person truly came around and wants to be close again, it will hurt them that they caused that distance. And I think that’s a good punishment.
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Kathy replied:

Monday, April 9, 2007 @ 11:10 am GMT-8

Nice site! Wow, anniversary? 1 year already! Good job! The site is looking great!

I am not going to give advice because I dislike interfering in one’s life, BUT, I will say that … grudges are hard to let go. You might befriend her again, but the friendship probably won’t be the same as it was before.
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Lisa commented:

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 @ 8:45 am GMT-8

You have to decide whether you are better off with or without that person.
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Naco stated:

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 @ 7:06 pm GMT-8

Happy early birthday to the site! That’s always exciting Hmm for me it depends on the person and what they did in the first place. If we just simply lost touch then communicating with them again is no big deal at all, even though it may be awkward at first. However, if we had some big blow out then it’d be really awkward and it would probably take a while for me to trust them again/want to be friends with them again if ever. So in the end I think it depends on the circumstances and the people in involved in it as well.
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Sarah announced:

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 @ 7:45 pm GMT-8

Hm. If I were in your situation then, me being so sensitive and such, would probably gradually forgive the person. God knows that that’s bit me in the ass many times though. :-\
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Joyce voiced:

Friday, April 13, 2007 @ 6:46 am GMT-8

I’ve been wondering the same things myself for a while now. The fact that it’s my own sister that I’ve got these issues with always made me want to give her a second chance (then third, then fourth…) but it seems that even in this situation I have my limits. So I haven’t spoken to her in over three months now (which is still nothing compared with the three years we once went without talking or seeing each other at all). This kind of thing is always hard, but I think I probably wouldn’t have been so forgiving had it been anybody else. I never forget, and forgiving isn’t always easy either, especially after having been stabbed in the back a few times myself.
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Maria expressed:

Friday, April 13, 2007 @ 11:39 am GMT-8

@Jules
That is true. Civility is the best thing to hold onto. I try and ignore as much as I can, but since she’s been in my life for so long, it’s harder for me to just let go.

@Stockton Boy
I won’t.

@Julie
You’re right; it’s harder to be mean to someone after you’ve let time pass and they’ve been trying to be nice to you, but at the same time, it’s hard to forget.
Hopefully she will have realized that in the end, it was all up to her and what she wanted to do.

@Kathy
Thank you.
That’s a good statement to have. I wasn’t really asking for meddling; I was just hoping for people to put in their own thoughts since I already had my decision made.

@Lisa
I’m better off without that person, but if she were to come back, I wouldn’t really care.

@Naco
Luckily, there are only two people involved: me and her, but I’m just not ready to give her the break again.

@Sarah
My butt too.

@Joyce
It is so much harder when you’re related to the person, no? You’re right; had your sister been anyone else, it would’ve been easier.
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Miranda commented:

Friday, April 13, 2007 @ 12:21 pm GMT-8

Ahh, this is something I’ve pondered quite a bit lately. If you do give them another chance things will never be the same again, like you said. Really, 98 percent of the time I’ve actually gone ahead and given someone another chance something has ended up happening again. On the other hand I’ve had a couple instances where they’ve ended up better, but what had happened in the first place wasn’t that major to begin with. It all comes down to the people involved, how hurt you were, what your relationship was like to begin with… So much to think about right?! Just like there’s so much that goes into each situation to make it different. It’s never an easy decision *hug*
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Cody said:

Friday, April 13, 2007 @ 12:58 pm GMT-8

I don’t easily give people my trust, so when they break it… it’s pretty much over.

However, it really depends on the person and the situation. I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of whether something was a one-time mistake or something that’s bound to happen again and again.

I’d try to find a balance between civility and opening myself up as a doormat.
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Elizabeth commented:

Friday, April 13, 2007 @ 2:35 pm GMT-8

I love my momma host
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Maria announced:

Saturday, April 14, 2007 @ 7:22 pm GMT-8

@Miranda
Yes, things won’t be the same again. It’s sad though to see the person you let back in stab you… again.

@Cody
I like civility, but I’m such a doormat. I think with her, civility is the best route.

@Elizabeth
Aww, thank you!
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Miranda wrote:

Saturday, April 14, 2007 @ 7:51 pm GMT-8

Civility is usually the best way to go if it’s possible (’cause sadly it isn’t always). It’s certainly a lot better than the drama that can come from alternate options.

It really is sad to have it happen again… maybe even worse than it was the first time because you feel like you should have known better. Like that saying “fool me once, shame on you.. fool me twice, shame on me” - that really fits this kind of situation and you can feel like a real idiot.
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Margaret voiced:

Sunday, April 15, 2007 @ 8:09 am GMT-8

I think if I were in this situation, I would probably not let that person back in my life. I guess it ultimately depends on the person though.

I, like Cody, don’t trust people so quickly, and if I trusted someone, and they broke that trust, I would be very hurt indeed.
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Janelle replied:

Sunday, April 15, 2007 @ 11:59 pm GMT-8

Wow! Your site is almost a year old.

With your question, I don’t know. It’s easy for me to forgive but I rarely forget. I guess, only time can tell. And I also hope that time can heal all wounds of the past.
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Faith Bowie declared:

Monday, April 16, 2007 @ 8:46 am GMT-8

God, I’m terrible with grudges. I can’t think of a single one I’ve let go of yet, LOL. I forget pretty easy, and forgive pretty easy but I can’t wait to never let the person forget about it, seriously. I’m such a bad person, lmao.

I don’t think I’d be able to trust someone again if they stabbed me in the back, especially someone who was close to me.
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Lizzie voiced:

Monday, April 16, 2007 @ 1:31 pm GMT-8

a year? wow congratulations.
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Maria stated:

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 @ 4:03 pm GMT-8

@Miranda
Yes, that quote is quite true in this case.

@Margaret
Trust is very important indeed and you’re right, it also depends on the person you’re dealing with.

@Janelle
Time can only heal so much because you can still feel the pain years from now.

@Faith Bowie
You forget, but somehow make it so the other person doesn’t? Eh? Well, I wouldn’t say she backstabbed in the first incident; she bitched me out without giving me any notion that she was upset with me.

@Lizzie
Thanks. And I love how you completely skipped over all the following paragraphs too.
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Angel stated:

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 @ 11:25 pm GMT-8

How interesting that one of my friendships have just ended and this is the subject of your blog. To be honest, I don’t hold any animosity. Did it hurt? You bet your ass it did, but I learned to get over it and heal.

I’ve struggled with a lot of trust issues my whole life, so I don’t know how willing I’d be to let someone back into my life. I’d give it a try, but I would, nor could I ever fully trust that individual.

It’s true we might reestablish a friendship, but it wouldn’t be what we had at one time. It would be different.

Honestly, it really depends on the person as to the way they react when a friendship ends. I’m the type to roll with the punches and try to resume life as best as I can. I’ll hurt, but only behind closed doors.

Either way, whatever you decide good luck. I hope it turns out the way you intended.

And also congrats on 1 yr.
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A random guy declared:

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 @ 2:39 am GMT-8

Hey I know this may probably mean nothing, but your former best friend does care for you, even though all the ish you two have been through and you guys stopped talking. She has never stopped caring. She may have said some things but who doesn’t during an argument? And yeah all she wants to do is at least have peace with you.
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Maria announced:

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 @ 11:43 am GMT-8

@Angel
You make it sound so easy just to kind of get on with life. I guess, in a sense it is, but at the same time, I keep catching myself looking back and thinking about all the stuff.

@A Random Guy
“I know this may probably mean nothing”
You don’t know enough about me to make that kind of assumption or analysis.
“…does care for you”
I never said that she didn’t.
“She may have said some things but who doesn’t during an argument?”
Oh no. There was never an argument to begin with for things to be said. Things were said behind my back that through my shady actions, I found out. Even after the first incident, I got through it and let her back in just to see it all happen again.
“All she wants to do is at least have peace with you.”
She can have my civility. That’s as much as I’m going to give her for now.
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Carla typed:

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 @ 5:43 pm GMT-8

That’s a lot of great questions, and I think it all depends on whether or not you really want to try again. Also, having said that, you have to look at what kind of friendship/relationship you will have if you do give them another chance. It will never be the same, but in some cases it could be something worth having still. Also it could be best just to be civil when you’re around her and go on with your life. I’m sure that your decision will be the right one for you, and that’s what matters.
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Alicia declared:

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 @ 9:38 pm GMT-8

Hey, I’ve been so busy lately thatI haven’t found much time to comment you. Lovely site, as expected. How have you been? Also, about the WAK Q&A I’ll be updating it asap.
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Maria replied:

Thursday, April 19, 2007 @ 2:13 am GMT-8

@Carla
“…look at what kind of friendship/relationship you will have…”
^ It won’t be the same and will probably be filled with drama.
Yes, I will move on.

@Alicia
Thank you for updating. And I’ve been doing swell.
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Lizzie voiced:

Thursday, April 19, 2007 @ 1:17 pm GMT-8

Sorry, I had to go but I read them.
Last week I started to hate one of my best friends. And I realised that nothing is for ever, that is said, one year before I told her thet if we fought, we had to forget that and keep being best friends, and now I hate her. She talks to me like I’m nothing and I don’t too… whether I had to be cold and be mad. Or talk her gently like if she was being my friend… I know that she drop it, but I’m still with the knife. I know that she can get the knife again… I’m really sorry. That paragraphs are important. Sorry sorry sorry.
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Jack wrote:

Thursday, April 19, 2007 @ 10:29 pm GMT-8

That’s a really tough call, but I’d ask you if you think there’d be any value in this friendship. With me, I wouldn’t really be able to trust them, and I have a hard time being friendly with people I can’t trust or people who’ve hurt me. If that’s not the case for you, I’d tell you to risk it.
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Janelle answered:

Friday, April 20, 2007 @ 12:13 am GMT-8

@Janelle
Time can only heal so much because you can still feel the pain years from now.

Maybe, Maybe not. I guess that depends on the degree of the situation. If it’s not that grave then, it’s easy to forgive and forget. But if it’s somewhat “traumatic”, it’s a different story
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Mari remarked:

Saturday, April 21, 2007 @ 11:53 am GMT-8

Personally…no. Never let them back into your life. Then again, if you really think they’ve changed…maybe.

You’re right, it will never be the same. It’s a very difficult thing to do, letting go of grudges. Very few people can do it completely. Sometimes grudges are there for a reason.

When it’s you holding the knife…then you ought to sit down and meditate, think it out as to why your feelings are still hurt.

Mari has been thinking about this recently, too. Just didn’t have a good enough answer until now.
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Maria announced:

Saturday, April 21, 2007 @ 1:25 pm GMT-8

@Lizzie
It’s okay; it didn’t seem right that you skipped them all over, that’s all.
You did what you thought you had to do best. Don’t worry too much about it.

@Jack
If it were the first or second time, I would have risked it and in fact, I did. If there’s any value left, then I can’t see it.

@Janelle
It’s not all that traumatic, but it does hurt quite a bit.

@Mari
I think I know why they’re still hurt and I think that I’m just holding on longer than I should be, but it helps me remember to be careful next time. (You can see how unsure I am of it all with the “I think”s)
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