Mother and Me

28.01.08

Posted under: Blog365, Family

As I was leaving my doctor’s session today, he brought up a very interesting point. He mentioned that what I was doing, it was similar to what my mother does.

See, I’ve always kind of looked down upon my mother’s actions to exploit and to get as much as she can. She always signs up for those Christmas toy drives in order to get the free clothes and return them at the stores for credit/money. She somehow got me a full year bus pass without having to pay a penny. She always signed my siblings and I up for the free lunches at school when we could afford it, and she knew it. When I got caught shoplifting, she just wanted to sweep it under the rug since I know she does it too.

What brought this comparison up is that right now, I’m not registered at UC Berkeley, so I’m losing out on a few benefits such as the gym and well, the wonderful bus pass that would have given me free rides until the end of August. My initial plan was to buy the bus pass from someone else for about the same price that they would pay for it through the registration fees, which is about $60. When I pitched that plan to a friend of mine, he told me that when he had lost his ID last semester, he ended up copying someone else’s pass and taped it onto his.

Now, to me, that sounds like a brilliant idea, right? I’m saving myself $60 and to me at least, I don’t feel as if I’m taking from someone else’s benefit. It kind of ties into the idea of Pareto efficiency where in order to make one person better off, another is worse off. To me, I don’t see that I’m making someone else worse off. In my eyes, I see that my mother is making someone else worse off. When she gets money from the government, it’s money that could have been used for someone else. When she goes to those Christmas toy donations, there’s another family more deserving than ours. When we get our free lunches, someone else has to pay for that.

I know that you eventually learn and pick up a few things from your parents, but I thought this was the one thing that I could run away from. Or am I just making excuses for all my actions so I don’t feel bad about it? So I can mask the fact that maybe I am becoming a bit like my mother? That I am picking up on the things that I once looked down upon?

Edit: I will not allow you to call my mother names, so refrain from doing so unless you really want to set me off. Yes, what she does isn’t the greatest thing, but that doesn’t give you the right to talk about my mother like so.

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34 Comments »

Thao answered:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 8:51 am GMT-8

I found myself in the same position sometimes, not only within the family, but even outside through friends, etc. I would look down on actions that people took because I thought they were wrong and I was more righteous. The root of my views came from me being afraid that I was the same way–sometimes. Other times, it was for other reasons.

I used to be influenced to do the same “wrong” things my mother did, unknowingly. Kinda weird that it seems you do too. Maybe daughters are much more connected to their mothers than people realize ?
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Leon replied:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 9:30 am GMT-8

I’m glad you’re not following in your mother’s footsteps. A lot of people more deserving could’ve benefited from the charities she exploits.
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Maria commented:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 12:52 pm GMT-8

Thao,

I don’t know if there’s a stronger connection between a daughter and her mother than a daughter and her father, but I’m just afraid that I might pick up the wrong things from her, you know? When I was a kid, I thought that shoplifting little things wasn’t so bad and seeing my mother do it too didn’t help me distinguish between right and wrong.

Anyway, I think it’s just going to take some time to figure out what is “right” and what is “wrong” now since I have two contrasting models in my life.
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Maria declared:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 12:56 pm GMT-8

Leon,

That’s exactly how I feel! Except, I see myself trying to “make the most” of my money too by this whole bus pass thing and by my nature in general. I just don’t know if I would ever get to the point where I would be taking from someone else’s welfare, you know? And I’m also afraid that if I do get to that point, I’ll continue to make excuses.

But perhaps awareness of this is the first step?
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Rawllie typed:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 2:33 pm GMT-8

I would say, yes you are making some excuses there. I hope you don’t become like your mother because her actions disgust me to no end. People that do those things are the reason why deserving families get less and less. When people steal, prices rise. When people lie about things like government assistance, then it becomes harder and harder for those in need to receive. Your mother needs a serious kick in the ass.
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Flower stated:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 3:41 pm GMT-8

Weeeeellllll, I don’t think you’ll like this, but… you say you’re not taking from anyone, but where does the $60 that you should pay actually go to? Are you sure you’re not taking from anyone? Now don’t get me wrong, I have no judgment either way about the plan, I’m just not sure it IS so different from what your mother does.
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Julie commented:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 5:39 pm GMT-8

I say screw the regents, they take enough of our m0neys anyway. Really though, I agree with you that what your Mother does is not right and is taking away from those that need it. But what you’re doing isn’t wrong, since you would be using the bus pass all the same if you were a student, there really isn’t much of a change. I think that’s outsmarting the system and not being a paying for everything chump.
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Maria voiced:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 9:50 pm GMT-8

Rawllie,

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. I can’t say ‘Yes’ because she’s my mother and I can’t say ‘No’ because I know it’s wrong.

But you’re right, she is taking from those more deserving and I can’t see myself doing that, at least not now.
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Maria shouted:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 9:54 pm GMT-8

Flower,

See, the way I reason it is this: without the pass, I wouldn’t use the bus anyway. I would use it very few times, when I would need to go home and to reach the BART station, I’d take the bus for my luggage.

In a way, I see that I am taking away from the bus agency since for those few times I can’t avoid the bus, but overall, I don’t see it as much.

Maybe it’s the idea that I’m just one person and that one person like me can’t make that much of a difference. Then again, if there are many others who think like I do, then it’s no longer just one person, right?

And ultimately, that’s what I’m afraid of. What if I get to the point that my mother has reached? It’s a scary thought.
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Maria said:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 @ 9:55 pm GMT-8

Julie,

I don’t think I can screw the Regents in this one; I really don’t see how they lose out. And yes, I don’t want to be a pay-for-everything chump.
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Margaret shouted:

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 @ 2:21 am GMT-8

Most people learn by example. Your mother has obviously set you one that is more gray than black or white and unless you make the concious decision to not follow that example, you will because that’s what you lived with and what became habit.

ÃªÂ¿Ãª
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Michael shouted:

Thursday, January 31, 2008 @ 6:11 pm GMT-8

Knowing/admitting what you are doing is just one step closer to “getting away” from your mother. As children, it’s natural to pick up things from our parents; however, admitting that those things are wrong is difficult.

I’d say you are dealing with it quite well.
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Sara replied:

Thursday, January 31, 2008 @ 10:37 pm GMT-8

We all pick up certain things from our parents some good and some bad. I don’t think you can really prevent that.
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Mari answered:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 8:13 pm GMT-8

What your mother does isn’t exactly black or white. Since I don’t know your family’s financial situation, I can’t pass judgment.

However, it does sound bad. Returning toys and clothes from charity to stores for money? That sounds like stealing to me. Then again, I don’t know the exact situation, so I can’t really say.

However, you’re a student. Students are generally without any significant income, so you shouldn’t feel too guilty about trying to keep some of your own money. You’ll need it more than some people.

We all pick up on bad habits from our parents. It’s inevitable. However, we can fix them. We just have to go through a process to identify them, stop denying that we have the bad habits, and then correct those bad habits in order to not pass those on to any eventual children of ours.
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Maria said:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 11:13 pm GMT-8

Margaret,

I’m afraid that it’s already a habit and being the poor student I am, it’s hard right now to try and break.
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Maria responded:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 11:17 pm GMT-8

Michael,

Thank you for the vote of confidence. I hope that by admitting it, I can really start to try and get away from the teaching that I picked up.
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Maria remarked:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 11:19 pm GMT-8

Sara,

No you can’t prevent it, but once you’ve realized what you’ve picked up isn’t the right thing to pick up, where do you go from there when everything is gray?
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Maria stated:

Friday, February 1, 2008 @ 11:23 pm GMT-8

Mari,

Well, financially, we can do without the returning of gifts and whatnot. You’re right though; it’s not as black and white as it is for other people and now I just have to really try to break free from that. Then again, you bring up the fact that I’m a student and well, I’m a little poor.
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Vanessa declared:

Saturday, February 2, 2008 @ 8:09 am GMT-8

Ah your mother picked it up from her mother and it goes on and on and on. It’s time to stop scamming people and agencies. Doesn’t she have some decency to at least feel a little bit of guilty every time she’s not paying for something? Or every time she’s taking clothes that some poor homeless kid out there could have worn? Do not be like her. Do not be a cheapass.
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fragileheart answered:

Saturday, February 2, 2008 @ 1:11 pm GMT-8

Ok, I’m not going to call your mother names… but I do want to ask. Aren’t you worried about her getting caught by you posting about how she carries on online? I mean I know she’s not exactly committing murder or anything, but I wouldn’t be so quick to post something like that on my site. I understand you don’t want to feel like you have something to hide, but I don’t know… just wondering I guess…
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Deanna commented:

Saturday, February 2, 2008 @ 5:25 pm GMT-8

It’s funny how so many people don’t want to be like their parents. I always said I would never whistle or sing because she ALWAYS does it and it’s annoying. But when no one is around I sing too. But yeah, the morals of your parents are going to be passed on to you if you are living with them. You feel that stealing isn’t so bad because she does it too and doesn’t get caught. It’s normal for you but other people who weren’t brought up like that are going to disagree.
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Shelly shouted:

Sunday, February 3, 2008 @ 11:58 am GMT-8

From the looks of it, what you’re doing seems pretty normal and doesn’t exactly seem all that bad. I mean, if I were you, I’d just make a copy and tape it to my ID card as well. =/ I mean, it may have some roots with your mother’s actions, but your actions are at a lower level? You know that what your mom does is not good, and you don’t seem to approve of it yourself. So I guess even if you think that you’ve picked it up from your mom, it’s only hints and traces of it. And that’s always inevitable between child and parent, right? And hey, as a student…we’re all forced to be a little thrifty every now and then.
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AtomiK Kitten shouted:

Sunday, February 3, 2008 @ 8:18 pm GMT-8

Sounds like my mom…sure we aren’t related somehow?

March of the Penguins…Monkey Butt asked Santa for it one year and got it…he’s NEVER sat through the entire thing. I don’t blame him. Personally, the gay tap dancing penguins are far more entertaining.
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Maria answered:

Monday, February 4, 2008 @ 7:41 pm GMT-8

Vanessa,

As nice as it is to know that you disagree with me so… talking about my mother like that is a bit disrespectful to me. I understand that what she does isn’t great and the point of this post wasn’t to bash on her actions, but rather evaluate mine.
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Maria wrote:

Monday, February 4, 2008 @ 7:44 pm GMT-8

fragileheart,

I’m not too worried about her identity since Maria is not my real name. I’m sure that if you really want to and go through the right sources, you probably could identify me and then my mother, but not too many people are willing to go to that extreme.

And thank you for not bashing on my mother. It’s one of those things, you know, where you can badmouth the person you’re close to but the second someone from the outside does it, you get all riled up? Yeah, that’s what happens to me and the person before you was the one who prompted my edit.
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Maria stated:

Monday, February 4, 2008 @ 7:46 pm GMT-8

Deanna,

That’s right; for those who didn’t grow up with the values that others were taught, they are going to think differently. My mother did was she did and unfortunately, in this country anyway, that’s highly frowned upon. It’s the same for anyone else too, like those who come from conservative families who move to a much less conservative area. There are always going to be differences.
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Maria voiced:

Monday, February 4, 2008 @ 7:54 pm GMT-8

Shelly,

I must say that your comment is the one who is the most supportive. It does seem less severe to me because well, I am struggling. I may get fired from my low paying job and have had trouble finding just a regular job in the last few weeks. I’m living off credit and am thousands in debt. So… saving $60 sounds like a good thing to me.

I just hope that once I get past the poor college kid phase, I won’t continue with these habits.
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Maria commented:

Monday, February 4, 2008 @ 8:00 pm GMT-8

Robin,

Related? Hmm. Maybe if you go back years and years back… thousands of years perhaps?

But March of the Penguins is so cute! Except for the part where some of them die, but overall, very cute. I suppose that for kids, it’s not as enjoyable, so that’s understandable.
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fragileheart remarked:

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 @ 8:09 am GMT-8

Maria, Shelly brought up a good point… and I suppose like you said when you get out of the poor college kid phase that you’re in and you’re standing on your own two feet (or rather just not in debt anymore). You can give back to the world by regularly donating to charity or volunteering? That would surely clear your conscience and even prove that you’re not like your Mom.

And don’t worry, I totally understand why you get defensive when someone bad mouth’s your Mom. I think that the person who commented before me did it specifically because you asked us not to in your post. You know?
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Sameer voiced:

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 @ 9:05 am GMT-8

Maria: You also right, but it depends on you how you take the situation… parents are not always against of their children.
We have to admire their positive things try to follow it…
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Arwen expressed:

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 @ 12:52 pm GMT-8

It sounds like a compulsive disorder that was probably passed on to you. The good thing is that you recognize what you’re doing, but you shouldn’t try to rationalize it. If you realize what you’re doing is wrong, you should try to not do those things. At least you’re seeing a doctor.
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Maria answered:

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 @ 1:13 pm GMT-8

fragileheart,

Yeah, Shelly did have a point. I’ve always wanted to give back to the community once I get older, whether it be through time or money.

Actually, Vanessa is the one who prompted that note in the first place. So when she left a comment, said note was not there.
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Maria expressed:

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 @ 1:30 pm GMT-8

Sameer,

Yes, one little bad thing doesn’t ruin the whole good image we have of them. They all have positive qualities and those are the ones we should strive to keep.
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Maria remarked:

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 @ 1:51 pm GMT-8

Arwen,

Yeah, I’m glad to be seeing my doctor. I just have to work up from here, you know?
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