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Yes, I’m long overdue for a new post and the delay has been mostly due to my being mildly busy over the last few weeks. Comments will be replied to and returned as soon as I can get to them. I’m neglecting a few things actually. Bad me.
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I’m a big believer on self-determination. What I mean by that, and for the purpose of this post, is that you choose your actions, especially, your attitudes. You’d think that with this mindset, I’d always try to be happy, right? Well, a few weeks ago (and possibly including a day of last week), I was really depressed. However, I did little (except some retail therapy) to help alleviate my mood. In fact, I probably worsened or encouraged my bad mood by listening to sad songs.
For me, I listen to music for two reasons: 1) because I enjoy it and 2) because there are certain songs that can express how I feel in a much more beautiful manner. Due to the latter reason, I ended up listening to songs that didn’t give me motivation or hope, but allowed me to wallow in my despair for just a little longer.
These actions got me to thinking though. I could have chosen to listen to Yellowcard’s “Believe” (not an official video) or something of that manner, but I didn’t. I purposefully chose songs that I knew were sad, that I knew were depressing. I didn’t try to go out and find friends to have a good time with, but instead, stayed inside my apartment and wallowed.
So I wonder, why would someone what to do that? Why would someone like me want to put myself through such an emotional hell? In such a dark space? It doesn’t make sense, does it, but unfortunately, it happens and people do it too often.
This all reminds me of a post I came across that had a video about a paraplegic man who had a really good attitude when everything else in his life was grim. During the clip, he talks about how he could have taken the traditional reaction and made everything seem so bad, but he didn’t. He chose to have a positive attitude and that changed everything for him.
When you’re in a bad mood, do you allow yourself to sulk and stew or do you try to do something more productive and positive? Sure, the latter sounds very ideal, but really, how often do you do it?
I was talking to my friend last night and I had told her that I wasn’t going to start a romantic relationship with anyone until I could be ready to love again. I said that it would be unfair to the other person if I was incapable of putting all of myself into the relationship if I was still badly hurt or broken.
So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.
From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.
And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.
Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)
Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?
What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?
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