Punishment

10.01.08

Posted under: Blog365, Life, Relationships, Thoughts

Through my sessions with my psychiatrist, we’ve uncovered that I have this knack to punish myself. It’s a disturbing thought in a way and I’m still unsure about how to deal with it. See, what happens is that when I feel that I’ve done something wrong, such as hurt a friend, hurt my parents, I take it out on myself. I feel that because of my wrongdoings, I need to be punished. Sometimes it’s through self-mutilation or just a mental beat down. There was even a serious event that landed me in the hospital.

The thing is, I honestly don’t know how to handle this. The logical thing would be to stop beating myself up, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to overcome this large obstacle that controls everything that I do because this contributes to everything from my low self-esteem to my fears. It’s not going to be an easy journey and I honestly have no idea on what to do.

Sometimes, I think that the reason why I’m so depressed right now about the whole Stockton Boy situation is because I feel that I need to be this hurt, I feel that I need to be suffering this much because I lost someone very important to me in the way that I did not want to lose him. He told me that I could have still had him as a good friend, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more and when he moved on, it crushed me; it still does.

I’m sorry; this isn’t exactly the happiest post around, but that’s what blogs are for, right? If this is too hard for some of you to try and leave a comment on, then feel free to tell me about your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Or comment on both topics; that works too.

Oh, one more thing. Please sign up for the SOTW and SOTM contests! So far, Julie has been the only one to submit applications and as much as I love her, she’s already got the plug on my blogroll and perhaps someone else deserves the chance? Links are in the sidebar.

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Tags: depression, hospital, punishment, Stockton Boy, Valentine's Day

27 Comments »

Margaret typed:

Thursday, January 10, 2008 @ 6:56 pm GMT-8

Gosh! I wish there was something I could say or do to help you with your problem, but I think that will have to come from within yourself.

I know it’s difficult to overcome things that happened when you were a child that helped to make you feel that you are unworthy of love .. I had to overcome some myself.

Please know that I consider you to be worthy of love. As little as I know about you and all of it from reading your blog which is probably not the best way to get to know someone.

Know too, that you have some inner strengths that will help you overcome your issues.

Margaret
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Jessica said:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 11:40 am GMT-8

It’s so upsetting to me that you feel this need to cause damage to yourself.
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Shelly wrote:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 4:19 pm GMT-8

Don’t worry about the post not being upbeat or anything, you even said it, this is what blogs are for. You deserve to have this little place to vent whenever you need to, to express your feelings and to help you organize your thoughts. Or at least write them down so they don’t keep jumbling up your head so much. I’m glad that you were able to identify this issue of yours with your psychiatrist though. I’m not a psychiatrist or any expert in this field myself, but people have always told me that being able to identify the problem is a key point to recovery. Now that you’ve found it, I wish you the best of luck in trying to overcome it so you can have a happier life? Stay strong sweetie, and while it is easier said than done, stop beating yourself up over things.

I always end up beating myself up mentally when I’ve done something to hurt someone else, or even just something that I realize later isn’t satisfactory, or was stupid. Those are always hard times, and I haven’t found the motivation to stop doing it myself, I hope that you can before I do.

P.S.- Stockton? Like…Stockton, CA Stockton? that’s so where I live. I know this is random but seeing my town somewhere else always amazes me.
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Shelly answered:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 4:20 pm GMT-8

OMG, sorry I’m spamming or whatever…but I was curious and read your about you page — and GOOO CAALL!! Haha, I go there too! =P Wow, this is quite awesome, if I do say so myself.
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Maria responded:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 7:47 pm GMT-8

Margaret,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope my inner strength comes soon.
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Maria responded:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 7:48 pm GMT-8

Jessica,

It upsets me too.
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Maria commented:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 8:49 pm GMT-8

Shelly,

Yes, Stockton as in Stockton, CA.

Thank you for the kind wishes. I will definitely explore this issue more as my psychiatrist and I try to figure it all out.

Well, I don’t wish that I find out before you; I would hope that in time, no matter who gets there first, we’d find out how to fix it. Unless you’re waiting for me to go through it and then you’ll follow.
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Maria said:

Friday, January 11, 2008 @ 8:52 pm GMT-8

Shelly,

This is good SPAM. It’s okay.

GO BEARS!

And you are so not Facebook-able.
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Cole stated:

Saturday, January 12, 2008 @ 8:18 am GMT-8

Hmm. Sounds like a complex issue but, I hope you’ll get through it in time. At least you can see things you’re doing so that you can start working on it.
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Maria typed:

Saturday, January 12, 2008 @ 9:58 pm GMT-8

Cole,

Thanks. It’s going to take some time, of course, but I know I’ll get through it.
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Roz said:

Sunday, January 13, 2008 @ 11:12 am GMT-8

It could be possible that you want to hurt yourself because you feel like what happened is your fault (as in what happened that made you hurt in the first place, or who you hurt). I guess what you’d have to realize is that sometimes things really aren’t your fault; we can’t control everything that happens in life, and you shouldn’t punish yourself for hurting others.
You are your own worst critic, and that has been established for everyone long before. It will be a hard process, and I’m really sorry you have to go through this. If you ever need to talk, you know I’m here.
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Julie shouted:

Monday, January 14, 2008 @ 5:07 am GMT-8

*HUGGLESNESS*
I don’t know what to say to help you overcome the need to take things out on yourself, but that’s really your doctor’s job, right? Now that this is uncovered, the doc should give you advice/whatever to help you not feel the need or at least to fight the need. Cause you’re an awesome lady and you don’t deserve to hurt.
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Ann expressed:

Monday, January 14, 2008 @ 8:16 am GMT-8

I’m not exactly sure what to say in response to this post. It saddens me how people can feel such things as you do. I wish you the best of luck in overcoming your feelings of unworthy. Take care hun.
Maria responded:

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 @ 1:30 am GMT-8

Roz,

Yes, I know that I do blame myself quite too often and it will be a hard shell to break out of.

Thanks for the offer.
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Maria voiced:

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 @ 1:31 am GMT-8

Julie,

It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t know what to say to me either.

Yes, my doctor and I are trying to get to the bottom of this all.
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Maria shouted:

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 @ 1:33 am GMT-8

Ann,

It saddens me too and I just hope that I will overcome this soon.

Also, if you didn’t know how to respond, I did pose a Valentine’s Day question. I understood that this post may have been a bit difficult for some to respond to, so I added a nice, somewhat fun question.
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Angela wrote:

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 @ 10:31 am GMT-8

I’m so sorry you feel like this. But now that you know what the problem is, hopefully you’ll be overcome it with time. Take care!
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AtomiK Kitten declared:

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 @ 4:42 pm GMT-8

You do not need to be hurt; you want to hurt. The difference between a need and a want is that a need is something you cannot live without. You can live without hurting yourself…right now you just choose not to do so. From one self mutilator to another…

I had to be (and am still on) put on medication to make me stop.

Physical pain is easier for some of us to deal with (hey I gave birth naturally…as in no drugs…to an 8 pound baby) than emotional pain.
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Kelly typed:

Thursday, January 17, 2008 @ 5:40 am GMT-8

Don’t worry about punishing yourself. I think we all do it. I do it to myself as well. Then a week later I realize who the real problem is.
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Bec remarked:

Friday, January 18, 2008 @ 12:18 am GMT-8

Hey there. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time. I cut myself sometimes, though my main solution to dealing with it all is through purging. I binge and then well… you know. I can’t say that I want to help but I certainly don’t want to feel this way. Whenever those dark and desperate times come to me… and I’m sure you feel like that too. It’s hard, right? When something just starts you off and you go down a road where you can’t seem to stop and the next morning, you’re like, fuck, what happened.

As a person who hasn’t sought medical help, i can’t advise you much. And truthfully, I don’t think I really want help at the moment. That’s how I deal with my problems and it’s alright I suppose. And if you feel the same way, some shrink with fancy words isn’t going to change your mind unless you yourself feel it’s time.

All the best.
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Maria wrote:

Friday, January 18, 2008 @ 8:04 pm GMT-8

Angela,

Yes, knowing is half the battle. It will take time, but I know I’ll get over this.
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Maria wrote:

Friday, January 18, 2008 @ 8:14 pm GMT-8

AtomiK Kitten,

You’re right; I want to punish myself, but it’s also because I feel like I need to. It’s a complicated mess.

Medication has come up a few times, but neither of us have made a step into getting them for me.

I’d rather go through physical pain too.
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Maria declared:

Friday, January 18, 2008 @ 8:15 pm GMT-8

Kelly,

The thing, I never really put blame on anybody else. Sometimes, I’ll acknowledge the fact that someone else could have been a contributor, but rarely do I make someone else the wrongdoer.
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Maria voiced:

Friday, January 18, 2008 @ 8:59 pm GMT-8

Bec,

One, read the rules.

Two, not wanting help is pretty much digging yourself deeper into your hole. As for my psychiatrist, I’m seeing him because I want to change my habits. And as a person who has sought medical help, I can advise you to do the same.
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Mikster stated:

Sunday, January 20, 2008 @ 12:56 pm GMT-8

Hopefully this is something you can overcome…and as soon as possible. Best of luck… and stuff.
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Maria wrote:

Sunday, January 20, 2008 @ 7:21 pm GMT-8

Mikster,

I hope it’s ASAP too, but I feel as if things just keep piling on top of my “things to fix about me” list.
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The MWF Read - 02/08/2008 | Saphrym responded:

Saturday, February 9, 2008 @ 7:00 pm GMT-8

[...] Punishment - Boscardin.org - A very honest blog. This one talks about her depression but it shows ehr honesty in her blog entries. It’s definitely growing on me. [...]