Loss of Identity

20.01.08

Posted under: Changes, Life, Relationships, Thoughts

Lately, I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s a scary feeling. Sure, I’ve always known that I’m quite the indecisive person, but I thought I had my morals and values in check. Unfortunately, as of late, I haven’t been.

I honestly don’t know what kind of person I want to be. Sure, I want to be the nice one who helps out as much as she can, but what I do now is completely lost to me. Within the last few months, I have done things that I had always, always refused to do and the next thing you know, I have done them.

There is a theory, but I could be wrong with this one. The person I used to be has gone into hiding because she was horribly hurt in the breakup that shook up my entire life. Because of this, the impulsive girl, the “bad” girl, has come out and is taking over. The things that I am doing/have done have been things that I have always desired to do, but knew better than that (with the exception of one activity). I always knew that those things that a part of me wanted were not good things for me to be doing. I knew that I should not be doing any of those things. I knew that those things did not make me who I was and that I could live without doing any of those things.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can honestly tell you that I have no idea where I’m going and who I’m going to be. What I thought were core values are no longer there or have been shaken up at least.

Again, sorry for the depressing note of this post. If you have nothing too particular to say, then feel free to answer this question:
If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?
(They have to be things that you can actually do; so flying like Superman is not an option, but traveling around the world is. It doesn’t matter if you will never do it, but if you could, what would you do?)

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Tags: bad girl, decisions, good girl, identity

31 Comments »

AtomiK Kitten declared:

Sunday, January 20, 2008 @ 7:46 pm GMT-8

Honesty is depressing? I’d like to know when that happens…oh wait it is depressing for those that like to hide behind their rose colored glasses.

If I could do one thing in the world what would I do? I have several…some serious and some not so serious. I think I’ll go blog about that. Oh and as for the smilies and stuff - if you use firefox, there is a plug in called Smiley Xtra4.
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Brigitte announced:

Sunday, January 20, 2008 @ 11:32 pm GMT-8

Is it just me or was that comment kinda bitchy? Anyways…

I actually love introspective blog entries and prefer them to “happy” entries, but that’s just me.

Hmm… Your question is a hard one. If there’s something I’d like to do I would do it. I don’t think anything I want to do in life is wrong… If it were I probably wouldn’t want to do it. So… In light of that small revelation, I don’t know.

I guess… Be adventurous. Climb a mountain, bungee jumping, fly a plane. Things like that, I guess.

Also, unless you are seriously hurting someone don’t feel so limited in life. We only live once, so live it the way that best makes you happy.
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Julie commented:

Monday, January 21, 2008 @ 4:30 pm GMT-8

*HUGS* I’m sure the good you will come out when she’s ready, but in the meantime, try to control the bad you. I mean, you really don’t want to have so many regrets later, right?
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AtomiK Kitten answered:

Monday, January 21, 2008 @ 5:56 pm GMT-8

Me? The B word? Surely you jest. Maria knows me a bit better than that.
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Jessica responded:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 11:53 am GMT-8

Maybe the ‘Maria’ that’s coming out to the forefront is necessary right now, so that you can deal with the things that you need to deal with. As for regretting the things you do, it’s the ‘Maria’ that you’re usually.
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AtomiK Kitten wrote:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 12:10 pm GMT-8

The star fish analogy: once there was a little boy and his father and they were walking down the beach. The beach was laden with star fish because the tide had rolled in the night before. The little boy was picking them up one at a time and tossing them back into the ocean. “Why are y0u doing that?” asked his father. “You can’t save them all.” The little boy replied, “I know dad. But I can save this one. I can save this one. I can save this one,” he said as he flung them one by one back into the ocean.
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Maria replied:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 6:44 pm GMT-8

Robin,

(I prefer responding to Robin vs. AK.)

Well, I suppose honesty isn’t supposed to be depressing, but you’re right. Some people would rather live behind the rose-colored glasses. That and because I get a lot of new visitors here and I would like for them to come back and not freak out about the depressing note of it all.

That sounds like a fun plugin, except I don’t use the smilies all too often.
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Maria declared:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 6:48 pm GMT-8

Brigitte,

She wasn’t being bitchy; she was being sarcastic, so it’s okay by me.

I like introspection too; it feels as if I have more to contribute to the post than just a “good to hear you scored an A on that test.”

Happy I will try to be, but it’s figuring out what makes me happy that’s the problem at the moment.
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Maria wrote:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 7:02 pm GMT-8

Julie,

No, I don’t want all the regrets. We’ll see what happens.
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Maria announced:

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 @ 7:04 pm GMT-8

Jessica,

Except, some of those things I really don’t normally do. But it’s a process that I’ll have to go through slowly.
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Margaret wrote:

Thursday, January 24, 2008 @ 6:21 am GMT-8

Sometimes we have to explore the bad or dark side of ourselves in order to understand ourselves. I don’t know that we have to act it out exactly, but then again, I personally have such built-in inhibitions that I feel really awful when I let my bad side loose.

I have to think long and hard about unhappy things.

Just don’t do anything illegal — we don’t want you locked up where you can’t blog anymore

ÃªÂ¿Ãª
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Thao said:

Thursday, January 24, 2008 @ 7:29 am GMT-8

We all go through that process of defining the self and I believe that it is natural to evaluate and not know where or who you want to be. If you knew exactly what you wanted at this moment, what about the next… etc, etc.

I had to figure out who I was at one point and while it wasn’t fun overthinking everything, it usually turns out OK and I have no doubt now about who I am and what I want out of life!

You’ll figure it out, don’t rush it!
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Thao expressed:

Thursday, January 24, 2008 @ 7:31 am GMT-8

P.S. How else will you know if doing things out of your character really is out of your character unless you do it?
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Mikster wrote:

Thursday, January 24, 2008 @ 4:23 pm GMT-8

Hopefully your core values have simply been temporarily misplaced. Here’s hoping you get back on track quickly.
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Morgan said:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 1:05 am GMT-8

I don’t know what to say; I’m debating whether to tell you that you only live once, or to tell you that this is all part of defining yourself. Or maybe I just don’t know.

I think you should just let go, let things sort themselves out.
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Maria announced:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:26 pm GMT-8

Margaret,

Well, even if I did do something of that scale… I’d be a little bit smart about it.

But it’s going to take a lot of thinking and well… I just feel a bit overwhelmed right now.
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Maria commented:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:28 pm GMT-8

Thao,

Trust me, I’m in no particular hurry to figure out this mess; I’m intimidated, really.
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Maria typed:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:33 pm GMT-8

Thao,

That does sound like a good idea. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it, right?
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Maria stated:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:34 pm GMT-8

Mikster,

See, that’s the thing. What I thought were core are not. Sure, some stayed, but the others… I don’t know. I’m not sure they’ll come back, but I hope I get back on track quickly too.
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Maria said:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 12:35 pm GMT-8

Morgan,

I could just let things take care of themselves, but I’m the person who likes to be in charge for a lot of the time, so I think I’m going to have to sort this one out myself for awhile.
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Sara stated:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 1:13 pm GMT-8

I think everyone goes through that. You grow up and get older and you change. You will figure things out
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Pmonchet declared:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 4:51 pm GMT-8

My favorite expression, if you can call it, “I shall pass this way but once, any good that I can say and do to any human being, let me do it now, for I shall never pass this way again.” Given the chance to do what I want -Help other people in the best way I can. Goodluck!
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Nicole voiced:

Friday, January 25, 2008 @ 6:15 pm GMT-8

Sometimes shit happens and we react with being what you call “your other self”.
A Payback for the world or some people in general?
It will pass and things will get in balance again.
You already start thinking of your “old self”.
Being an angel doesn’t satisfy most people, a pure devil neither. Shoot for something in the middle
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Nicole expressed:

Saturday, January 26, 2008 @ 7:23 pm GMT-8

I’ve tagged you with a somewhat different tag
Fun tag
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Maria commented:

Sunday, January 27, 2008 @ 9:03 pm GMT-8

Sara,

It is a growing process and perhaps I’ll be able to figure things out soon.
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Maria wrote:

Sunday, January 27, 2008 @ 9:06 pm GMT-8

Pmonchet,

That’s an interesting phrase to keep in mind. Thanks for that!
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Maria declared:

Sunday, January 27, 2008 @ 9:08 pm GMT-8

Nicole,

I think being in the middle makes us human then, no? I think shooting to be human sounds like a pretty good idea.
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Roz said:

Monday, January 28, 2008 @ 1:15 am GMT-8

I think it happens to the best of us…I mean, we all grow up and violate those “core values” we thought defined us. Hell, it happened to me too. The best part about it though, is that through all of this confusion, you are on your way to finding yourself (as corny as it sounds) and establishing yourself as an individual. So many people don’t know what they want to do with their lives…it’s okay not to know. But I think you should be actively seeking what you think you may want to do (such as trying out this or interning for that to see if you like it, although I’m not saying you don’t already — I wouldn’t quite know).

But it’s honestly just so normal to feel like the way you feel now…if that makes you feel better
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Maria shouted:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 12:51 pm GMT-8

Roz,

I’m trying to find what I could do by looking for a job right now, but it’s a little tough.

Hey, at least I’m normal!
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Mari typed:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 9:38 pm GMT-8

I think, if you weren’t a little confused as to who you are, you wouldn’t be growing as a person.

However, when you feel that you’ve been hurt and are acting as such, that isn’t exactly good.

My theory is that who we truly are is just about halfway between who we are as kids and who we are as adults, when we realize how cruel the world can be.
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Maria shouted:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 11:13 pm GMT-8

Mari,

It could be that mix between the two worlds and maybe it’s not as well? I don’t know yet. I’m just trying to figure things out one by one.
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