Cigarettes and Stockton Boy

23.02.08

Posted under: Changes, Life, Thoughts

As some of you may (or may not) know, I recently picked up a rather nasty habit (or at least nasty to me): I started smoking. This began a few months ago and I tried to keep it under wraps for a while. In the beginning, I would only do it in my own company, never around anybody else. Then I started doing it as I was just out on the streets (and yes, I tried my best to be considerate to those who were walking around me). I never really let anybody in on the frequency of my nasty habit; I just mentioned it if it was either brought up or worth mentioning. I had briefly mentioned it before to my doctor, but I don’t think I let him in on where I had my first cigarette.

Yes, this may be a bit shocking, but I had my first cigarette right next to Stockton Boy’s apartment building. No, he did not see me and I think a part of me wanted him to. When I brought this up again with my doctor on Friday, he mentioned that perhaps I was doing it because of him.

Here’s an example (unrelated to this): Your dad tells you to not jump on the bed but you do it anyway either to spite him or to defy him. Well, for me, I doubt that I was spiting anyone; it was more of a defiance. Stockton Boy hates alcohol and smoking, so what do I do? I pick them both up. Well, the alcohol had already been a social thing for me, so it wasn’t as if I was making a big life change, but the smoking? Now that was big.

So after I went through all of my studying, I finally got a chance to breathe and I thought about the whole topic some more. I realized that although he has a much less involvement in my life now than he did a few months ago, Stockton Boy still has a control over my life and I hate that. I hate that I may have started smoking in order to do what he did not want me to do and I hate that even six months later, I’m still a wreck. But at least I was able to make a decision during this thinking process of mine: I’m quitting.

During these last two months, I kept wondering why I was smoking when I knew how detrimental it was to my health and I knew how badly it smelled to most people. Now I know and now I can finally tell myself that it’s a stupid reason to have done it in the first place. But hey, sometimes you need to make mistakes in order to grow as a person, right?

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate all of the love and support so many of you have shown me. Yes, I am still planning on returning and replying to all comments as well as catching up on my RSS feeds. Though, if I could just ask for one thing: Don’t leave ‘It’s good you’ve quit.’ comments unless you plan to expand. I know, it’s a bit picky, but I feel as if I’m standing here sharing my secrets that even my sister doesn’t know (until she reads this) and this is a post that deserves much more than that.

Good night folks.

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Tags: Blog365, cigarette, control, decisions, defiance, defy, Life, smoking, Stockton Boy

27 Comments »

Martini responded:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 12:28 am GMT-8

I feel like being defiant… It’s good that you’ve quit. lol
But, believe it or not, I started smoking at a really young age. I used to ask my great grandpa for little puffs. But now that I now all the effects of smoking and the diseases you can get, no way. If you need help quitting and get grossed out easily you should really look at the pictures. Eww… But at least you discovered the root of your problem, that’s the first step to recovery. Good Luck!!!:):)
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narissa announced:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 7:40 am GMT-8

there’s a saying that ‘one cigarette can cause you cancer’. i am glad you’re thinking about quitting and i hope you would be zealous about it.
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rowmel declared:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 11:16 am GMT-8

I’ve had the exact same problem, except it was more of stress than another person. It was when my mom had a mild-stroke and I just couldn’t cope with it so I started smoking. It’s been over a year now, and I still have a left over pack of cigarettes in a box in my room. I look at it everyday, it’s kind of like the tell-tale heart, just beating for me. But I finally came to terms with it and it’s just there as a reminder never to go back. I like your post, and even though I don’t know you (I found you through U DROP I FOLLOW) I’m proud of you.
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Julie shouted:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 12:53 pm GMT-8

I’m so glad you figured it out, cause otherwise it’s hard enough to quit without serious motivation. You’ve really gotten better at digging deep and realizing things about yourself and I am very proud of you for that! *HUGGLES* Good luck in your goal to quit. At least you haven’t done it long enough to really be addicted, right?
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Shelly stated:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 3:22 pm GMT-8

Oy, smoking is a bad habit and it really surprised me when I first read that you picked it up. But yes, it’s true that people tend to do things when others tell them not to. A sign of trying to get their attention perhaps? But it’s the wrong kind of attention half the time, and I’m not really going to lecture you about the “wrongs” of it because anyone would know the consequences of smoking. Because if they didn’t…iono, it’s just not something that people need to be lectured about at this age.

Especially not you, since you seem to know perfectly well the wrong of it. But it’s just that something inside of you makes you do it anyway. This is a complicated thing for you to be going through, and while I don’t know what type of advice I could give you to make you feel better, I know that it’s not just a simple “I’m smoking and now I’m quitting” ordeal.

It’s got meaning to you and it really seems to be hurting you that you DID start smoking in the first place. *hugs* I’m just happy that you were able to think things though and arrive upon a decision, one that will hopefully help with your efforts to recover and heal yourself. Please continue to take care of yourself my dear, and turn that hate of his control over your life into motivation to get your life back into your own hands. And I’m sure, even with this single decision of yours, you’ll be making a big step towards improving. ^^

I know I haven’t been around much, and I feel bad that there isn’t more than I can say at the moment. But be strong!!
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fragileheart expressed:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 9:41 pm GMT-8

It’s good to quit.
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fragileheart commented:

Sunday, February 24, 2008 @ 9:45 pm GMT-8

lol I was only joking with the last one ;P

I’m glad to hear you’ve decided to quit… I hope it’s not too tough for you. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be addicted. I’ve only ever been addicted to chocolate.

I used to smoke, but I was also working 18-20 hour days with only about 1/2 an hour a day to eat. So I was living off caffeine, cigarettes and adrenaline. I wasn’t ever reliant on them though… I smoked when I needed a break, and the best place to go for a break was to go up to the wheelhouse (I used to work on boats as an event manager) and smoke with the chain smoking captain. The bottom line of my story is, that I can’t be of much help… because I didn’t need any tricks to quit. I just did… so all I can really say is:

I wish you all the best!!
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Michael announced:

Monday, February 25, 2008 @ 2:03 pm GMT-8

The fact that you started smoking to spite your ex-boyfriend or whatever tells me that you’ve got an issue with over-dependence. In another word, you are possessive and needy.

Am I wrong?
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Kathy declared:

Monday, February 25, 2008 @ 6:17 pm GMT-8

It’s good that you know why you smoke. I hope that helps you quit. I think I’m overly defiant and spiteful, they’re not good traits but I use it to compete with people (for grades).

xD I actually think that cigarettes smell good. That’s why I would never smoke, I’ll definitely be hooked.
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Cecelia replied:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 @ 1:51 pm GMT-8

I did exactly the opposite of what you think you did - I stopped because of a boy.. he refused to kiss me when I had been smoking so there was only one thing to do

good luck with quitting, as long as you stay focused on WHY you are quitting it’s not that hard..
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Gill replied:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 @ 10:41 pm GMT-8

At least you know the reasons why you started smoking are the same reasons why you’re giving it up. I hate that boys have that much control over us girls sometimes.
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Erica typed:

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 @ 6:45 am GMT-8

Good for you!! Be strong!
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erin declared:

Thursday, February 28, 2008 @ 2:39 pm GMT-8

Smoking is pretty bad, I used to smoke but quit after seeing family members die of cancer from it.
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Jhase responded:

Friday, February 29, 2008 @ 5:45 am GMT-8

Never got into the whole smoking habit, but I have come to understand why some people smoke. Its a good stress relaxer, just with dangerous side effects.

Its a good thing you’re quitting. Us young people don’t need anything endangering our lives. we are the future generation after all.

Be strong, and if you feel that urge to smoke again, you know, just try to find another way to relax your mind and body.

Have fun quitting, and have a great day.
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Alana replied:

Friday, February 29, 2008 @ 3:30 pm GMT-8

Smoking isn’t great, so I’m glad your quitting! My Dad is a smoker and he said quitting is hard… so be strong, okay?

Sorry I haven’t commented you! I do visit your site often though [:
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Monique voiced:

Monday, March 3, 2008 @ 6:25 am GMT-8

I consider myself to be a social smoker. I smoke only when I am drinking, and I drink only when I am out in a club or something (which happens maybe 3-4 times a year).

Even with that, I often feel so bad/guilty after I smoke. I just need to give it up all together.

Good luck as you give up the habit
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FruityOaty said:

Monday, March 3, 2008 @ 1:50 pm GMT-8

Best revenge on someone who hurt you… is to live a damn fine AND healthy life. Quit smoking, stop thinking about the ex… and live a good life, the kind you deserve.
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Ashie said:

Monday, March 3, 2008 @ 7:01 pm GMT-8

You’re right, in the sense that we do need to make mistakes and experience certain things in order to grow as individuals and know where our morals and ethics sit.

At least you know why you started smoking in the first place and you know why you want to quit. I think that is a bigger growing experience than people who start smoking simply because someone tells them they should and then go on ten years later to quit because once again someone has told them they should. It defeats the purpose, they don’t learn anything they just listen to a random voice (whether from a friend, family, society etc) and do what it says. There is no growth or inner experience.

So yes,whilst quitting smoking is good, I think the more important thing is that you’re aware of your actions and what spurs them and it will help you grow more into adulthood.
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Karyn remarked:

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 @ 7:55 am GMT-8

Its really good that you’ve decided to quit for yourself because that is the only way that it will work. I know the thinking process is hard when you first choose to do something like this but it’ll be worth it.

I think that its a GREAT think that you’ve come up with all of this great insight in mature and adult fashion and are able to persue your goal of well whatever you put your mind too…
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Morbid Romantic responded:

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 @ 4:17 am GMT-8

Smoking is horrible. And I am saying this as someone who smokes. It’s good that you’re thinking about quitting; definitely good to get out of it earlier rather than later when the addiction is so bad that it’s even harder to give it up.
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Kris declared:

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 @ 10:53 am GMT-8

I started smoking when I was younger because I heard that it helped relieve stress. I’ve been smoking ever since and I really wish I could quit but it’s so much harder to actually do it when it comes down to quitting. I hope I can someday soon though and you as well!
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Gary R. Hess stated:

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 @ 1:23 pm GMT-8

‘It’s good you quit ;)’

Really though, it is. I’ve only tried to smoke once, and I felt like dying after.

A few years ago I would hang out with my brother and some friends, a few of the guys smoked. I just about died every time. I couldn’t stand it!

I’m a little claustrophobic as it is, so the smoke/smell really got to me. I felt as if I was being suffocated.

Anyways, point being that a lot of people don’t like it and it is respectful to others to not do it. Even if you aren’t smoking, your clothes still stink and what not, so it is still bothersome. There were probably some people close to you who didn’t smoke and were bothered, but just never said anything.

All in all, you’ll be much healthier and live longer.
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Toya typed:

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 @ 6:44 pm GMT-8

I have been smoking for some years now and I keep telling myself that I need to quit. I know I will one day but who knows when that is going to be. Congrats to you tho!
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Mari remarked:

Thursday, March 6, 2008 @ 1:58 pm GMT-8

I know the temptation. I let people smoke around me because I love the smell, and keep thinking about filching a deathstick off of my family. When you’re missing something from your life like that, it’s hard not to pick up awful habits like smoking…but, knowing that you only recently started and are already quitting just reassures me that it’s stupid to start in the first place.

Good luck quitting.
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Ashley expressed:

Saturday, March 8, 2008 @ 9:29 am GMT-8

So, do you enjoy anything about smoking? That’s pretty bad if you only started smoking because someone else doesn’t like it. It’s a pretty lame reason to start smoking in the first place. I’m glad you’re going to be trying to quit and hopefully you’ll be able to without much trouble. Good luck with that.
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Deanna answered:

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 @ 8:30 am GMT-8

How is the quitting coming along? I never heard of anyone picking up smoking to get back at someone. I don’t really see how that would work. But I’m glad you have decided to do something about it.
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Jaclyn answered:

Tuesday, March 25, 2008 @ 3:58 pm GMT-8

I’m glad you decided to quit! It’s hard but I think it’s very possible! I do have to respect for for acknowledging the people around you when you do smoke, not a lot fo people even care for others. Good luck!
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