Yes, I’m long overdue for a new post and the delay has been mostly due to my being mildly busy over the last few weeks. Comments will be replied to and returned as soon as I can get to them. I’m neglecting a few things actually. Bad me.
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I’m a big believer on self-determination. What I mean by that, and for the purpose of this post, is that you choose your actions, especially, your attitudes. You’d think that with this mindset, I’d always try to be happy, right? Well, a few weeks ago (and possibly including a day of last week), I was really depressed. However, I did little (except some retail therapy) to help alleviate my mood. In fact, I probably worsened or encouraged my bad mood by listening to sad songs.
For me, I listen to music for two reasons: 1) because I enjoy it and 2) because there are certain songs that can express how I feel in a much more beautiful manner. Due to the latter reason, I ended up listening to songs that didn’t give me motivation or hope, but allowed me to wallow in my despair for just a little longer.
These actions got me to thinking though. I could have chosen to listen to Yellowcard’s “Believe” (not an official video) or something of that manner, but I didn’t. I purposefully chose songs that I knew were sad, that I knew were depressing. I didn’t try to go out and find friends to have a good time with, but instead, stayed inside my apartment and wallowed.
So I wonder, why would someone what to do that? Why would someone like me want to put myself through such an emotional hell? In such a dark space? It doesn’t make sense, does it, but unfortunately, it happens and people do it too often.
This all reminds me of a post I came across that had a video about a paraplegic man who had a really good attitude when everything else in his life was grim. During the clip, he talks about how he could have taken the traditional reaction and made everything seem so bad, but he didn’t. He chose to have a positive attitude and that changed everything for him.
When you’re in a bad mood, do you allow yourself to sulk and stew or do you try to do something more productive and positive? Sure, the latter sounds very ideal, but really, how often do you do it?
Through my sessions with my psychiatrist, we’ve uncovered that I have this knack to punish myself. It’s a disturbing thought in a way and I’m still unsure about how to deal with it. See, what happens is that when I feel that I’ve done something wrong, such as hurt a friend, hurt my parents, I take it out on myself. I feel that because of my wrongdoings, I need to be punished. Sometimes it’s through self-mutilation or just a mental beat down. There was even a serious event that landed me in the hospital.
The thing is, I honestly don’t know how to handle this. The logical thing would be to stop beating myself up, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to overcome this large obstacle that controls everything that I do because this contributes to everything from my low self-esteem to my fears. It’s not going to be an easy journey and I honestly have no idea on what to do.
Sometimes, I think that the reason why I’m so depressed right now about the whole Stockton Boy situation is because I feel that I need to be this hurt, I feel that I need to be suffering this much because I lost someone very important to me in the way that I did not want to lose him. He told me that I could have still had him as a good friend, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more and when he moved on, it crushed me; it still does.
I’m sorry; this isn’t exactly the happiest post around, but that’s what blogs are for, right? If this is too hard for some of you to try and leave a comment on, then feel free to tell me about your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Or comment on both topics; that works too.
Oh, one more thing. Please sign up for the SOTW and SOTM contests! So far, Julie has been the only one to submit applications and as much as I love her, she’s already got the plug on my blogroll and perhaps someone else deserves the chance? Links are in the sidebar.
I was planning to put this in my daily journal, but I figure this was a little more fitting to be placed here. Read (or skim) this post to get a little more background.
A lot of emotional stress has gone on since I last blogged. Because I knew Stockton Boy wouldn’t be coming, I started to get very insecure, very selfish, and just not very much like me, or at least a me that I don’t want to be. I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings for a while now, but it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. All I know is that if I still didn’t have feelings for Stockton Boy, then it would all be so much better. I wouldn’t be as jealous as I am now, I wouldn’t be as insecure, I wouldn’t be as scared, I wouldn’t be wanting to be as selfish as I feel like being now.
I just feel really depressed and down right now. I’m a broken person and yes, there are worse cases, but to me, this is my worst, therefore, I feel at my worst. How do you pick yourself up again after the live you envisioned for yourself, the future you thought you could have, gets ripped out of your hands? How do you pick yourself up again after knowing or feeling that it happened all because of you? It’s not easy and lately, I’ve just been wanting to give up, I’ve been wanting to do nothing because I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know where to start fixing myself. My goal is to not be so upset about her. My goal is to be able to not have these feelings for him, to not want him.
I feel even more depressed because I know that I have so much in my life to be grateful for and all I can think about is how horrible I feel. I feel so inconsiderate and I know that I’m grateful, I’m appreciative, but I just can’t really show it, I can’t feel it right now.
On top of all that, despite knowing that he’s still here with me, I feel alone. See, for me, whenever I get depressed, all I want to do is lay in bed and hold my bear because that’s all I can do. What I mean is this: it’s all I can do because what I really want is to have someone next to me, friend or something more, to just hold me while I cry, while I just sit there and feel the warmth of that person transfer to me (because I get cold easily). That’s what I really want, but I settle for trying to use my bear as support because every time I’m down, no one is here with me. That’s why I feel alone. I know it’s a stupid way to think of it, but that’s all I ever really want when I’m down. I just want someone here with me to do all these crazy things and to just hold me. Most of all, I just want an infinite hug.
I just want to feel better, but not only do I not know where to start, a large part of me feels as if I deserve this sadness, that I deserve to suffer through this alone because I’m such a horrible person. A part of me thinks that because I brought this upon myself, I need to go through it myself. I just don’t know what to do though. Because I can be a modest person and because of the way I grew up, I feel as if I can’t really reach out to people, that I’m not worth somebody else’s time. My two childhood friends would just try to get me drunk, I’ve already called up my white knight, and I feel the other friends can’t offer what I need right now. So I can’t reach out; everybody else seems so far away.
This is stupid, I know it, but I can’t find a way to get up.
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