Bittersweet Memories
09.05.08
Posted under: Life, People, Relationships, Site, Thoughts
I know, I said that I would come back better than ever with a new layout, but things have gotten a little time consuming lately. In a nutshell, I worked my ass off for the clothing store from hell, got fired before I could quit, then started a new job as a cashier at a market/deli. On top of that, I was trying to get schoolwork done and started putting in a few more social events. I’ll write a recap post on that later.
Lately, I’ve noticed how much I’ve been thinking about the past. Sure, I do that all the time, but as of late, it’s had a different feeling… it’s more of the remembering the good days, or remembering the good people.
Not necessarily through death, but I’ve lost a lot of good relationships with people and I absolutely hate that, I do. It’s hard for me when it happens, but I just have to try and pick myself up, and move on.
Except at least right now, it feels exceptionally hard.
In the last four years, I’ve lost a lot of people. There was a good friend (DT) who won’t speak to me now due one mistake I foolishly made, my senior year boyfriend (MN), my childhood best friend (VN) I had known ever since kindergarten, my breaststroke swimming partner (AL), and many others. Sure it’s all a fact of life; people grow up and they grow into different groups and lives, but even the most different of people can keep friendships, right?
Of course, to seal the deal to all this reminiscing, Stockton Boy and I had a major blowout a few days ago. I could see that what happened with VN was happening with Stockton Boy; he was getting too busy for me despite having told me it could never happen. But it did and I ended up getting extremely upset. My stress was fueled even more when he couldn’t understand how hurt and upset I was because his guards had gone flying up.
Although I know that he wasn’t on anyone’s good side anymore, I still wanted to be his friend. I needed to be his friend because he was the closest thing I had to being able to lean on someone without feeling as if I was imposing on someone’s schoolwork and time. Then, in the last month, he wasn’t there and I just… I couldn’t handle it; I can’t handle it.
What does all this have to do with the past? A lot of people get upset when they think back on how things used to be. If I didn’t, maybe I wouldn’t have blown up like I did at Stockton Boy. I wouldn’t have thought on the days when we used to call each other (as friends) just to say goodnight for fifteen seconds. I wouldn’t have thought back on the time I was walking through my school hallways after being dumped and seeing DT right there with his arms open wide for me. I wouldn’t think back on the times MN and I used to be on the phone for hours teasing each other about useless crap. I wouldn’t remember all of the three-hour long conversations (and possibly longer) with VN and how close we were as friends despite how far apart we lived. If I didn’t think back on any of those, I wouldn’t feel as shitty as I do now. Most people wouldn’t feel so shitty if they didn’t do what I do. Except, it’s hard.
I had a feeling that a ex-boyfriend, MM, I recently got reacquainted with may have a crush on me again and last night, it was confirmed. He was doing what I did; he was thinking back to how good things were when we dated, however short it was. I know that in some cases, and for now only the ones that I’ve seen in movies, some people can date, fall out, get reacquainted and then date again to have an even better relationship. Except, this isn’t one of those movie moments and only when I got the confirmation did I realize how dangerous it is to remember the good ol’ days.
It’s ironic that so many good memories can be so bittersweet, but it happens.
So what now? How do you try and change your focus? It will always be the good ol’ days, but how can you make it have a good feeling as opposed to a longing feeling? Maybe it’s just slowly trying to come to terms with it, but as you can see in my case, I never came to terms with any of my lost friendships, my lost relationships.
I was reading a book, The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo, and through that, I could see how easy it was for the protagonist to just let go of the past. Through his journey, he didn’t dwell on the fact that he couldn’t see the merchant’s daughter one more time, and used his good memories on his shepherding days to get what he needed out of his journey. (I highly recommend this book to everyone, by the way) There is this word in Arabic, maktub, that is loosely translated to: It is written. This book is a good example of that because it implies that if things were meant to be, if things were meant to happen, then it will be because it was written by God.
I do believe in that word; that there’s fate, destiny, and a God who doesn’t necessarily control, but puts certain events and people in your lives for a reason. In the end, if it was meant to happen and meant to be, it will be. If I was meant to continue to have good relationships with those people, I would and if I don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.
Anyway, that’s a whole other topic that I can write on, but the main point from the last two paragraphs is just the other way of thinking I suppose. Maybe it’s not supposed to be easy or be less painful; maybe it’s just supposed to be.
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Hopefully one day soon, I will get that new damned layout up. I have the picture I’m going to use; I just need to find the time to code everything and make sure all the plugins I want to use will work. I apologize for the rather long hiatus and for those who came back to visit only to see that the new posts were advertisements (hey, I need all the income I can get at this point). I’ll write a page explaining my stance on that soon.
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Tags: destiny, fate, friend, friends, God, maktub, memories, past, relationship, Stockton Boy, The Alchemist
16 Comments »
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Chris M commented:
Friday, May 9, 2008 @ 9:53 am GMT-8
Hey gorgeous,
Just popping in to have a read and send you a big hug and a kiss!
Julie typed:
Friday, May 9, 2008 @ 12:06 pm GMT-8
It’s nearly impossible to look back at all the good and not feel some pull at your heart for friends and relationships you’ve lost. I know when I look back at things in high school, even though it’s been so many years, I still feel sad for the friendships and relationships that were lost. It’s normal, and it’s human. You sent me that book for my birthday huh? I’ll have to make time to read it soon, it sounds good. Anyway, at least the two of us have kept our friendship healthy
Jessica remarked:
Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 10:32 am GMT-8
I think that growing up consists of losing relationships and moving onto new ones. But it also consist of remembering things that we sometimes don’t wish to remember.
Michael remarked:
Thursday, May 15, 2008 @ 5:37 pm GMT-8
You can’t go back to the past, so you’ve no choice but just let it be. People come and go everyday of our lives for some reasons according to Buddhism. It’s “the facts of life.”
Risa announced:
Friday, May 16, 2008 @ 8:37 am GMT-8
Good luck on getting the new layout up
I’ve never been one to dwell on the past,as I live by the saying if you dwell on the past you wont notice the future…
Bad things happen, people change I’m going through exchange between all my friends and even myself but it’s just part of growing up getting older, if a friend is truly a friend things will work out in the end.
Michael Aulia shouted:
Sunday, May 18, 2008 @ 4:08 pm GMT-8
In my opinion, forgetting about the past doesn’t mean you won’t remember the events at all.
It’s about “Hey it happened, I’m sorry, I want to change. I can’t change the past, but I can change things in the future!”
I know this may be hard (pride, etc), but if you really are sorry about what you did to your friends in the past, maybe send an email or an SMS to each of them, and apologize for what you did wrong.
However, don’t expect them to do anything in return or forgive you. It’s their responsibilities, but you have done yours. And you’ll feel better knowing that, as you don’t hold any more grudges against them.
It’s then up to them whether they want to reconciliate back to you or not, but don’t get disappointed if you don’t..
Make a pound typed:
Wednesday, May 21, 2008 @ 4:07 pm GMT-8
Hey thanks for stopping by my blog
Reading this post makes you sound like some one I used to know… it’s freaky makes me think about the past a bit.
I have to say I like the look of your blog, loving the red and black.
Christina commented:
Thursday, May 22, 2008 @ 6:21 am GMT-8
You can go on with your life while still remembering the past. A few summers ago, I hung out with a small group of friends every day. Literally, every day. We would do everything together. Later on that year, we had a huge fall out and am now only friends with two of the people. The three of us still get together every once and a while and talk about all the fun times we had in our group even though we’re not all friends anymore.
Vickie commented:
Thursday, May 22, 2008 @ 7:59 am GMT-8
I used to be good friends with these three people, but after a few unhappy incidents, and particularly now that we’re all in different parts of the world, we no longer talk to one another — not even online because of the different time zones. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’ve moved on, but I actually still dream about them sometimes. :S
Belinda declared:
Saturday, May 24, 2008 @ 2:01 am GMT-8
I try and think that everything happens for a reason, it’s really my only positive outlook on life.
Moonie announced:
Sunday, May 25, 2008 @ 8:36 pm GMT-8
I think it’s difficult not to long for what once was, but usually I will tell myself, like you discussed, that things happen for a reason. While I feel our choices do have an effect on what happens to us, I believe that ultimatley, as do you, what is meant to happen will happen. It helps to ease the dwelling. And besides, you can’t change the pass, only the here-and-now. And sometimes you can’t even change that, when other people are inolved, because they have their own lives.
Of course, there are times when it seems impossible not to dwell and not to get upset over changes, but hey, we’re not perfect.
I say that if you can learn from your past than you’ll really have something going for you in the future. Your past is your history, now you need to work on making your future the best it can be.
Good luck with everything.
Dani expressed:
Monday, May 26, 2008 @ 7:31 am GMT-8
I feel the same way about the good parts of high school sometimes (since some of the students at my high school were… erm, a bit crazy).
Especially one of my old friends, who when I was a sophomore tried to kill himself and almost succeeded. He was out until my senior year due to medical reasons, as they literally had to graft skin back on almost all of his body. I worry every day that without his friends like me and Tiff around, he might try to kill himself again and succeed and all of that.
Fatima replied:
Monday, May 26, 2008 @ 4:51 pm GMT-8
While I agree that you shouldn’t dwell on the past…it’s a good thing to reminisce about it and be able to learn from your mistakes. My closest friends say that I’m good at burning bridges - but it’s really hard for me trust people and when they betray me, I never see them the same way again.
I love “The Alchemist”! I think it’s the best story about following your dreams… Oh, have you read “Veronika Decides to Die” (best story about life) and “By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept” (best story about love) by Paulo Coelho?! I highly recommend them
Destiny shouted:
Tuesday, May 27, 2008 @ 11:18 pm GMT-8
We’re always plagued by the “what ifs” of the past or some things that are coming back. But follow your heart and what you feel is right… but also prepare for yourself. Sometimes, second chances do happen, but not very often have I seen it work out completely. Best of wishes to you!
Morbid Romantic expressed:
Friday, May 30, 2008 @ 12:31 am GMT-8
My stance is that I refuse to look on the past with the sort of regret that makes me feel bad inside or might halt me in any emotional way. I remember the past and I reflect on it often, but it’s always to become stronger or to remind myself of something I learned about life or me.
Shoko answered:
Sunday, June 1, 2008 @ 7:23 am GMT-8
I’m sorry, but everyone loses friends but we always make new ones. It’s not healthy to dwell on the past. I wish you the best of luck for what is to come.