Excusing Anger (28)

02.07.08

Posted under: Thoughts

Yelling

Why is it that some use anger as an excuse for irrational or rude behavior? “He didn’t mean to say that; he was angry.” Does it really all stem from the anger? Or is it more of a choice that people make when they choose not to censor themselves?

There’s this idea that when someone is angry, that person will act rashly and harshly. Because of that, many tend to stay away from the angry person. It’s usually from the fear of either witnessing or being a victim of the anger.

Anger is one of the seven deadly sins and I truly believe that. Anger leads people to be irrational, to do things that if they were calm, they wouldn’t do nor say. But really, can you use anger as an excuse? It would be the same as blaming the alcohol for the abusive behavior or the drugs for the reckless behavior.

As a child, and even now unfortunately, my mother would say really mean things to me. (Please, no bashing on my mother) She would call me names or at one point, say that she wish I were dead. (She stopped after I expressed how it made me feel.) As I was nearing the end of high school, she would say that she couldn’t wait until I was out of the house. And just this past weekend, she told me that I shouldn’t come back home in two weeks.

All these things were said out of anger and frustration, but to me, they don’t give her any right to say the things she said. Hell, anger doesn’t give anyone any right to act rudely or harshly. Yes, I have been prone to be a bit nasty when angry, but I know that it is my choice to act that way. I could easily find another outlet to release the anger, but I don’t and that is my fault, not the anger’s fault.

To me, every action is always a choice. Even a lack of action is a choice because you allow for that to happen. There really is no such thing as “I couldn’t help myself!” or “I couldn’t control myself!” Even when impaired through alcohol or drugs, the person makes the choice to put him/herself in that position. If a person knows that s/he becomes violent while drinking, then why continue to drink? Or why drink in front of other people that s/he can abuse?

Even for anger, every reaction is a decision. When you snap at someone, it’s still a choice you’re making. As I mentioned before, I’m prone to be really bad tempered. I have said nasty things; I’ve reacted harshly; I’ve punched (inanimate objects); I’ve yelled; I’ve screamed and cried. Just a few days ago, I snapped at a woman. In some aspects, she deserved it, but still, I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m not sorry about snapping at her, mind you, but I am regretful of my behavior.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you been prone to act rashly when angered or have you been a victim of anger? How have you dealt with that?

(Edit: I just noticed that Reggy from fragileheart.com recently wrote something similar and hit a few points too.)

Image Source: Mareen Fischinger at Flickr.

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Tags: actions, anger, angry, choices, deadly sin, decisions, mother, sin

28 Comments »

Sandra answered:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 1:37 am GMT-8

I don’t think anger is an excuse to behave badly.

Ps. Thanks for the entrecard credits
Michael Aulia declared:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 2:26 am GMT-8

Like Sandra said, you can’t use anger as an excuse! I guess it’s true that you are not “yourself” when you are being angry or drunk, it scares me.

Sometimes we need to get angry (for good reasons), just don’t let our anger overcomes us and that’s when the “crap” starts coming out from your mouth
Marie voiced:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 4:11 am GMT-8

It certainly isn’t nice being around someone who is angry. And angry and violence is a definite no-no.

However, there are times (for example at work) when you are trying to work with everyone and be as diplomatic as possible. And when people just contantly put shit on you, it is very difficult not to be angry at the next person that comes along and who pisses you off. It’s this built up of anger and frustration that can come across as harsh, but there’s probably a good reason for it.

I guess it’s important for each of us to find an outlet before that anger builds up and erupts. Further to this, it’s also important to know when you are getting really frustrated or annoyed which ultimately can lead to being angry at someone or something. Rather than being angry, we might want to also train ourselves to speak quietly, clearly and firmly to get our point across, rather than being angry. It’s certainly something I’m trying to work on too!
Mari responded:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 10:09 am GMT-8

Anger only leads to more anger, and eventually hate. I wish there were no such emotion.

My mother treats me somewhat similarly to how your mother treats you when she’s angry or frustrated. She’s said things to me over the years that have left my relationship with her completely unable to be repaired. I can’t forgive my mother so easily. I wish I could be as mature as you about the things my mother says.

People need to learn when anger is appropriate to display, when it’s not appropriate, and how to deal with it in ways that don’t involve screaming matches. When people let their lips start flapping when they’re emotional, really horrible insults and dark secrets fly out, even if they know they shouldn’t let these things be said.

And they can’t say they didn’t make a conscious effort to say things when they were angered. When people fight, they’re just trying to “win”, and they’ll try to think up the more insulting thing to say. It really is a conscious decision, albeit a split-second one, and everyone is responsible for keeping their own lips shut.

When I get angry, I sit there and take it for forever until I I’m ready to snap. I try my best to cool my head before I get back in a situation that has made me really angry, and 80% of the time it works. I’ll take walks, listen to music, do anything to calm down and keep from snapping at people. I’ve been around people that let anger rule their behavior almost all of the time, and I know it’s no fun.
Gary R. Hess stated:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 11:32 am GMT-8

It shouldn’t be an excuse, but it is for some people. There are many who suffer bipolar disease who don’t realize it and their extreme emotions cause them to do things a ‘normal’ person wouldn’t do. Of course, this excuse is often used by perfectly normal persons…. which is unacceptable.
Michael replied:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 1:24 pm GMT-8

I agree with you that it’s a choice; however, some people can’t think at all when they get fired up.
Jessica announced:

Thursday, July 3, 2008 @ 1:41 pm GMT-8

While using anger as an excuse for doing something is wrong, there are millions of people who do so. That’s not to say it’s right…it’s that some of these people may be undiagnosed with a mental disorder.
Wenny answered:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 1:44 am GMT-8

I think it depends.
Sometimes, we say things we don’t mean out of blind impulse via the anger channel. So I guess its just 2 sides of a coin.

Definitely depends on the situation.
mikey777 replied:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 2:17 am GMT-8

I really don’t think violence is the answer to anything, whether anger is involved or not.

You’re absolutely right in saying that you have choices to make when you’re angry. Being angry doesn’t excuse anything. I think that people who act out of anger have a lack of self-control, and that’s truly the issue.

I’ve found that most times when people take their anger out on others, it really isn’t that person they’re angry at, but another person or situation.
Maria commented:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 12:16 pm GMT-8

@Marie
Yes, that training would be a good skill to learn, especially for those who allow the anger to build up like that.
Maria said:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 1:01 pm GMT-8

@Mari
With my mother, I didn’t take her angry outbursts seriously because when she wasn’t angry, she was loving and nice. So when she would get angry, I would tell myself that she didn’t mean it and deep down, she loved me anyway.
Maria answered:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 1:02 pm GMT-8

@Gary
Yes, using a disorder to excuse behavior, especially using it frequently, is unacceptable. I can understand that those who are bipolar can do that, but that’s what getting help is for, no?
Maria announced:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 1:04 pm GMT-8

@Mikey
Yes, that’s true. Those who act out in anger usually hit the wrong people. Self-control is definitely something that many need to learn.
Julie declared:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 3:18 pm GMT-8

Unfortunately, most people are really mean when they are angry and don’t think about what they are saying. They want to win the fight and so don’t think about the long term effects of their words.
BillyWarhol expressed:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 4:40 pm GMT-8

I’m kinda Drunk n Horny*

No Excuses***********

;PPP
Cromely announced:

Friday, July 4, 2008 @ 10:19 pm GMT-8

My most awesome and most terrifying aspect of being human is that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes.

Anger may often be an explanation for inappropriate behavior, but it never excuses it.
Mara typed:

Saturday, July 5, 2008 @ 4:26 pm GMT-8

That’s a sad excuse for one’s actions. I think people use the term “I was angry” for a good reason, to let loose sometimes. I think the harsh words people express during times of anger, is something they’ve BEEN had on their mind for sometime, and just couldn’t express it, until the time arose when something or someone pissed them off lol. Shameful, but true.
Ramon replied:

Monday, July 7, 2008 @ 2:32 am GMT-8

When I find myself angry at the thing that my child had done, I let it pass for a while. For I know that once I react angrily, I might say or do something I would regret later on. Then I would talk to him/her calmly explaining the things that made me mad and I would get his/her explanation. This way the problem is resolved better. We must learn to control our anger.
Karen Zemek wrote:

Monday, July 7, 2008 @ 7:33 am GMT-8

Always better to control our anger. Anything we say when we are angry is never good! Check out my post on what I do when my husband gets on my nerves. It’s good to let it out, but I find it works best doing it in private–while driving alone in a car or in your house when you’re home alone.
Angelica remarked:

Monday, July 7, 2008 @ 2:14 pm GMT-8

I agree with you on this. Just because you’re angry behaving badly shouldn’t be excused. I can be very mean when I’m angry but just towards people I know will forgive me no matter what (my family) or people I don’t care about (strangers). I’m more careful when it comes to friends and I never say things I’ll regret later to them.
Maria shouted:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 @ 1:20 am GMT-8

@Billy
I’m not exactly sure how to interpret that comment… is it really because you’re drunk or is it a response as an example?
Maria commented:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 @ 1:21 am GMT-8

@Mara
Yes, I’m always afraid of that; holding in grudges or annoyances until it gets too far. Right now, I’m trying to deal with an aggravating roommate, but I can’t seem to find the way to express myself right and I’m afraid that if I wait too long, I’ll blow up at some point.
Maria declared:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 @ 1:29 am GMT-8

@Ramon
That’s a very good way to go about it, especially when it comes to children. Sometimes, I wish my father had taken the same steps, but it’s okay. It’s all in the past now.
Maria declared:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 @ 1:31 am GMT-8

@Karen
I agree; usually when I let out my anger, I’m alone and I know that no one can see me in my vulnerable state.
Maria commented:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 @ 1:33 am GMT-8

@Angelica
I suppose that knowing who you can be angry to helps, but at the same time, it can hurt, can’t it? I understand that these are people who will always be by you, but either way, it’s not the best thing to experience. It’s like what happened with my mother. Sure, she knew that I was always going to love her, but it didn’t make it any better.
fragileheart said:

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 @ 1:40 pm GMT-8

Hey Maria! Obviously I agree with you as (like you pointed out) I just wrote something on the topic. Being someone who used to excuse my anger all the time I know that for the most part, people just don’t understand what’s going on with their emotions when anger strikes – but it’s our responsibility to understand and control! Great post
Gerald voiced:

Wednesday, July 9, 2008 @ 7:03 pm GMT-8

Heya. I think that anger, like all of our emotions, is something we need to learn to control. Maybe those who are prone to anger do not have self control??? Or maybe it is a case of they have not learnt how to deal with the things that are causing them to become angry? Either way, it all ends up with someone getting hurt.

I do not anger easily but when I do I generally leave whatever it is that is causing me to be angry then I calm myself down until I am not angry anymore. Maybe I do not anger easily because I do not take everything so seriously or maybe it is because I am very, very patient … whatever it is I still think it all boils down to controlling your emotions.
kimba answered:

Thursday, July 10, 2008 @ 2:21 am GMT-8

“every reaction is a decision. When you snap at someone, it’s still a choice you’re making.” I totally agree with you … this was a great post.