Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
Through my sessions with my psychiatrist, we’ve uncovered that I have this knack to punish myself. It’s a disturbing thought in a way and I’m still unsure about how to deal with it. See, what happens is that when I feel that I’ve done something wrong, such as hurt a friend, hurt my parents, I take it out on myself. I feel that because of my wrongdoings, I need to be punished. Sometimes it’s through self-mutilation or just a mental beat down. There was even a serious event that landed me in the hospital.
The thing is, I honestly don’t know how to handle this. The logical thing would be to stop beating myself up, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to overcome this large obstacle that controls everything that I do because this contributes to everything from my low self-esteem to my fears. It’s not going to be an easy journey and I honestly have no idea on what to do.
Sometimes, I think that the reason why I’m so depressed right now about the whole Stockton Boy situation is because I feel that I need to be this hurt, I feel that I need to be suffering this much because I lost someone very important to me in the way that I did not want to lose him. He told me that I could have still had him as a good friend, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more and when he moved on, it crushed me; it still does.
I’m sorry; this isn’t exactly the happiest post around, but that’s what blogs are for, right? If this is too hard for some of you to try and leave a comment on, then feel free to tell me about your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Or comment on both topics; that works too.
Oh, one more thing. Please sign up for the SOTW and SOTM contests! So far, Julie has been the only one to submit applications and as much as I love her, she’s already got the plug on my blogroll and perhaps someone else deserves the chance? Links are in the sidebar.
I got tagged by Joana and Julie for this one. You’re supposed to copy the entire list of months, but I don’t want the clutter, so I’ll just lead you to a post that has all the other months you’ll need.
Guidelines:
- Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
- Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
- Pick your month of birth (see below).
- Highlight the traits that apply to you.
- Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
- Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!
As for tagging, well, how about I tag the first twelve people (who haven’t done this yet) that comment on this blog? I would choose people, but most of them have already been tagged.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
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I’ve been thinking about this for a while now about my current state of mind. See, I know what I have to do to get over this whole break-up thing, right? The thing is, I’m not doing it. For awhile, I kept telling myself (and to others) that I couldn’t do what was needed of me, that I couldn’t do what I knew I should have been doing. However, I feel as if they were easy enough of tasks to do, yet I chose not to do them. Which leads me to conclude that a part of me, which part and why I do not know, but a part of me wants to feel this way. A part of me is refusing to let go and that is causing my current turmoil.
Think about it. How many times have you told yourself that you can’t do something? But you knew that you could do it if you could muster up the strength to do it. Now, it has nothing to do with any other excuse. “I can’t do it because I don’t know how to.” or “I can’t do it because it’s too hard.” The thing is, no one would suggest if one knew that you were not capable of doing the task. Even you wouldn’t lie to yourself and say that it couldn’t be done, unless you said at least not now. It’s the “not now” part that makes a difference. If it’s “not now,” then it’s going to be at some time so what’s stopping from making that “some time” “now?”
It’s because there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to do it. It’s not that you can’t do it; you can actually. You just don’t want to.
I believe that is what I’m going through right now. I know what to do, I have an idea of how to do it, I’m just not doing it. Why, I don’t know yet. I feel that if I keep digging, I’ll find the source for my lack of desire to change and maybe, I will finally be able want to move on.
I have always, always tried to hear both sides of a story, or at least leave the possibility and the mind open for that other side. Sometimes, for those closest to me, I don’t do a very good job of that.
What prompted this particular post was when I was caught off guard by a friend of mine. I care about a particular person and because of that, I normally don’t question that person’s integrity, that person’s personality. I take what I can from that person’s stories, right? Unfortunately, the other side of of the story isn’t as pleasant as it was when I had heard the first time around.
What makes us do that? We do we make that person so ideal, so perfect that after a certain point, flaws are no longer accepted? No, I can’t figure out if I had chosen to block out the flaws or if I had chosen not to look for them, but either way, they were not recognized. The other side of the story never had a chance to explain itself when it so rightly deserved the chance.
Just to get to the point here, there is always more than one side to the story and to completely close yourself off to another side is a foolish idea, a foolish action. If one side of the story doesn’t make sense, well then, it deserves some more explanation, it deserves another side, another story. What it does not deserve is another lie.
I was planning to put this in my daily journal, but I figure this was a little more fitting to be placed here. Read (or skim) this post to get a little more background.
A lot of emotional stress has gone on since I last blogged. Because I knew Stockton Boy wouldn’t be coming, I started to get very insecure, very selfish, and just not very much like me, or at least a me that I don’t want to be. I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings for a while now, but it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. All I know is that if I still didn’t have feelings for Stockton Boy, then it would all be so much better. I wouldn’t be as jealous as I am now, I wouldn’t be as insecure, I wouldn’t be as scared, I wouldn’t be wanting to be as selfish as I feel like being now.
I just feel really depressed and down right now. I’m a broken person and yes, there are worse cases, but to me, this is my worst, therefore, I feel at my worst. How do you pick yourself up again after the live you envisioned for yourself, the future you thought you could have, gets ripped out of your hands? How do you pick yourself up again after knowing or feeling that it happened all because of you? It’s not easy and lately, I’ve just been wanting to give up, I’ve been wanting to do nothing because I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know where to start fixing myself. My goal is to not be so upset about her. My goal is to be able to not have these feelings for him, to not want him.
I feel even more depressed because I know that I have so much in my life to be grateful for and all I can think about is how horrible I feel. I feel so inconsiderate and I know that I’m grateful, I’m appreciative, but I just can’t really show it, I can’t feel it right now.
On top of all that, despite knowing that he’s still here with me, I feel alone. See, for me, whenever I get depressed, all I want to do is lay in bed and hold my bear because that’s all I can do. What I mean is this: it’s all I can do because what I really want is to have someone next to me, friend or something more, to just hold me while I cry, while I just sit there and feel the warmth of that person transfer to me (because I get cold easily). That’s what I really want, but I settle for trying to use my bear as support because every time I’m down, no one is here with me. That’s why I feel alone. I know it’s a stupid way to think of it, but that’s all I ever really want when I’m down. I just want someone here with me to do all these crazy things and to just hold me. Most of all, I just want an infinite hug.
I just want to feel better, but not only do I not know where to start, a large part of me feels as if I deserve this sadness, that I deserve to suffer through this alone because I’m such a horrible person. A part of me thinks that because I brought this upon myself, I need to go through it myself. I just don’t know what to do though. Because I can be a modest person and because of the way I grew up, I feel as if I can’t really reach out to people, that I’m not worth somebody else’s time. My two childhood friends would just try to get me drunk, I’ve already called up my white knight, and I feel the other friends can’t offer what I need right now. So I can’t reach out; everybody else seems so far away.
This is stupid, I know it, but I can’t find a way to get up.
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