Posts Tagged ‘Life’
As some of you may (or may not) know, I recently picked up a rather nasty habit (or at least nasty to me): I started smoking. This began a few months ago and I tried to keep it under wraps for a while. In the beginning, I would only do it in my own company, never around anybody else. Then I started doing it as I was just out on the streets (and yes, I tried my best to be considerate to those who were walking around me). I never really let anybody in on the frequency of my nasty habit; I just mentioned it if it was either brought up or worth mentioning. I had briefly mentioned it before to my doctor, but I don’t think I let him in on where I had my first cigarette.
Yes, this may be a bit shocking, but I had my first cigarette right next to Stockton Boy’s apartment building. No, he did not see me and I think a part of me wanted him to. When I brought this up again with my doctor on Friday, he mentioned that perhaps I was doing it because of him.
Here’s an example (unrelated to this): Your dad tells you to not jump on the bed but you do it anyway either to spite him or to defy him. Well, for me, I doubt that I was spiting anyone; it was more of a defiance. Stockton Boy hates alcohol and smoking, so what do I do? I pick them both up. Well, the alcohol had already been a social thing for me, so it wasn’t as if I was making a big life change, but the smoking? Now that was big.
So after I went through all of my studying, I finally got a chance to breathe and I thought about the whole topic some more. I realized that although he has a much less involvement in my life now than he did a few months ago, Stockton Boy still has a control over my life and I hate that. I hate that I may have started smoking in order to do what he did not want me to do and I hate that even six months later, I’m still a wreck. But at least I was able to make a decision during this thinking process of mine: I’m quitting.
During these last two months, I kept wondering why I was smoking when I knew how detrimental it was to my health and I knew how badly it smelled to most people. Now I know and now I can finally tell myself that it’s a stupid reason to have done it in the first place. But hey, sometimes you need to make mistakes in order to grow as a person, right?
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate all of the love and support so many of you have shown me. Yes, I am still planning on returning and replying to all comments as well as catching up on my RSS feeds. Though, if I could just ask for one thing: Don’t leave ‘It’s good you’ve quit.’ comments unless you plan to expand. I know, it’s a bit picky, but I feel as if I’m standing here sharing my secrets that even my sister doesn’t know (until she reads this) and this is a post that deserves much more than that.
Good night folks.
So, I missed a day of blogging. Goodness. I was quite tired though. Do you know when I went to bed last night? At 9:45 pm. Yes, that is quite amazing considering the fact that I haven’t done that in ages. Well, when I lied down, I was under the impression that I would only be napping for about two hours. Then I’d get up and get some work done. However, that didn’t happen quite like I planned. Sure, I woke up, but it was only to turn off my alarms to go back to sleep.
Work has got me pretty tired, but it’s okay. I’m making the money. However, I keep spending it when I buy clothes at the store. I can’t help it! They’ve got good styles and such cute underwear! I’m horrible at saving, I know, I know.
And now something’s wrong with Stockton Boy and we don’t know what’s going on. He went into the emergency room today in order to get it checked out but since they couldn’t figure it out, they said to come back in two days if the problem persists and well, he’d better go back.
Speaking of the devil… I’m still waiting for the day when I can finally be free from the pain in my heart. I know, that sounds so stereotypically “emo,” but how else am I going to express my feelings? I’m not poetic enough nor am I well versed in the English vocabulary to make it sound elegant and sophisticated. Yes, it aches to know that he’s not mine. It aches to know that he still wants her. It aches to know that all I can be is his friend. It aches, aches, and aches some more. Some think that I should stay away from him, but I can’t. There’s just something that keeps drawing me back in and I just… I care a whole lot about him, I do. I just wish that he could want me in the way that he used to, but I can’t wish for that anymore.
I should get to starting my homework. There are three weekly assignments that I need to complete by Saturday including the fact that I still have to study for that exam. On top of that, I have a project that I have to deliver by Saturday as well.
I can’t wait until Saturday is over.
Yes, I’ve kind of run out of things to say and I will defend myself in saying that it’s mostly due to my involvement in Entrecard, school, and RN. Okay, not so much RN (a friend who lives downstairs), but still. Well, my excuse for the last two days is that I had work. I’ve been on my feet for hours and I’m just tired by the end of it. I’ll get used to it soon within the next few days, but it will take a while.
Do I have some striking thought at the moment? Not really. I’m just tired and I want to take a bath, except I’ve yet to clean the tub, so no bath until that’s done, which probably won’t be at the earliest, this weekend.
This is pretty random, I know, but since I’m doing the whole Blog365 thing, I have to blog about something, right?
I’m going to hate these filler posts. I feel as if I’m not really publishing my best thoughts out there you know? Okay, well, my best thoughts are the ones that end up on the front page, but this isn’t even half of a “best” thought. It’s a lame attempt to make the midnight deadline that is soon approaching.
Okay, tomorrow. I will post something a little more interesting. I promise. Scout’s Honor… not that I’m a Scout or anything… but you get the idea.
You know, when the old men made that declaration up, they must have tried to make that phrase as simple as possible knowing that in reality, it’s not that simple.
Everyone is entitled to a life, right? But nowadays, does that include fetuses too? How about the old that would rather sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) form when admitted to the hospital? How about children of poverty, children of third world countries, children of diseases? Does the phrase apply only to Americans? Does the phrase apply only to those who “deserve” it?
What about liberty? To have liberty is basically to have freedom and again, that comes with so many strings attached. What are our freedoms? Even The Bill of Rights has its limits which for the most part, aren’t really as free as you may think they are. I don’t even want to go into the details of The Bill of Rights right now either, but you get the point. Our liberties aren’t really as free as we thought they were.
Lastly, there’s that pursuit of happiness. That stupid pursuit has so much crap in the way, with many obstacles stemming from the life and liberty issues. What does it really mean to be on that pursuit? Is it trying to say that because we are human, we are insatiable and will never be happy? Or is it saying that we may have the right to a pursuit, but whether or not we can even reach a reasonable goal in that pursuit is questionable.
I don’t really know if it all makes sense, but I’m just sitting here thinking that these three things are supposed to be our rights, our inalienable rights, yet they don’t really seem too much like the, do they? Or maybe it’s just me.
People always say that love and hate are two very strong emotions, but I think fear could be a very close third. If there wasn’t that saying about how you can overcome your fears and whatnot, then I’d say it would be a tie, but since you can defeat fear, I’ll settle for third.
What I mean is this: how many times have you decided to do something absurd or ridiculous all because of fear? Did you stand on top a toilet when there was a mouse in the bathroom? Run quickly away from a large dog only to trip and fall on your face? Kept a secret from someone for fear of losing that person? There are so many things that we do, things that make no sense, yet at the same time, does.
It’s the fear of what can hurt us that really drives us, at least for a while anyway. In a trivial sense, I have a fear of spiders/bugs because they bite and heights because the higher you are, the more it will hurt to fall. On a deeper scale, I fear hurting those I love because that would confirm my already low sense of self-worth. Right now, I also fear heartbreak, again.
It sounds absurd, yes, but it makes sense to me. I mean, considering how I feel now, if by chance, and I do mean if, I fall for someone possibly farther than I am now, how much more would it hurt? I don’t even want to try and imagine how much more it would be because I’m too afraid. If I’m this affected, this empty, this stick-in-bad-feelings-here for something that I can’t even label as “love,” then what if I get my heartbroken by someone I love? How much worse can it feel?
So, it’s not so crazy, is it? All I want is to be alone for a very long time. I can’t say forever because I don’t know what forever’s going to look like, but I can at least say that for the next few years maybe, I don’t really want to get involved with anyone anymore. I don’t want to get attached because if I get attached, I will only get hurt when that person leaves, so it would be easier to not be attached. If by chance I notice that I am, then I will find a way to stop it. I just don’t need the stress, I don’t need the pain and I don’t need nor want to deal with my broken heart again.
Is that so much to ask for?
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