Posted under: Life, Thoughts

People always say that love and hate are two very strong emotions, but I think fear could be a very close third. If there wasn’t that saying about how you can overcome your fears and whatnot, then I’d say it would be a tie, but since you can defeat fear, I’ll settle for third.

What I mean is this: how many times have you decided to do something absurd or ridiculous all because of fear? Did you stand on top a toilet when there was a mouse in the bathroom? Run quickly away from a large dog only to trip and fall on your face? Kept a secret from someone for fear of losing that person? There are so many things that we do, things that make no sense, yet at the same time, does.

It’s the fear of what can hurt us that really drives us, at least for a while anyway. In a trivial sense, I have a fear of spiders/bugs because they bite and heights because the higher you are, the more it will hurt to fall. On a deeper scale, I fear hurting those I love because that would confirm my already low sense of self-worth. Right now, I also fear heartbreak, again.

It sounds absurd, yes, but it makes sense to me. I mean, considering how I feel now, if by chance, and I do mean if, I fall for someone possibly farther than I am now, how much more would it hurt? I don’t even want to try and imagine how much more it would be because I’m too afraid. If I’m this affected, this empty, this stick-in-bad-feelings-here for something that I can’t even label as “love,” then what if I get my heartbroken by someone I love? How much worse can it feel?

So, it’s not so crazy, is it? All I want is to be alone for a very long time. I can’t say forever because I don’t know what forever’s going to look like, but I can at least say that for the next few years maybe, I don’t really want to get involved with anyone anymore. I don’t want to get attached because if I get attached, I will only get hurt when that person leaves, so it would be easier to not be attached. If by chance I notice that I am, then I will find a way to stop it. I just don’t need the stress, I don’t need the pain and I don’t need nor want to deal with my broken heart again.

Is that so much to ask for?

Tags: fear, heartbreak, heartbroken, Life, love

Posted under: Relationships

Is it a tragedy to say that you wish you had never been with or met a particular person? Is it sad to say that you almost wish you had never allowed for things to happen the way they did happen with this person?

Unfortunately, I have come to realization that I need to say that.

This person and I had a relationship and during that relationship, I let a lot of things slide. I completely lowered my standards and thought that if I loved him enough, I could look past it. Looking back now, I see that it was a foolish decision to make and I would have been better off without him.

What brought this on was the fact that I could not pull one life-long lesson out of this relationship besides Don’t lower your standards again. In my few relationships, I have been able to apply some lesson to my better being, but with this, I am saddened to say that I regret it.

So here’s my question(s) for you: How do you prevent yourself from ever doing that again? For me, during that time, I had no problem with all of the things that disgust me now. So, how do you know? How do you determine the difference between what is socially acceptable and your personal feelings for something taboo? Looking back, I realize that I’m ashamed and quite disgusted with myself. How do you know? What if at the time, you just don’t care about it? Is love that blinding? Or is it not love, but some manifestation that you’ve created to justify what you’ve done and put yourself through? If you can easily fall out of love, then is it really love? Is it that one true love? For a person who says it more often than she should, how do you know if it’s the one that deserves to hear such precious words?

Tags: abuse, boyfriend, fear, future, past, rape, reality, relationship