Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
One of these days, I’ll have a purpose for this blog.
Of course, it will have more of a purpose as soon as I pay my hosting bill… which is as soon as I get paid…
Life is… well, life. I’ve had my ups and downs throughout this year and I’ve just started something new with someone I think is very special, kind, exciting, and definitely has potential to motivate me to better myself more than I try to already. I will admit that I am very scared because in terms of my feelings, there are similarities to how I felt when I first started with Stockton Boy. Yes, the situations are different, but I honestly haven’t felt this way about anyone since him, so yes, I’m quite scared.
However, the difference is this time, I’m definitely trying to communicate more about my issues and if I have fears about anything. I don’t want to end up surprising this new boy with anything and I want him to know how I feel as often as possible. I just really hope I don’t get hurt again.
I’ve already started my last undergraduate year in school. I’m trying to finish up my B.A. in Social Welfare. What I’ll do after college, I’m not sure yet. I know that I definitely want to go into the non-profit sector within the Asian Pacific American community, but in which field (mental health, education, youth, families, etc), I don’t know yet. I feel as if all issues are equally important, but I definitely have to decide where I want to be.
In addition to school, I’ve taken up quite a few roles.
- I’m a mentor for a 6th grader at one of the local elementary schools. She makes me feel old yet nostalgic all at once and I’m happy to see her so vibrant as she is.
- I’m also a co-director for Perspectives, a huge multicultural showcase that the student government puts on every year.
- I’ve also been accepted as one of the 20 pageant contestants for the Miss Vietnam Norcal – Intercollegiate.
- I’m training to be a student-to-student peer counselor where I’d essentially be able to help my fellow peers, students, with their issues ranging from school to relationships to work or whatever their needs are.
And surprisingly enough, I still feel as if I can do more, but when I look at my calendar, I know that I can’t afford to do so. But I’m excited to make this the best year that I have and can’t wait to see how everything turns out.
Miss all of you and I wish I were keeping up better in all of your lives. ♥
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For some reason, there’s always some issue with a boy that I have to have. Well, in my opinion, it’s better than issues with girls anyway since we’re usually quite vicious.
Anyway, for this one, I would like to say that I’m not interested, but the other night, I got to thinking about the real reason why I wasn’t interested – or chose not to act.
I had been telling my friends that I didn’t want to start anything because he was always around me too much; we’re both in the same organization that takes up a lot of our time and not only that, but we’re also in the same language class that meets five times a week. I believed that I wanted to find somebody who had a life outside of mine, someone who wasn’t always in my world, someone that I would want to make a part of my world but still be separate from it.
Then I realized that I also didn’t want to hurt him. I’m the the current stage where yes, a nice boy would be lovely, but I also need someone to take care of my more animal needs (if you catch my drift). Knowing that I wanted that primal satisfaction, I was afraid that if I did start something with him, as nice and as lovely as it would be, I could hurt him and because I care enough for him, I don’t want to put him through that pain and heartache.
I keep telling myself that I’m making the right choice by sparing him the hurt and pain, but in a selfish way, am I also sparing myself from the idea that I would feel guilty? Or am I also afraid? My friend said that he would be a good fit for me because he would be sweet, he’d be kind, he’d say the things I want him to say and he would do the things I’d want him to do, but not in a doormat kind of way.
I think for the moment, I’m going to refrain from acting, not until I know for sure that I’m not crazy in thinking that he’s feeling something too.
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Feeling like I can handle my life, feeling as if I’m finally worth the things that I deserve.
I know that lately, I may have come off as superficial. I joked about finding a man who had money and would take care of me. I joked about finding a man who I could easily dispose of. But what I really meant to say is that I know that I finally deserve someone better. Honestly, I don’t mind too much if he’s not wealthy, but I do want to know that I can be taken care of, because for once, I don’t want to feel as if I need to take care of him all the time, especially financially.
I’ve decided to create a new resolution, one that doesn’t necessarily need to start on the first of the new year. I want to be in a relationship that is worth my time. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to find someone who’s not what I need and nothing like what I want. That means no men who can’t commit, no men who condescend me in every other conversation, no men with whom I feel no connection.
Every woman deserves the man that she deserves. Whatever her dream man may be, that’s who she should strive to find. If she wants a prince, she should find a prince, not a toad.
As for me, I want the prince, the knight, the savior. I want someone who will open doors for me, but will allow me to do my own things. I want someone who’ll make me feel special everyday by the little things he says. I want someone who’s going to take the time to think of me because I’m important enough to him for him to do so.
Now, don’t think I’m a selfish bitch or anything. When I fall for someone, I do many things for him. I send smiles; I take care of the little things so he won’t have to worry about it. Not to toot my own horn, I know that I’d make an awesome girlfriend. I just now need to find me an awesome boyfriend, one that I won’t be settling for.
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Happy Saint Day to Maria Bertilla Boscardin!
This is what happens when you sleep more in an entire weekend than you would during a normal week… even after combining all the days of the week. You come up with weird analogies and have weird dreams. But I’m really here to talk about the former rather than the latter anyway.
So I’m preparing for my braces and whatnot (I know, a little late in life, but better late than never?) and since I have more teeth than my mouth is able to hold, I am forced to extract some teeth (no, this doesn’t include the wisdom teeth I had previously removed). Through all the sleeping and being drugged up this weekend, I realized that this whole process of extraction and the moving of my teeth is a lot like losing someone you love.
Hear me out: You pull out a tooth (or two… or in my case, four) and it hurts like a bitch. It leaves a weird hole in your mouth, a hole that you never had before (minus the ones from your childhood years). And after you’ve gotten the tooth pulled out, it hurts, a lot. It hurts so much that all you want to do is be drugged up for days until the pain subsides or is entirely gone. Even when the pain is gone, you’ve still got that big gap in your mouth. And then the braces start to work. They start pulling the surrounding teeth to fill up the hole. Years later, after the whole process is done, you barely notice that you once had teeth there.
Sound a little familiar? Whether it’s the loss of a friend, a family member, or someone you once loved, you always feel emptier. The pain hurts for days, even for weeks or months and all you want to do (or most people anyway) is erase the pain; make it go away. Eventually, everything else in your life starts to fill in that gap, makes you feel as if you were whole again. Sure, you’ll never be able to replace that hole, or fill it up with something you once had, but with time, you forget that you had lost something so precious to you.
Now, this isn’t typical of every relationship, every friendship, or every bond, but it felt awfully similar. Just be glad I left all the bloody and more painful details out.
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I was talking to my friend last night and I had told her that I wasn’t going to start a romantic relationship with anyone until I could be ready to love again. I said that it would be unfair to the other person if I was incapable of putting all of myself into the relationship if I was still badly hurt or broken.
So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.
From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.
And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.
Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)
Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?
What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?
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