I was talking to my friend last night and I had told her that I wasn’t going to start a romantic relationship with anyone until I could be ready to love again. I said that it would be unfair to the other person if I was incapable of putting all of myself into the relationship if I was still badly hurt or broken.
So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.
From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.
And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.
Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)
Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?
What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?
There are times when I feel like hating him so much because I feel as if I am a great person (for the most part anyway- and no, this doesn’t stem from conceit). Sure, I have my moments of not dealing with some things right, but overall, if you need a girlfriend, I am a great one. I helped heal what was broken, I spent all my energy and time hoping that I could be the one he could love, but he didn’t. I fixed him so he could go love someone else and that frustrates me; it angers me to feel so used. Yes, that wasn’t his intention, I know, but it’s that feeling of being used that bugs me and sometimes, I just wish that he would have stopped. He shouldn’t have allowed for us to build the relationship we had if he was incapable of loving me, of giving his all to me.
But maybe, he wanted to love me too, but couldn’t. Thinking about it a little more, who’s to say that I won’t do the same? What if I meet some wonderful guy and even though I’m not ready and even though I tell him that, what if he still wants me anyway? And because he’s such a wonderful guy, what if I hope that one day, I could love him, that he could fix me? But I’d be doing exactly what Stockton Boy did, no?