Posts Tagged ‘Life’
People always say that love and hate are two very strong emotions, but I think fear could be a very close third. If there wasn’t that saying about how you can overcome your fears and whatnot, then I’d say it would be a tie, but since you can defeat fear, I’ll settle for third.
What I mean is this: how many times have you decided to do something absurd or ridiculous all because of fear? Did you stand on top a toilet when there was a mouse in the bathroom? Run quickly away from a large dog only to trip and fall on your face? Kept a secret from someone for fear of losing that person? There are so many things that we do, things that make no sense, yet at the same time, does.
It’s the fear of what can hurt us that really drives us, at least for a while anyway. In a trivial sense, I have a fear of spiders/bugs because they bite and heights because the higher you are, the more it will hurt to fall. On a deeper scale, I fear hurting those I love because that would confirm my already low sense of self-worth. Right now, I also fear heartbreak, again.
It sounds absurd, yes, but it makes sense to me. I mean, considering how I feel now, if by chance, and I do mean if, I fall for someone possibly farther than I am now, how much more would it hurt? I don’t even want to try and imagine how much more it would be because I’m too afraid. If I’m this affected, this empty, this stick-in-bad-feelings-here for something that I can’t even label as “love,” then what if I get my heartbroken by someone I love? How much worse can it feel?
So, it’s not so crazy, is it? All I want is to be alone for a very long time. I can’t say forever because I don’t know what forever’s going to look like, but I can at least say that for the next few years maybe, I don’t really want to get involved with anyone anymore. I don’t want to get attached because if I get attached, I will only get hurt when that person leaves, so it would be easier to not be attached. If by chance I notice that I am, then I will find a way to stop it. I just don’t need the stress, I don’t need the pain and I don’t need nor want to deal with my broken heart again.
Is that so much to ask for?
I feel as if I have this incredible weight inside right now and I can’t quite put it into words. Actually, I don’t even know what it is really. I just know that there’s something… there. I want to let it out, or at least find a way to let it out, but I can’t find a way to let it out until I know what it is I want to let out.
Does any of that make sense?
I don’t know what I’m babbling about really. I’m just… not really sure about some things right now I suppose and it’s taking its toll on me. I know that I posed a lot of questions in the previous post, but now the questions aren’t so loud in my head. That doesn’t mean there aren’t other questions, but the whole worrying about the future thing isn’t as large and looming as it was a while ago.
What I want to do most is sleep. Perhaps I’m using sleep as an escape, but I want to sleep to make the time go by faster. Except there is this damned thing called responsibility.
In other news… more like site news (that should be properly placed in the aside, but I’m lazy tonight). If you want to find out what happened to Boscardin over the weekend, I explain it for a bit here in the first paragraph. I also want to give Boscardin a revamp, but right now, I’ve not the time, which makes me a little sad. It’s okay. I’ll live.
I always do, despite how depressed I can get, I always live. And this weekend, I got an email that really cheered me up. Not to mention getting to hang out with a really cool buddy on a really awesome couch.
Posted under: Life
Sometimes, like now, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I have to look forward to, I don’t know what is going to happen to me. As a Libra, that is hard to handle and to grasp. I can’t stand not knowing what my future holds for me. Who am I going to meet? Am I going to meet the right people? Will he ever come? Will I be alone? Will I just end up settling? Can I get the ideal? Will I find the ideal?
It’s just all so… difficult to process. When one future ends, how do you begin the new one? When what you thought was going to happen doesn’t, then where do you start? How do you know what you truly want? Do you want a warm body regardless of who it is? Do you want the warm body? What if what you thought you wanted isn’t what you want? Or perhaps what you want is something that you can no longer have and so now, you have to change those wants? What if you don’t want to change those wants? Should you change them? What if you change them only to find out that it was the wrong decision?
Coming from a family who was always driven to not make mistakes, I don’t want to make one now, but everywhere I turn, I can see mistakes happening. If I go one way, then my mistake would be to lose something great. If I turn another way, my mistake would be to miss something great. Either way, I can see a loss and I don’t want to make either decision until I know for certain that I can’t make any mistakes.
But this is life and no matter what, there are always going to be mistakes and from that, I have to learn how to be able to work from those, right? But, like I said, I don’t want to make any whatsoever. I want to be able to take from others’ mistakes and apply them to my life so I don’t have to do the same thing. But how do you know which one to learn from?
It’s just all so confusing and as each day goes by, everything seems to get fuzzier.
If everything is fuzzy, then how can I see the beginning?
(Does not exist - for you math nerds)
So I’ve been reading Freakonomics as a class textbook (one of two, don’t worry) for a while and it got me really thinking about the things that people do.
It basically all summed down to the point where people do what they do because of the incentive. People lie because of many reasons, but it’s mostly for some sort of good result (though there are cases that would refute this statement of mine). People lie because they don’t want to hurt anybody, they lie because what they are doing will hurt somebody, they lie because they don’t have the heart to tell the person what is really going on.
I remember as a child, I would try and disobey my father by being sneaky. Well, he was sneaky too because he would always find out, but he would wait for the right time to catch me in the act instead of confront me. I always remembered that although what I was doing was a bad thing (or something that he didn’t want me to do), he was more disappointed at the fact that I had to lie. That was my father, always ashamed that I had to resort to such things.
What I remember most about what I’ve read so far is how far people go for incentives. Teachers have been known to cheat, sumo wrestlers included. Real Estate agents have been known to use their expertise to their advantage, withholding information that might be valuable to a potential buyer or purposely creating manipulative ads.
People do so much to lie, but is it really worth it in the end? Now, I’m not saying that there’s someone out there that doesn’t lie and I have been known to do my fair share of distorting or bending the truth, but there are just some things that a person should not withhold from another, you know? But how can you judge or measure the severity of a lie? Does it depend on how upset it makes you feel? Does it depend on the act that was covered up? Or is it just the lie in general that is awfully damaging?
Either way, I think that although it may hurt the person to tell the truth, it’s better to say it upfront and from you than for the person to find out from another person or through another means. It always hurts more when the person or people you care about are lying to you.
I saw it coming towards me. The light, that is. It came closer and closer and I knew… I just knew that this was the end.
But it wasn’t the first hit that did it; the second one took me out.
And I was floating, but it was a frantic kind of a float. I was looking for someone, for people actually. I was looking for comfort, for reassurance and those could only come from my family. I was looking for the unconditional love they have always given me, the one thing I never thought would falter.
But those short moments were so surreal; I wish that I had never woken up.
Because that was the closest I’ll ever feel to being dead.
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