I feel as if I have this incredible weight inside right now and I can’t quite put it into words. Actually, I don’t even know what it is really. I just know that there’s something… there. I want to let it out, or at least find a way to let it out, but I can’t find a way to let it out until I know what it is I want to let out.
Does any of that make sense?
I don’t know what I’m babbling about really. I’m just… not really sure about some things right now I suppose and it’s taking its toll on me. I know that I posed a lot of questions in the previous post, but now the questions aren’t so loud in my head. That doesn’t mean there aren’t other questions, but the whole worrying about the future thing isn’t as large and looming as it was a while ago.
What I want to do most is sleep. Perhaps I’m using sleep as an escape, but I want to sleep to make the time go by faster. Except there is this damned thing called responsibility.
In other news… more like site news (that should be properly placed in the aside, but I’m lazy tonight). If you want to find out what happened to Boscardin over the weekend, I explain it for a bit here in the first paragraph. I also want to give Boscardin a revamp, but right now, I’ve not the time, which makes me a little sad. It’s okay. I’ll live.
I always do, despite how depressed I can get, I always live. And this weekend, I got an email that really cheered me up. Not to mention getting to hang out with a really cool buddy on a really awesome couch.
Posted under: Life
Sometimes, like now, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I have to look forward to, I don’t know what is going to happen to me. As a Libra, that is hard to handle and to grasp. I can’t stand not knowing what my future holds for me. Who am I going to meet? Am I going to meet the right people? Will he ever come? Will I be alone? Will I just end up settling? Can I get the ideal? Will I find the ideal?
It’s just all so… difficult to process. When one future ends, how do you begin the new one? When what you thought was going to happen doesn’t, then where do you start? How do you know what you truly want? Do you want a warm body regardless of who it is? Do you want the warm body? What if what you thought you wanted isn’t what you want? Or perhaps what you want is something that you can no longer have and so now, you have to change those wants? What if you don’t want to change those wants? Should you change them? What if you change them only to find out that it was the wrong decision?
Coming from a family who was always driven to not make mistakes, I don’t want to make one now, but everywhere I turn, I can see mistakes happening. If I go one way, then my mistake would be to lose something great. If I turn another way, my mistake would be to miss something great. Either way, I can see a loss and I don’t want to make either decision until I know for certain that I can’t make any mistakes.
But this is life and no matter what, there are always going to be mistakes and from that, I have to learn how to be able to work from those, right? But, like I said, I don’t want to make any whatsoever. I want to be able to take from others’ mistakes and apply them to my life so I don’t have to do the same thing. But how do you know which one to learn from?
It’s just all so confusing and as each day goes by, everything seems to get fuzzier.
If everything is fuzzy, then how can I see the beginning?
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