Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
I was planning to put this in my daily journal, but I figure this was a little more fitting to be placed here. Read (or skim) this post to get a little more background.
A lot of emotional stress has gone on since I last blogged. Because I knew Stockton Boy wouldn’t be coming, I started to get very insecure, very selfish, and just not very much like me, or at least a me that I don’t want to be. I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings for a while now, but it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. All I know is that if I still didn’t have feelings for Stockton Boy, then it would all be so much better. I wouldn’t be as jealous as I am now, I wouldn’t be as insecure, I wouldn’t be as scared, I wouldn’t be wanting to be as selfish as I feel like being now.
I just feel really depressed and down right now. I’m a broken person and yes, there are worse cases, but to me, this is my worst, therefore, I feel at my worst. How do you pick yourself up again after the live you envisioned for yourself, the future you thought you could have, gets ripped out of your hands? How do you pick yourself up again after knowing or feeling that it happened all because of you? It’s not easy and lately, I’ve just been wanting to give up, I’ve been wanting to do nothing because I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know where to start fixing myself. My goal is to not be so upset about her. My goal is to be able to not have these feelings for him, to not want him.
I feel even more depressed because I know that I have so much in my life to be grateful for and all I can think about is how horrible I feel. I feel so inconsiderate and I know that I’m grateful, I’m appreciative, but I just can’t really show it, I can’t feel it right now.
On top of all that, despite knowing that he’s still here with me, I feel alone. See, for me, whenever I get depressed, all I want to do is lay in bed and hold my bear because that’s all I can do. What I mean is this: it’s all I can do because what I really want is to have someone next to me, friend or something more, to just hold me while I cry, while I just sit there and feel the warmth of that person transfer to me (because I get cold easily). That’s what I really want, but I settle for trying to use my bear as support because every time I’m down, no one is here with me. That’s why I feel alone. I know it’s a stupid way to think of it, but that’s all I ever really want when I’m down. I just want someone here with me to do all these crazy things and to just hold me. Most of all, I just want an infinite hug.
I just want to feel better, but not only do I not know where to start, a large part of me feels as if I deserve this sadness, that I deserve to suffer through this alone because I’m such a horrible person. A part of me thinks that because I brought this upon myself, I need to go through it myself. I just don’t know what to do though. Because I can be a modest person and because of the way I grew up, I feel as if I can’t really reach out to people, that I’m not worth somebody else’s time. My two childhood friends would just try to get me drunk, I’ve already called up my white knight, and I feel the other friends can’t offer what I need right now. So I can’t reach out; everybody else seems so far away.
This is stupid, I know it, but I can’t find a way to get up.
I believe that if you truly love someone, then you would never even think about cheating on that person. I admit that I have been unfaithful before, but when I think back on it, I realize that I stopped caring about the relationship at that point.
See, I was thinking back on a book I read, The Average American Male. It starts off about a guy who’s with this particular girl, but he doesn’t quite understand why he’s with her despite how much he hates her and all the things she does. (Then again, he might be with her for the security of getting sex.) Anyway, *spoiler ahead* he ends up cheating on her and thinks about cheating on her often. However, he later finds another girl and doesn’t cheat whatsoever. His wants don’t change much from girl to girl, but with the last one, he doesn’t even think about going out of his way to find another fuck.
So with that in mind, I’ve come to realize that a lot of people cheat because 1) they don’t have respect for the person they’re with and/or 2) they may or may not realize that they don’t care for their relationship.
I mean, doesn’t it make sense? Those who go out of their way to cheat either have weak morals, don’t understand themselves to realize their relationship is over, or are too cowardly to admit to the other that it’s over. I figure that if you love someone enough and if you care about someone enough, you wouldn’t even need to think twice about cheating. Sure, a lot of times, it’s unexpected, but when it’s not, then what can you conclude? And then, when it’s unexpected, you always have a choice. Even in the last second, there is always a chance to make that decision.
Anyway, that’s just my two cents. I’m sure there are other reasons as to why a person might be unfaithful.
(Does not exist - for you math nerds)
So I’ve been reading Freakonomics as a class textbook (one of two, don’t worry) for a while and it got me really thinking about the things that people do.
It basically all summed down to the point where people do what they do because of the incentive. People lie because of many reasons, but it’s mostly for some sort of good result (though there are cases that would refute this statement of mine). People lie because they don’t want to hurt anybody, they lie because what they are doing will hurt somebody, they lie because they don’t have the heart to tell the person what is really going on.
I remember as a child, I would try and disobey my father by being sneaky. Well, he was sneaky too because he would always find out, but he would wait for the right time to catch me in the act instead of confront me. I always remembered that although what I was doing was a bad thing (or something that he didn’t want me to do), he was more disappointed at the fact that I had to lie. That was my father, always ashamed that I had to resort to such things.
What I remember most about what I’ve read so far is how far people go for incentives. Teachers have been known to cheat, sumo wrestlers included. Real Estate agents have been known to use their expertise to their advantage, withholding information that might be valuable to a potential buyer or purposely creating manipulative ads.
People do so much to lie, but is it really worth it in the end? Now, I’m not saying that there’s someone out there that doesn’t lie and I have been known to do my fair share of distorting or bending the truth, but there are just some things that a person should not withhold from another, you know? But how can you judge or measure the severity of a lie? Does it depend on how upset it makes you feel? Does it depend on the act that was covered up? Or is it just the lie in general that is awfully damaging?
Either way, I think that although it may hurt the person to tell the truth, it’s better to say it upfront and from you than for the person to find out from another person or through another means. It always hurts more when the person or people you care about are lying to you.
It’s so easy for someone to make rules that s/he wants to follow, but when that one special person comes along, all the rules get bent and broken.
So then, what’s the point of making the rules? Are the rules there to weed out the bad ones? Or because we feel that all the other relationships have been so bad that having rules makes it “safe” again.
But see, the rules get broken. Especially when someone comes along and takes your heart away, the rules get trampled on. It doesn’t always mean in a good way either. (I just want to believe it’s in the good way because I’m such a hopeless romantic.) The point is that we are so apt to make these guide lines that we believe future significant others need to follow, yet we always find a way to bend them to fit, to break them to mold.
My question is then, what’s the point? Why go through all that hassle? Or maybe, you use the rules as a measurement of how much you’re willing to change and to sacrifice for this one person.
I don’t know the statistics for it, but for a lot of women, their rapists are people that they’ve met before and/or the night of. This does not include those who walk down the street, by the way.
It makes a little bit of sense, doesn’t it? A girl goes to a party and runs into someone she’s met just once or twice. She’s drinking; he’s drinking and everything is swell… right up until they’re in a room and the guy wants sex but she doesn’t. However, she’s impaired and can’t really defend herself properly and so… in he goes.
Other times, it’s because of an abusive husband or boyfriend. The wife/girlfriend feels scared and doesn’t know what to do, so she gives in to give him what he wants, even if she doesn’t. It’s also difficult for women to run away since unfortunately, they are physically weaker than men on average.
I know that this is stuff you all might have heard or would have guessed, but I just wanted to say something about this topic because it’s been something I’ve been thinking about recently.
Why, do you ask? Because I realized that I, too, was raped. Not in the violent, stereotypical way, but I was forced to have sexual intercourse when it was quite obvious that I did not want to. Why did I do it? I was scared.
I hate myself for it too. I could have left; I could have said no. But I was scared of what he would do to himself and what he would do to me, not physically though. Long story short, he was someone I was forbidden to see and since I was staying at home with my parents at the time, I did not want him to create a scene in front of them; that was the last thing I needed.
I know that this particular rape isn’t as severe as others’, but now that I’ve had time to process it, I realize that this does qualify as rape. I absolutely loathe myself too for putting myself in this kind of a situation. I always thought that I could be strong, that if a man were to ever hit me, I’d leave.
But… I was never hit and that’s where I failed. Live and learn, folks. Live and learn.
[edit] I forgot to state my point: Don’t always trust the person you’ve met or you’re with and if you feel that the person might have some anger/emotional issues, address them as soon as possible. Don’t fool yourself like I did to myself; realize that when you don’t want to do something, you have that right, especially when it comes to intercourse.
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