Entrapment?

01.06.08

Posted under: Relationships, Site, Thoughts

When you meet people, you never spill out all your deep dark secrets. However, what if, you know that one of your secrets is one of their deal breakers?

Yes, what usually happens on dates is that one is trying to impress the other. It’s natural and quite normal to withhold strange information, but is there a line to what you should or shouldn’t hold back? I don’t know if I’m making this as clear as I can, but maybe I’ll use a common bad habit as an example.

What if you are a smoker and generally, unless you know that your date smokes too, you know that most won’t date a smoker, right? I’ve made quite a few friends that I didn’t know were smokers, even occasional ones, until weeks, even months, after we had met. So if you hold that information back, knowing that it could be a major turn-off, would it be an entrapment of some sort?

Thinking about this some more, I finally found a personal example to this question: back when Stockton Boy and I had first met, he didn’t know about my history of infidelity. It would have been a deal breaker for him since almost all of his past girlfriends had been unfaithful to him. But I held that information back. Partly because I wanted to start off with a clean slate; I knew that even as friends, others look down upon cheaters as if they’re vermin. I didn’t like that feeling and so, I kept it private. It was also in part that I didn’t want him to look down on me. I wanted everything to be fun and by the time the topic came up, we were both too into each other to turn back.

In a way, I felt as if it could have been a trap. Of course, there was no malicious intent, no evil plan (”Muahahaha. He shall be mine!”), no ill-wish of any sort. Still though, it could seem as if I wanted to hook him first before he could run away.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on this? Would you consider it a trick, a trap? Or just the way that the dating world works? If you had bad habits, would you tell your date or would just let him/her figure it out later and hope that s/he doesn’t run?

Also, in small site updates, I’m currently working on my freelance web design website before I make the layout for this site. I’ve also included a “Current Songs” category for me to post lyrics to songs that I feel express my emotions at the moment.

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Tags: bad habits, date, dating, entrapment, trap

26 Comments »

Julie stated:

Sunday, June 1, 2008 @ 5:56 pm GMT-8

Just because you made mistakes before, doesn’t mean you’ll be making them again. Sometimes you have to let the past go and lock up your secrets and start over. You can’t come up to ever potential boyfriend with a list of your faults and mistakes up front to see if they’re still willing to keep talking to you. That’s what I think at least.
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Cellobella expressed:

Sunday, June 1, 2008 @ 6:17 pm GMT-8

Have you analysed why you were unfaithful in the past? Have those circumstances changed?

If they have - fine - why mention it.

If they haven’t - why are you in a relationship?

Either way I wouldn’t go there on the first date.

And besides it’s likely he hasn’t put all his cards on the table anyway.

CB
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Robmarie stated:

Sunday, June 1, 2008 @ 8:16 pm GMT-8

Well, it doesn’t necessarily *have* to be a trap… you don’t want to spill your heart out on the first couple of dates, because that would be too strong, too soon. And pointless, even… if you have no common ground.

If I want to find out what the person’s views are on a situation (i.e. smoking) without getting personal, I try to bring up the subject in a casual matter (if I see a person lighting up a cig or something, I’ll probably make a remark about it or something). Then I pay attention to his/her reaction — judgmental? indifferent? Etc.

Not only will I get info on the particular subject, I’ll gain some ground on his way of thinking.
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Moonie shouted:

Monday, June 2, 2008 @ 5:35 am GMT-8

Well, he probably wouldn’t have given you a chance otherwise… but still, I am an extremley honest person who REALLY frowns upon liars and dishonesty (honor is everything to me) and I’m going to tell you something, finding out that information has been kept from me for an extended period of time in a relationship, makes me me lose a lot of trust in the person. My current boyfriend was hiding a (putting it lightly) bad habit from me and it really destroyed me inside, and I have to fight to trust him now.. it’s very difficult. It doesn’t seem like it bothers your boyfriend as much, so that’s good… and at least you were eventually honest with him… just maybe think about the other party next time a little bit more. Keeping things can sometimes make everything worse.. at least it did in my case.
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Gerald responded:

Monday, June 2, 2008 @ 5:05 pm GMT-8

Here’s what I think … All you have to do is be honest in a relationship. If whoever it is you dating really likes you or maybe loves you then s/he would stay with you even though you have a bad history. It’s when you’re dishonest things turn sour and that’s where the hurt and the pain comes in. If your date asks you if you smoke for example, tell the truth. If you do and your date runs after that then you two were just not meant to be, well … then your date really doesn’t like you in other words. That’s my two cents worth. Hope it made sense?
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Michael Aulia said:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 @ 2:37 am GMT-8

I guess it’s normal as you said, to “hide” our dark sides or bad habits to someone that we like, especially on the first few dates.

It’ll be good though after a few dates to let the person know about the habit (if it’s really that bad) before continuing on the relationship?

Or even better, try to fight the bad habit and become a new person
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Julia shouted:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 @ 8:03 am GMT-8

I don’t think its entrapment.. It’s not something people just blurt out about themselves, especially in a new relationship. If you’re trying to turn a new leaf and be faithful, then why mention it? Once you do, it’s going to be all he can think about.
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Tro shouted:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 @ 7:48 pm GMT-8

I don’t know if I’d think it a trick or a trap, I think of it like this. If they are really into you and think you guys could have a great time together, then those things won’t be deal breakers. They’ll be able to see past that and into who you really are now and not what your past is or what annoying habits you may have.
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Merlin typed:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 @ 9:02 pm GMT-8

You need to get to know each other a bit first, but I think you owe it to him to disclose that you do not intend any relationship that might develop to be an exclusive one. If he wants exclusivity and you don’t, there’s not much point in investing a lot of time and emotion with him.
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Destiny commented:

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 @ 8:08 am GMT-8

I never think it should be concerned as a “trap”. Traps are set to snare you. When you take it into example of relationships, it comes down to it’s just a secret or something in your past. People who cannot forgive your past isn’t really worth to continue with a future is it? Never letting go of your past enables you to a non-existent future. Thinking it as a trap is the wrong type of approach or even thinking in why to hold it back. But when you feel that it’s solidified, and that you feel like you should let him know, then do so… but let him know how you have changed. It should never be considered as a trap, but an ownership.
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Lee said:

Thursday, June 5, 2008 @ 12:19 pm GMT-8

I personally think it’s a trap, but I view socialization different than most people do. I don’t have it in me to be anything other than completely honest and always figure that if I can’t be completely honest then I just won’t say anything at all. I never see gray areas.

I think that in this case, you tell what you feel should be said. You don’t have to say everything, but just suggest it and see how it flies. There’s a way to tell the truth without telling it all. Most people never have to learn how to do this because most people naturally withhold information, but I think knowing how to tell the truth and shield it at the same time can benefit anyone.

Good luck figuring it out for yourself.
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Billy typed:

Friday, June 6, 2008 @ 7:43 am GMT-8

I think it’s ok to keep some things back, but nothing major.
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Angela said:

Friday, June 6, 2008 @ 10:54 pm GMT-8

I personally would not tell the date right away because why share certain things with someone you may not even see again?

If you really like the person and see each other quite a bit then it would be very important they know certain stuff and hopefully they still feel the same about you.
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Lucy announced:

Saturday, June 7, 2008 @ 4:45 pm GMT-8

Obviously no one admits to their bad habits or wrong doings on the first few dates with a person. You just want to get to know each other, and see if you click. I do think, however, if things are starting to go in a good direction, that you must be honest with each other. The truth will come out eventually, so it’s best to be honest.

I don’t consider it a trap, unless you intend to keep it from that person until they have no choice but to stay with you.
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Michael shouted:

Saturday, June 7, 2008 @ 6:20 pm GMT-8

Sometimes it’s better not knowing, because the truth can hurt or be damaging — especially in a intimate relationship.
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Camille stated:

Sunday, June 8, 2008 @ 9:33 pm GMT-8

I think that’s just the way relationships work.. even though strangely people tend to say you should get to know the person first like their likes and dislikes.. whether they smoke or drink and stuff like that.. but even still those things are held back.. stuff like this is held back all the way down to someone’s REAL AGE… I was talking to a boy who is a year younger than me.. it’s not really a big deal but to me it is for the simple fact he lied and told me he was 18 just to get in my pants.. ha ha; the one time where I loved my Mary so much.. ’cause I fell in temporary love[or lust/infatuation] with this little dweeb.
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Domestic Diva shouted:

Monday, June 9, 2008 @ 7:47 am GMT-8

I think everyone lies and fudges the truth in the beginning. I have found this to be true in both dating and friendships. After about three months the true colors of a person always comes out. You find out whether or not that person is good or bad and if you are compatible at the 3 month mark. It is very odd but from my experience in dating and friendships this has always showed true.
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Sara remarked:

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 @ 8:14 pm GMT-8

At first, it’s not always a good idea to throw everything out on the table. Letting things go gradually seemed to work for me in the three years I’ve come to know my current girlfriend. Hiding everything, it just doesn’t work. Things tend to fall apart. Trust is a big thing with me. Also, if the person can’t look past your past mistakes, then that person does not deserve you.
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Candy shouted:

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 @ 8:35 pm GMT-8

I think everyone is entitled to privacy, so why should you have to let someone know you’re a smoker or about past relationships for that matter. Of course, it should be revealed sometime… c’mon honesty is good in relationships. But I feel it has to be that “type” on conversation… but up front, no. Privacy is the best policy, I think giving the person a chance is a lot better than missing out on someone in which things could be overlooked later in the relationship because they’re truly a good person.
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Anna voiced:

Wednesday, June 11, 2008 @ 10:20 am GMT-8

I think its a really interesting topic. And while I’ve held back on information with people, I don’t know if I would want people to do it to me. On many occassions, I’ve lied that I don’t have an issue with things. But I’m sitting there and squirming in my seat because of what I said. With most people, I can’t be completely honest. Which in turn gets me into alot of trouble.

I feel that it’s something you don’t want people to necessarily know about you. Now, if that changed the way they feel, then its not a good thing. But you’re obviously keeping it to yourself because it’s not something that you’re proud of. But, if the person likes you for who you are in the moment, then I think they might be okay with whatever you have to tell them. Then again, there are those that just freak out and make it seem like the worst thing ever.
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Kim voiced:

Thursday, June 12, 2008 @ 12:42 am GMT-8

I don’t think it’s a trap, per se. I think omitting certain personal information when you first start seeing someone is understandable. If they straight-up ask about whatever and you lie, it’s not okay. Just my opinion.
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Fatima commented:

Thursday, June 12, 2008 @ 5:52 pm GMT-8

I don’t think it’s really a “trap” but honesty has always been an issue with me… I need to be able to trust the person I’m with completely. It does seem like dating involves a lot of “games” - you’re always on your best behavior..but I don’t believe in any of that. I’m in a fairly new relationship right now and we’ve been honest to each other right from the beginning. I told my boyfriend that a friend of mine told me that I shouldn’t tell him about my bad habits and such and I should wait until we’ve known each other for much longer but I didn’t want to do that. Trust is a really big thing with us because we know how it feels to be cheated on and would never want that to happen again. But then again, you don’t just blurt out these things… You shouldn’t wait too long to tell them though. I guess it really depends on the person..there are people who’d rather not know about past relationships and stuff. In that case, as long as you’re not going to do it again, I don’t see why you *need* to tell the person - unless he asks directly.
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Mari shouted:

Monday, June 16, 2008 @ 7:32 pm GMT-8

It seems like a normal thing for people to not talk about their bad habits or dark secrets when dating, or doing anything really. I mean, you don’t just prance up to someone like your boss or your in-laws and say “Oh, by the way, I snatch pennies out of people’s cars when I valet park them” or “I just happen to be a chronic liar.” Those are things that come out of the woodwork as time goes on. It’s not entirely bad, because you can learn to really like people despite their glaring flaws, in fact, it’s basically required that you get over people’s flaws, else, no one would like their family. XD

Most people do hide their flaws, and it’s perfectly normal. Because really, if we all went around blabbing about how we picked our noses up until preschool or like to scratch our bums when no one is looking, then we’d all never have the chance to forget our bad habits/dark secrets and improve, right?
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Cole remarked:

Thursday, June 19, 2008 @ 5:27 am GMT-8

I don’t know. I think there’s a difference between being deceptive and withholding information. The big issue here, with infidelity, is that it may not make a difference and, honestly, those who would consider something a “deal breaker” without seeing something from every angle probably aren’t worth it.
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Maria voiced:

Thursday, June 19, 2008 @ 10:07 pm GMT-8

@Cellobella

Those are valid questions to ask. I mean, if one is holding back information, especially something like that, and knowing full well that they can commit the crime again, then it would be fair to bring it up.

However, in my case, I had no intention of cheating again (and I didn’t), so I didn’t want people to know about that part of my history.
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Maria responded:

Thursday, June 19, 2008 @ 10:24 pm GMT-8

@Moonie

Well, with something like that, do you really want to tell a person? Especially if you have no intent of doing it again? A bad habit, I can understand, but at least for me, it was a mistake that I didn’t want to repeat.

I hope that you’ve been able to trust your boyfriend. I don’t know the details, but I can only hope that you two can figure something out.
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