Tomorrow morning is my first appointment with a psychologist. I don’t know what to expect really. I can’t expect everything to start getting better at the first visit, I can’t expect to get fixed so soon. All I can do is hope that she knows what to do to help me, that’s all I can ask for anyway, right? I’m just glad that of my entire list, I had only two accept me. The ones I was able to reach either had no room for new patients, or had no room for new insured patients. I would go on a tiny rant about that, but I’d rather not.
I’m just grateful that someone has decided to help me.
Because I know that I truly need it.
It’s odd though because I’m one of those people, the ones that if I were to go (’go’ as in ‘die’), no one would really see it coming. I’d be one of those people because I would rather not burden people. I’d rather not have them worry about me when, in most cases, that’s all they would be able to do: worry. I would much rather have them remember me happy than sad.
But I suppose I can’t leave. As much as I feel how much others’ lives would be easier without me, I can’t leave. Partly because I’m a chicken and partly because… well, just because.
How did I ever get here? How did this whole thing, become me? I wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to be the cheery one, the happy one, but… now I’m not. How did I get to this point?
I guess that’s step one, kind of? Well, not according to Stockton Boy, but I suppose this is my step one.
I have a problem.
[ edit @ 6:00pm ] And it just got worse.
I was planning to put this in my daily journal, but I figure this was a little more fitting to be placed here. Read (or skim) this post to get a little more background.
A lot of emotional stress has gone on since I last blogged. Because I knew Stockton Boy wouldn’t be coming, I started to get very insecure, very selfish, and just not very much like me, or at least a me that I don’t want to be. I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings for a while now, but it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. All I know is that if I still didn’t have feelings for Stockton Boy, then it would all be so much better. I wouldn’t be as jealous as I am now, I wouldn’t be as insecure, I wouldn’t be as scared, I wouldn’t be wanting to be as selfish as I feel like being now.
I just feel really depressed and down right now. I’m a broken person and yes, there are worse cases, but to me, this is my worst, therefore, I feel at my worst. How do you pick yourself up again after the live you envisioned for yourself, the future you thought you could have, gets ripped out of your hands? How do you pick yourself up again after knowing or feeling that it happened all because of you? It’s not easy and lately, I’ve just been wanting to give up, I’ve been wanting to do nothing because I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know where to start fixing myself. My goal is to not be so upset about her. My goal is to be able to not have these feelings for him, to not want him.
I feel even more depressed because I know that I have so much in my life to be grateful for and all I can think about is how horrible I feel. I feel so inconsiderate and I know that I’m grateful, I’m appreciative, but I just can’t really show it, I can’t feel it right now.
On top of all that, despite knowing that he’s still here with me, I feel alone. See, for me, whenever I get depressed, all I want to do is lay in bed and hold my bear because that’s all I can do. What I mean is this: it’s all I can do because what I really want is to have someone next to me, friend or something more, to just hold me while I cry, while I just sit there and feel the warmth of that person transfer to me (because I get cold easily). That’s what I really want, but I settle for trying to use my bear as support because every time I’m down, no one is here with me. That’s why I feel alone. I know it’s a stupid way to think of it, but that’s all I ever really want when I’m down. I just want someone here with me to do all these crazy things and to just hold me. Most of all, I just want an infinite hug.
I just want to feel better, but not only do I not know where to start, a large part of me feels as if I deserve this sadness, that I deserve to suffer through this alone because I’m such a horrible person. A part of me thinks that because I brought this upon myself, I need to go through it myself. I just don’t know what to do though. Because I can be a modest person and because of the way I grew up, I feel as if I can’t really reach out to people, that I’m not worth somebody else’s time. My two childhood friends would just try to get me drunk, I’ve already called up my white knight, and I feel the other friends can’t offer what I need right now. So I can’t reach out; everybody else seems so far away.
This is stupid, I know it, but I can’t find a way to get up.
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