Archive for the ‘Changes’ Category
As some of you may (or may not) know, I recently picked up a rather nasty habit (or at least nasty to me): I started smoking. This began a few months ago and I tried to keep it under wraps for a while. In the beginning, I would only do it in my own company, never around anybody else. Then I started doing it as I was just out on the streets (and yes, I tried my best to be considerate to those who were walking around me). I never really let anybody in on the frequency of my nasty habit; I just mentioned it if it was either brought up or worth mentioning. I had briefly mentioned it before to my doctor, but I don’t think I let him in on where I had my first cigarette.
Yes, this may be a bit shocking, but I had my first cigarette right next to Stockton Boy’s apartment building. No, he did not see me and I think a part of me wanted him to. When I brought this up again with my doctor on Friday, he mentioned that perhaps I was doing it because of him.
Here’s an example (unrelated to this): Your dad tells you to not jump on the bed but you do it anyway either to spite him or to defy him. Well, for me, I doubt that I was spiting anyone; it was more of a defiance. Stockton Boy hates alcohol and smoking, so what do I do? I pick them both up. Well, the alcohol had already been a social thing for me, so it wasn’t as if I was making a big life change, but the smoking? Now that was big.
So after I went through all of my studying, I finally got a chance to breathe and I thought about the whole topic some more. I realized that although he has a much less involvement in my life now than he did a few months ago, Stockton Boy still has a control over my life and I hate that. I hate that I may have started smoking in order to do what he did not want me to do and I hate that even six months later, I’m still a wreck. But at least I was able to make a decision during this thinking process of mine: I’m quitting.
During these last two months, I kept wondering why I was smoking when I knew how detrimental it was to my health and I knew how badly it smelled to most people. Now I know and now I can finally tell myself that it’s a stupid reason to have done it in the first place. But hey, sometimes you need to make mistakes in order to grow as a person, right?
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate all of the love and support so many of you have shown me. Yes, I am still planning on returning and replying to all comments as well as catching up on my RSS feeds. Though, if I could just ask for one thing: Don’t leave ‘It’s good you’ve quit.’ comments unless you plan to expand. I know, it’s a bit picky, but I feel as if I’m standing here sharing my secrets that even my sister doesn’t know (until she reads this) and this is a post that deserves much more than that.
Good night folks.
Lately, I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s a scary feeling. Sure, I’ve always known that I’m quite the indecisive person, but I thought I had my morals and values in check. Unfortunately, as of late, I haven’t been.
I honestly don’t know what kind of person I want to be. Sure, I want to be the nice one who helps out as much as she can, but what I do now is completely lost to me. Within the last few months, I have done things that I had always, always refused to do and the next thing you know, I have done them.
There is a theory, but I could be wrong with this one. The person I used to be has gone into hiding because she was horribly hurt in the breakup that shook up my entire life. Because of this, the impulsive girl, the “bad” girl, has come out and is taking over. The things that I am doing/have done have been things that I have always desired to do, but knew better than that (with the exception of one activity). I always knew that those things that a part of me wanted were not good things for me to be doing. I knew that I should not be doing any of those things. I knew that those things did not make me who I was and that I could live without doing any of those things.
I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can honestly tell you that I have no idea where I’m going and who I’m going to be. What I thought were core values are no longer there or have been shaken up at least.
Again, sorry for the depressing note of this post. If you have nothing too particular to say, then feel free to answer this question:
If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?
(They have to be things that you can actually do; so flying like Superman is not an option, but traveling around the world is. It doesn’t matter if you will never do it, but if you could, what would you do?)
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now about my current state of mind. See, I know what I have to do to get over this whole break-up thing, right? The thing is, I’m not doing it. For awhile, I kept telling myself (and to others) that I couldn’t do what was needed of me, that I couldn’t do what I knew I should have been doing. However, I feel as if they were easy enough of tasks to do, yet I chose not to do them. Which leads me to conclude that a part of me, which part and why I do not know, but a part of me wants to feel this way. A part of me is refusing to let go and that is causing my current turmoil.
Think about it. How many times have you told yourself that you can’t do something? But you knew that you could do it if you could muster up the strength to do it. Now, it has nothing to do with any other excuse. “I can’t do it because I don’t know how to.” or “I can’t do it because it’s too hard.” The thing is, no one would suggest if one knew that you were not capable of doing the task. Even you wouldn’t lie to yourself and say that it couldn’t be done, unless you said at least not now. It’s the “not now” part that makes a difference. If it’s “not now,” then it’s going to be at some time so what’s stopping from making that “some time” “now?”
It’s because there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to do it. It’s not that you can’t do it; you can actually. You just don’t want to.
I believe that is what I’m going through right now. I know what to do, I have an idea of how to do it, I’m just not doing it. Why, I don’t know yet. I feel that if I keep digging, I’ll find the source for my lack of desire to change and maybe, I will finally be able want to move on.
Tomorrow morning is my first appointment with a psychologist. I don’t know what to expect really. I can’t expect everything to start getting better at the first visit, I can’t expect to get fixed so soon. All I can do is hope that she knows what to do to help me, that’s all I can ask for anyway, right? I’m just glad that of my entire list, I had only two accept me. The ones I was able to reach either had no room for new patients, or had no room for new insured patients. I would go on a tiny rant about that, but I’d rather not.
I’m just grateful that someone has decided to help me.
Because I know that I truly need it.
It’s odd though because I’m one of those people, the ones that if I were to go (’go’ as in ‘die’), no one would really see it coming. I’d be one of those people because I would rather not burden people. I’d rather not have them worry about me when, in most cases, that’s all they would be able to do: worry. I would much rather have them remember me happy than sad.
But I suppose I can’t leave. As much as I feel how much others’ lives would be easier without me, I can’t leave. Partly because I’m a chicken and partly because… well, just because.
How did I ever get here? How did this whole thing, become me? I wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to be the cheery one, the happy one, but… now I’m not. How did I get to this point?
I guess that’s step one, kind of? Well, not according to Stockton Boy, but I suppose this is my step one.
I have a problem.
[ edit @ 6:00pm ] And it just got worse.
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