Secrets Better Left Unsaid?

10.09.08

Posted under: Thoughts

Some of you may have noticed that I do like to share what most would consider something private, or at least a little more intimate. You’ve seen the start of my smoking and my tendency to punish myself.

And a thought occurred to me: Who would I really tell about these things? I haven’t told my sister, my family, even some of my closest friends. I remember during the last few months of last year (2007), I was completely miserable and it didn’t seem like I was improving. Stockton Boy was there with me through most of it and saw me fall so far down and that, upset him. It upset him because he wanted to be a good friend, he wanted to help me but he didn’t know how to or whatever he did wouldn’t help. He was miserable just to see me miserable.

During those times, when I would put myself down and wallow in my low self-esteem, he was frustrated. He yelled at me because I wasn’t paying attention to how he felt, how worried and stressed he had become because of me. I was not trying to get better and in doing so, hurt him more.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is how would you tell a close friend about your self-destructive behavior? Would you tell a friend if you had no plans to stop the behavior? Telling your close friend would only upset him, right? And if you don’t want to stop, then he’s going to keep worrying about you until you do and that would cause more grief, wouldn’t it?

For example, take my smoking (save your fingers; don’t tell me to quit). I tell my sister (if she asks anyway) just about anything and I have refrained from telling her about this. I haven’t even told my good friend, JL, either because the first time he found out, he was really concerned about me. I choose not to tell them because I know that I don’t want to quit right now and having them know about this makes them more stressed out about me.

Are some secrets better left unsaid? Or should you share them with the people that are closest to you, despite knowing how much hurt it can cause?

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Tags: feelings, friends, secrets, smoking, Stockton Boy

14 Comments »

Michael remarked:

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 @ 8:21 am GMT-8

That’s what a shrink is for…

I wouldn’t tell people close to me if there’s nothing they can do for me.
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Julie stated:

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 @ 6:49 pm GMT-8

I suppose some secrets really are better left as secrets. I mean people usually tell others their troubles because they are calling out for some sort of help or support. But if you’re not planning at all to change anything, then almost why bother talking about it if it’s just going to make others sad and scared for you?
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Cromely stated:

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 @ 9:41 pm GMT-8

It depends on how willing I am to do something about it. I could talk to some of my friends about the things that make me unhappy in my life, and they would encourage me to change those things. Which makes sense because friends simply want one another to be happy. The challenge, however, is that I’m not necessarily ready to change those things, so why bring them up? It will only create tension and turbulence.

Now, as to why I might not change those things, well, that opens a whole other set up issues…
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Michael Aulia voiced:

Thursday, September 11, 2008 @ 5:27 am GMT-8

I guess it depends on why you would want to tell that secret for? I usually tell it to my closest friends if I want their support, prayer, advice, and/or encouragement.
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Jane commented:

Thursday, September 11, 2008 @ 1:43 pm GMT-8

I think that some things are secret for a reason, I think it is because people see a certain side of you and people do not want a ruin that image, whether they have the image of a innocent girl, a slut, a bitch etc. It does not have to be a good image, but it is an image and we don’t like to ruin what a person thinks of us if they like us for it or even hate us for it sometimes.

Also some things like the smoking are kept secret, because you already know what people are going to say so do you really need to hear it and waste their time by making them say it?
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fragileheart answered:

Thursday, September 11, 2008 @ 6:06 pm GMT-8

It’s funny just how much I can relate to you in regard to this though I’m not going to go into any detail about it because I would never want there to be any written proof of anything I think that when I tell someone something that I should be ashamed of I’m usually looking for approval. Approval for doing what I’m doing even though I know what I’m doing is wrong. I usually get it, but only because I tend to tell people who I know will have the same beliefs as I do.

It’s easier to post private things on a blog because you know that if anyone really, truly disagrees with you… it’s easier to ignore them and their opinion.

To answer your questions, I do think that some things are better left as secrets. But there are a lot of ‘ifs’ attached to that opinion. Too many to add to this already very long comment.
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Samantha responded:

Friday, September 12, 2008 @ 5:08 am GMT-8

Some secrets are better left unsaid. At least to those close to you… It’s strange though, how people have no problem telling total strangers their dirtiest secrets….
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Musab answered:

Saturday, September 13, 2008 @ 1:42 am GMT-8

Interesting. Glad to read
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Wrhona replied:

Sunday, September 14, 2008 @ 1:59 am GMT-8

I have secrets I never told anyone until they’ve been buried, forgotten because I just think that sharing them can create a bigger drama.
Someone told me that if you want to stop smoking, don’t tell it to your close friends or just to anyone b/c they will just be the shadow behind you persuading you everytime to quit. This, i think make sense to me…
Ps. sorry for this late comment fr dspr..
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Stuart expressed:

Monday, September 15, 2008 @ 4:12 am GMT-8

I have to say, I struggled with something similar and it was not until I told my close friends and family that I was able to start looking into myself to find a solution.

I guess in other words, the support that friends and family can provide is quite honestly endless, but you have to be open to that support and you have to be willing to change otherwise as you said, it can just lead to further destructive behavior.
Stuart
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Justin voiced:

Monday, September 15, 2008 @ 8:10 am GMT-8

I’m not sure that I’d confide everything that troubles me to people close to me. I mean, I guess it’s mostly because I’m afraid of getting too close to people, and sharing your problems is extremely intimate.
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Sarah voiced:

Monday, September 15, 2008 @ 9:24 am GMT-8

I for one know that I cannot tell my closest friends everything. There is just some things you have to keep private. But when it comes to this kind of behaviour, someone has to know. Whether it is family or friends, someone has to know what you are going through and possibly give you help.
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Rose announced:

Saturday, September 20, 2008 @ 3:07 pm GMT-8

That’s something that I totally cannot answer. However, if you refrain from telling people about major secrets and they FIND OUT, then there could be some awkward times ahead of you.

I do find it interesting/odd that you share this stuff online with a bunch of strangers while you avoid telling it to people you love and trust the most, however.
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David wrote:

Sunday, September 21, 2008 @ 10:23 pm GMT-8

I would workout, walk, and exercise to deal with stress rather than taking up something like smoking.
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