Posted under: Changes, Relationships, Thoughts

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now about my current state of mind. See, I know what I have to do to get over this whole break-up thing, right? The thing is, I’m not doing it. For awhile, I kept telling myself (and to others) that I couldn’t do what was needed of me, that I couldn’t do what I knew I should have been doing. However, I feel as if they were easy enough of tasks to do, yet I chose not to do them. Which leads me to conclude that a part of me, which part and why I do not know, but a part of me wants to feel this way. A part of me is refusing to let go and that is causing my current turmoil.

Think about it. How many times have you told yourself that you can’t do something? But you knew that you could do it if you could muster up the strength to do it. Now, it has nothing to do with any other excuse. “I can’t do it because I don’t know how to.” or “I can’t do it because it’s too hard.” The thing is, no one would suggest if one knew that you were not capable of doing the task. Even you wouldn’t lie to yourself and say that it couldn’t be done, unless you said at least not now. It’s the “not now” part that makes a difference. If it’s “not now,” then it’s going to be at some time so what’s stopping from making that “some time” “now?”

It’s because there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to do it. It’s not that you can’t do it; you can actually. You just don’t want to.

I believe that is what I’m going through right now. I know what to do, I have an idea of how to do it, I’m just not doing it. Why, I don’t know yet. I feel that if I keep digging, I’ll find the source for my lack of desire to change and maybe, I will finally be able want to move on.

Tags: ability, capability, challenges, Changes, decisions, goals

Posted under: Changes, Life

Tomorrow morning is my first appointment with a psychologist. I don’t know what to expect really. I can’t expect everything to start getting better at the first visit, I can’t expect to get fixed so soon. All I can do is hope that she knows what to do to help me, that’s all I can ask for anyway, right? I’m just glad that of my entire list, I had only two accept me. The ones I was able to reach either had no room for new patients, or had no room for new insured patients. I would go on a tiny rant about that, but I’d rather not.

I’m just grateful that someone has decided to help me.

Because I know that I truly need it.

It’s odd though because I’m one of those people, the ones that if I were to go (’go’ as in ‘die’), no one would really see it coming. I’d be one of those people because I would rather not burden people. I’d rather not have them worry about me when, in most cases, that’s all they would be able to do: worry. I would much rather have them remember me happy than sad.

But I suppose I can’t leave. As much as I feel how much others’ lives would be easier without me, I can’t leave. Partly because I’m a chicken and partly because… well, just because.

How did I ever get here? How did this whole thing, become me? I wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to be the cheery one, the happy one, but… now I’m not. How did I get to this point?

Tags: Changes, counseling, help