Archive for the ‘Life’ Category
Who knew that my taking a semester off from college could cause so much more work? Well, since that happened, the university doesn’t consider me to be one of their students, so for my summer courses, I have to pay the visiting undergraduates rate which is $270/unit on top of the $385 enrollment fee. Since I plan to take a total of 8 units over the summer, my entire total comes out to be $2545! That’s absurd!
Well, I may be able to get financial aid if I register for the fall courses, but at this point, I’m only about 75-80% sure that I want to go back. The other part is really making sure that I can change my habits for the better and whatnot. I’m not too sure yet about all of that. All I know for now that I have to may that 2.5 grand up front and if not, then well, I could lose my spot in my classes. I am planning to head to the financial aid office later today to talk to one of the advisers who’s supposed to know much more about this topic.
Hopefully, I’ll either get the university rate or the financial aid. Hopefully.
As some of you may (or may not) know, I recently picked up a rather nasty habit (or at least nasty to me): I started smoking. This began a few months ago and I tried to keep it under wraps for a while. In the beginning, I would only do it in my own company, never around anybody else. Then I started doing it as I was just out on the streets (and yes, I tried my best to be considerate to those who were walking around me). I never really let anybody in on the frequency of my nasty habit; I just mentioned it if it was either brought up or worth mentioning. I had briefly mentioned it before to my doctor, but I don’t think I let him in on where I had my first cigarette.
Yes, this may be a bit shocking, but I had my first cigarette right next to Stockton Boy’s apartment building. No, he did not see me and I think a part of me wanted him to. When I brought this up again with my doctor on Friday, he mentioned that perhaps I was doing it because of him.
Here’s an example (unrelated to this): Your dad tells you to not jump on the bed but you do it anyway either to spite him or to defy him. Well, for me, I doubt that I was spiting anyone; it was more of a defiance. Stockton Boy hates alcohol and smoking, so what do I do? I pick them both up. Well, the alcohol had already been a social thing for me, so it wasn’t as if I was making a big life change, but the smoking? Now that was big.
So after I went through all of my studying, I finally got a chance to breathe and I thought about the whole topic some more. I realized that although he has a much less involvement in my life now than he did a few months ago, Stockton Boy still has a control over my life and I hate that. I hate that I may have started smoking in order to do what he did not want me to do and I hate that even six months later, I’m still a wreck. But at least I was able to make a decision during this thinking process of mine: I’m quitting.
During these last two months, I kept wondering why I was smoking when I knew how detrimental it was to my health and I knew how badly it smelled to most people. Now I know and now I can finally tell myself that it’s a stupid reason to have done it in the first place. But hey, sometimes you need to make mistakes in order to grow as a person, right?
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate all of the love and support so many of you have shown me. Yes, I am still planning on returning and replying to all comments as well as catching up on my RSS feeds. Though, if I could just ask for one thing: Don’t leave ‘It’s good you’ve quit.’ comments unless you plan to expand. I know, it’s a bit picky, but I feel as if I’m standing here sharing my secrets that even my sister doesn’t know (until she reads this) and this is a post that deserves much more than that.
Good night folks.
For some reason today, a huge wave of homesickness hit me. Now I’m not the type of person to get homesick, ever. If I do, it’s a very, very rare occasion like this one. I honestly don’t know what set it off though. For the entire day, I felt hungry. I wanted something warm and something good. My solution? Progresso Clam Chowder. I ate the whole can too, which is a lot considering I normally eat only half the can at a time. But no, that didn’t work.
I kept thinking of different foods I could eat and all I could think about was my mother’s food. Of course, it’s usually not an elaborate feast or anything, but having a nice bowl of rice and some deliciously cooked meat sounded so wonderful. And since I have not learned the fine arts of cooking from my mother, I could not replicate anything of hers.
My solution? I went to a newly opened restaurant called Anh Hong (unfortunately, without proper accents) because they would serve Vietnamese food. I trusted them much more than I trusted the other Vietnamese restaurants because I know that they are a small franchise and have opened up in large Vietnamese communities.
Anyway, the food was delicious and almost satisfied my desire for my mother’s food. However, it didn’t cure my homesickness. While waiting for and eating my food, there was a large Vietnamese family in the restaurant and seeing them there just made me even more nostalgic. I decided that I had to call my parents and let them know how much I miss them and how much I love them. Hearing my dad’s voice on the other line? That helped cure my homesickness a little. It’s not enough, but it will last me until this weekend anyway.
I just don’t know what brought this on though. I normally don’t miss my parents this much and just this past week, I have been a lot more than usual. Do any of you have this level of homesickness? If so, what do you do? What is your relationship with your parents like? See, my family isn’t the most affectionate around so my calling them just to actually say the words, “I miss you” and “I love you” really meant a lot. Does your family have that kind of problem too?
Well, I’m just so lucky to have the parents that I have. I know that in the previous post, I mentioned that I may have picked up some bad habits, but that doesn’t mean I love them any less. I’m very grateful for my family and without them, I would not be the person I am today and I would not be in such a great college if it weren’t for them. My family always comes first and even now, I’m tearing up as I think so fondly of them.
Even if you aren’t part of an affectionate family, don’t forget to let them know how much you cherish and appreciate them every now and then. And yes, I do mean for you talk to them outside of the holidays.
Lately, I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s a scary feeling. Sure, I’ve always known that I’m quite the indecisive person, but I thought I had my morals and values in check. Unfortunately, as of late, I haven’t been.
I honestly don’t know what kind of person I want to be. Sure, I want to be the nice one who helps out as much as she can, but what I do now is completely lost to me. Within the last few months, I have done things that I had always, always refused to do and the next thing you know, I have done them.
There is a theory, but I could be wrong with this one. The person I used to be has gone into hiding because she was horribly hurt in the breakup that shook up my entire life. Because of this, the impulsive girl, the “bad” girl, has come out and is taking over. The things that I am doing/have done have been things that I have always desired to do, but knew better than that (with the exception of one activity). I always knew that those things that a part of me wanted were not good things for me to be doing. I knew that I should not be doing any of those things. I knew that those things did not make me who I was and that I could live without doing any of those things.
I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can honestly tell you that I have no idea where I’m going and who I’m going to be. What I thought were core values are no longer there or have been shaken up at least.
Again, sorry for the depressing note of this post. If you have nothing too particular to say, then feel free to answer this question:
If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?
(They have to be things that you can actually do; so flying like Superman is not an option, but traveling around the world is. It doesn’t matter if you will never do it, but if you could, what would you do?)
Through my sessions with my psychiatrist, we’ve uncovered that I have this knack to punish myself. It’s a disturbing thought in a way and I’m still unsure about how to deal with it. See, what happens is that when I feel that I’ve done something wrong, such as hurt a friend, hurt my parents, I take it out on myself. I feel that because of my wrongdoings, I need to be punished. Sometimes it’s through self-mutilation or just a mental beat down. There was even a serious event that landed me in the hospital.
The thing is, I honestly don’t know how to handle this. The logical thing would be to stop beating myself up, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to overcome this large obstacle that controls everything that I do because this contributes to everything from my low self-esteem to my fears. It’s not going to be an easy journey and I honestly have no idea on what to do.
Sometimes, I think that the reason why I’m so depressed right now about the whole Stockton Boy situation is because I feel that I need to be this hurt, I feel that I need to be suffering this much because I lost someone very important to me in the way that I did not want to lose him. He told me that I could have still had him as a good friend, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more and when he moved on, it crushed me; it still does.
I’m sorry; this isn’t exactly the happiest post around, but that’s what blogs are for, right? If this is too hard for some of you to try and leave a comment on, then feel free to tell me about your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Or comment on both topics; that works too.
Oh, one more thing. Please sign up for the SOTW and SOTM contests! So far, Julie has been the only one to submit applications and as much as I love her, she’s already got the plug on my blogroll and perhaps someone else deserves the chance? Links are in the sidebar.
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