Posted under: Life

A few days ago, I had the pleasure of proofreading a friend’s personal statement. After finishing it, two things happened for me.

First, I realized that people are very multifaceted. Some may be lacking in some areas of life, but can be completely amazing in others. A great person doesn’t mean a person who excels in all aspects of life (romance, friendship, academics, etc), but rather, finds something meaningful enough to pursue and pursues it.

Second, I took a look at myself and felt quite inadequate. Here was someone just a few months older than me and already, he had done so many things and had grown so much. When I look at this friend, I see him as this source of so much potential. Whether he changes the world or changes the life of one person, he will end up doing something great.

Me?

The things that I’ve learned within the past few years are not as profound.

Don’t put out before the third date.
Macy’s has some pretty good purses on sale on Black Friday
If a guy looks creepy, don’t give him your number and don’t let him pressure you into doing so.
Be careful with your heart because there are bastards out there who won’t give a shit.
Never allow yourself to be abused again and next time, take that stand to leave his skank ass.

All of these “lessons,” in a way, seem so superficial to me.

Even if I learned things about myself, I rarely did anything to change my actions. In a sense, I just became aware of my flaws and faults.

Sometimes, I feel as if I don’t take enough initiative to get things done. I sit and expect things to fall into my lap (opportunities, jobs, etc). Maybe it’s a part of not knowing where to begin in order to get where I need to go and maybe it’s a part of laziness.

I want to make a difference.

I have fantasies on what I could do, but I have no plan. Hell, I don’t really have a specific target.

Am I afraid? Am I lazy? Am I so confused that I can’t begin? Am I just… not that great?

People say that I’m a great person (and on some days, I feel like I am), but I haven’t learned, I haven’t done, I haven’t grown. I’m twenty-freaking-one and all I do is go to school, sleep, and drink.

I want to do different, but after having written this note, will I actually go and do it?

Tags: aspirations, goals, inadequate

Posted under: Relationships

For some reason, there’s always some issue with a boy that I have to have. Well, in my opinion, it’s better than issues with girls anyway since we’re usually quite vicious.

Anyway, for this one, I would like to say that I’m not interested, but the other night, I got to thinking about the real reason why I wasn’t interested – or chose not to act.

I had been telling my friends that I didn’t want to start anything because he was always around me too much; we’re both in the same organization that takes up a lot of our time and not only that, but we’re also in the same language class that meets five times a week. I believed that I wanted to find somebody who had a life outside of mine, someone who wasn’t always in my world, someone that I would want to make a part of my world but still be separate from it.

Then I realized that I also didn’t want to hurt him. I’m the the current stage where yes, a nice boy would be lovely, but I also need someone to take care of my more animal needs (if you catch my drift). Knowing that I wanted that primal satisfaction, I was afraid that if I did start something with him, as nice and as lovely as it would be, I could hurt him and because I care enough for him, I don’t want to put him through that pain and heartache.

I keep telling myself that I’m making the right choice by sparing him the hurt and pain, but in a selfish way, am I also sparing myself from the idea that I would feel guilty? Or am I also afraid? My friend said that he would be a good fit for me because he would be sweet, he’d be kind, he’d say the things I want him to say and he would do the things I’d want him to do, but not in a doormat kind of way.

I think for the moment, I’m going to refrain from acting, not until I know for sure that I’m not crazy in thinking that he’s feeling something too.

Tags: crush, nice boy, nice guy