I was talking to my friend last night and I had told her that I wasn’t going to start a romantic relationship with anyone until I could be ready to love again. I said that it would be unfair to the other person if I was incapable of putting all of myself into the relationship if I was still badly hurt or broken.
So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.
From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.
And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.
Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)
Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?
What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?
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I got tagged by Joana and Julie for this one. You’re supposed to copy the entire list of months, but I don’t want the clutter, so I’ll just lead you to a post that has all the other months you’ll need.
Guidelines:
- Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
- Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
- Pick your month of birth (see below).
- Highlight the traits that apply to you.
- Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
- Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!
As for tagging, well, how about I tag the first twelve people (who haven’t done this yet) that comment on this blog? I would choose people, but most of them have already been tagged.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
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People always say that love and hate are two very strong emotions, but I think fear could be a very close third. If there wasn’t that saying about how you can overcome your fears and whatnot, then I’d say it would be a tie, but since you can defeat fear, I’ll settle for third.
What I mean is this: how many times have you decided to do something absurd or ridiculous all because of fear? Did you stand on top a toilet when there was a mouse in the bathroom? Run quickly away from a large dog only to trip and fall on your face? Kept a secret from someone for fear of losing that person? There are so many things that we do, things that make no sense, yet at the same time, does.
It’s the fear of what can hurt us that really drives us, at least for a while anyway. In a trivial sense, I have a fear of spiders/bugs because they bite and heights because the higher you are, the more it will hurt to fall. On a deeper scale, I fear hurting those I love because that would confirm my already low sense of self-worth. Right now, I also fear heartbreak, again.
It sounds absurd, yes, but it makes sense to me. I mean, considering how I feel now, if by chance, and I do mean if, I fall for someone possibly farther than I am now, how much more would it hurt? I don’t even want to try and imagine how much more it would be because I’m too afraid. If I’m this affected, this empty, this stick-in-bad-feelings-here for something that I can’t even label as “love,” then what if I get my heartbroken by someone I love? How much worse can it feel?
So, it’s not so crazy, is it? All I want is to be alone for a very long time. I can’t say forever because I don’t know what forever’s going to look like, but I can at least say that for the next few years maybe, I don’t really want to get involved with anyone anymore. I don’t want to get attached because if I get attached, I will only get hurt when that person leaves, so it would be easier to not be attached. If by chance I notice that I am, then I will find a way to stop it. I just don’t need the stress, I don’t need the pain and I don’t need nor want to deal with my broken heart again.
Is that so much to ask for?
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