Posted under: Life
Sometimes, like now, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I have to look forward to, I don’t know what is going to happen to me. As a Libra, that is hard to handle and to grasp. I can’t stand not knowing what my future holds for me. Who am I going to meet? Am I going to meet the right people? Will he ever come? Will I be alone? Will I just end up settling? Can I get the ideal? Will I find the ideal?
It’s just all so… difficult to process. When one future ends, how do you begin the new one? When what you thought was going to happen doesn’t, then where do you start? How do you know what you truly want? Do you want a warm body regardless of who it is? Do you want the warm body? What if what you thought you wanted isn’t what you want? Or perhaps what you want is something that you can no longer have and so now, you have to change those wants? What if you don’t want to change those wants? Should you change them? What if you change them only to find out that it was the wrong decision?
Coming from a family who was always driven to not make mistakes, I don’t want to make one now, but everywhere I turn, I can see mistakes happening. If I go one way, then my mistake would be to lose something great. If I turn another way, my mistake would be to miss something great. Either way, I can see a loss and I don’t want to make either decision until I know for certain that I can’t make any mistakes.
But this is life and no matter what, there are always going to be mistakes and from that, I have to learn how to be able to work from those, right? But, like I said, I don’t want to make any whatsoever. I want to be able to take from others’ mistakes and apply them to my life so I don’t have to do the same thing. But how do you know which one to learn from?
It’s just all so confusing and as each day goes by, everything seems to get fuzzier.
If everything is fuzzy, then how can I see the beginning?
Quick site updates: Boscardin’s first anniversary is coming soon and for that, I’m doing a major site revamp including a new layout. Right now, the site runs on both Wordpress and manual pages (as I like to call them). The revamp will make this site run mostly by Wordpress, so I’m in the process of converting everything. I did a cleanup of those hosted here and I’ve kept about five active and added two new ones. Anyway, stick around the next couple of weeks to see the new site!
(Back to the good stuff now…)
Recently, I had a friend contact me just to say hello, to see how I was doing, and to apologize for having left me hanging. I wrote a “last letter” type of thing a while back on this post.
Anyway, when she first sent me that IM, I was hesitant. I didn’t know how I should reply: Should I be cold and unresponsive, or should I try and be relatively friendly? Well, I chose the latter and made small talk with her. It wasn’t as much as I would have said if I didn’t hold so much animosity, but it was more than a cold shoulder.
So this got me thinking then about relationships and friendships in general. There comes a time in your life when you realize that the person you thought was going to be there, isn’t there anymore or that person just happened to have taken a blade, sliced your bloody heart out and hung it to dry. For many, that can create feelings of hate, betrayal, distrust, and much more.
My question then is whether or not you should ever accept this person back into your life again. Yes, people can change for the better, but does it help lessen the hurt and pain you went through? You can get over it and move on, but the relationship will never be the same as it once had been. It will never hold its full glory and shine like the best jewels. But will you accept this person who has caused so much pain in your life, heart, and soul back?
Sure, many will say to give this person another chance, but what if you already had? Maybe the better question is whether or not you want this person back into your life? What if you’re indifferent about this person now? Then, does it make a difference? Should you continue to be amiable to this person when s/he initiates contact?
How long do you hold that grudge? How long do you choose to remember the pain?
What if that person is no longer holding the knife, but you are?
(Despair people need not comment on this edit)
Edit: I’m letting you go. There’s no sense in hoping that you’ll reach out and you’ll try because it seems obvious that you’ve given up. I gave you the chance to do something and you did nothing. Absolutely nothing. At the end of the day, I’m just tired. I don’t need to be upset over this because lately, that’s all you seem to be doing. I stuck by you through a lot and always did my best to be a good friend. If my intentions and actions were ever unclear, then I’m sorry that you misinterpreted them.
I’m at the point now where I don’t care anymore. You could be snorting heroin and I still wouldn’t care. You could be a prostitute and I wouldn’t care. I’m done caring. You’ve claimed that I’ve hurt you, but nothing compares to the pain that you have caused me in the last two years. Nothing compares to finding out that the one person you once thought would be there through thick and thin would ever say that she didn’t care if the friendship died. So I guess it’s my turn now to say the same words.
What’s done is done. What has happened is too late to fix. Blame whoever you want, but just know that in the end, you could have done something. You could have tried harder, but you didn’t. Instead you found fault in me instead of confront me. Just know and remember that I did all I could to make you happy, to ensure that you were relatively happy, even through all of your complaining and unappreciative actions. Remember that I tried to keep this alive but you allowed for it to slip.
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Here’s some food for thought when you’re down and out:
Rainy days and sunny days are all part of what makes the week, right? But what if you have just a horrible week in which it rains throughout the days? Think of it this way: all of that water will help with the springtime growth and soon the beautiful flowers and trees will grow.
Recently, I realized that even the worst of all days can lead to something good. Even if it’s the most excruciating pain that you have to go through, it could always lead to something you’re so grateful to have. For example, let’s say you break a leg and get sent to the hospital. While you’re there, you happen to have an awesome roommate that changes your life for the better. However, had you not broken your leg, you would not have had the chance to befriend this wonderful person.
Or let’s say you wanted to join the Marines and for whatever reason, you needed to be discharged. Despite the fact that you really wanted to go through with all of the training and be able to take care of your loved ones, you had to leave. However, months later, you meet this incredible person that makes you feel (good) things that you never thought you were lucky enough to feel and now that you’ve met this person, you don’t want to let go. But, had you not been discharged from the Marines, you would not have come across this amazing (and possibly beautiful) person.
What I’m trying to say that everything happens for a reason, everything plays its own part to how you will go through your life. Good or bad factors, they make up your world. One good deed could lead to another good result or a bad one, but that bad one could later lead to something good.
So when you’re having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad month, try to remember that one day, these horrible events could lead to something incredible.
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