I know, I said that I would come back better than ever with a new layout, but things have gotten a little time consuming lately. In a nutshell, I worked my ass off for the clothing store from hell, got fired before I could quit, then started a new job as a cashier at a market/deli. On top of that, I was trying to get schoolwork done and started putting in a few more social events. I’ll write a recap post on that later.
Lately, I’ve noticed how much I’ve been thinking about the past. Sure, I do that all the time, but as of late, it’s had a different feeling… it’s more of the remembering the good days, or remembering the good people.
Not necessarily through death, but I’ve lost a lot of good relationships with people and I absolutely hate that, I do. It’s hard for me when it happens, but I just have to try and pick myself up, and move on.
Except at least right now, it feels exceptionally hard.
In the last four years, I’ve lost a lot of people. There was a good friend (DT) who won’t speak to me now due one mistake I foolishly made, my senior year boyfriend (MN), my childhood best friend (VN) I had known ever since kindergarten, my breaststroke swimming partner (AL), and many others. Sure it’s all a fact of life; people grow up and they grow into different groups and lives, but even the most different of people can keep friendships, right?
Of course, to seal the deal to all this reminiscing, Stockton Boy and I had a major blowout a few days ago. I could see that what happened with VN was happening with Stockton Boy; he was getting too busy for me despite having told me it could never happen. But it did and I ended up getting extremely upset. My stress was fueled even more when he couldn’t understand how hurt and upset I was because his guards had gone flying up.
Although I know that he wasn’t on anyone’s good side anymore, I still wanted to be his friend. I needed to be his friend because he was the closest thing I had to being able to lean on someone without feeling as if I was imposing on someone’s schoolwork and time. Then, in the last month, he wasn’t there and I just… I couldn’t handle it; I can’t handle it.
What does all this have to do with the past? A lot of people get upset when they think back on how things used to be. If I didn’t, maybe I wouldn’t have blown up like I did at Stockton Boy. I wouldn’t have thought on the days when we used to call each other (as friends) just to say goodnight for fifteen seconds. I wouldn’t have thought back on the time I was walking through my school hallways after being dumped and seeing DT right there with his arms open wide for me. I wouldn’t think back on the times MN and I used to be on the phone for hours teasing each other about useless crap. I wouldn’t remember all of the three-hour long conversations (and possibly longer) with VN and how close we were as friends despite how far apart we lived. If I didn’t think back on any of those, I wouldn’t feel as shitty as I do now. Most people wouldn’t feel so shitty if they didn’t do what I do. Except, it’s hard.
I had a feeling that a ex-boyfriend, MM, I recently got reacquainted with may have a crush on me again and last night, it was confirmed. He was doing what I did; he was thinking back to how good things were when we dated, however short it was. I know that in some cases, and for now only the ones that I’ve seen in movies, some people can date, fall out, get reacquainted and then date again to have an even better relationship. Except, this isn’t one of those movie moments and only when I got the confirmation did I realize how dangerous it is to remember the good ol’ days.
It’s ironic that so many good memories can be so bittersweet, but it happens.
So what now? How do you try and change your focus? It will always be the good ol’ days, but how can you make it have a good feeling as opposed to a longing feeling? Maybe it’s just slowly trying to come to terms with it, but as you can see in my case, I never came to terms with any of my lost friendships, my lost relationships.
I was reading a book, The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo, and through that, I could see how easy it was for the protagonist to just let go of the past. Through his journey, he didn’t dwell on the fact that he couldn’t see the merchant’s daughter one more time, and used his good memories on his shepherding days to get what he needed out of his journey. (I highly recommend this book to everyone, by the way) There is this word in Arabic, maktub, that is loosely translated to: It is written. This book is a good example of that because it implies that if things were meant to be, if things were meant to happen, then it will be because it was written by God.
I do believe in that word; that there’s fate, destiny, and a God who doesn’t necessarily control, but puts certain events and people in your lives for a reason. In the end, if it was meant to happen and meant to be, it will be. If I was meant to continue to have good relationships with those people, I would and if I don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.
Anyway, that’s a whole other topic that I can write on, but the main point from the last two paragraphs is just the other way of thinking I suppose. Maybe it’s not supposed to be easy or be less painful; maybe it’s just supposed to be.
—————————————————
Hopefully one day soon, I will get that new damned layout up. I have the picture I’m going to use; I just need to find the time to code everything and make sure all the plugins I want to use will work. I apologize for the rather long hiatus and for those who came back to visit only to see that the new posts were advertisements (hey, I need all the income I can get at this point). I’ll write a page explaining my stance on that soon.
I got tagged by Joana and Julie for this one. You’re supposed to copy the entire list of months, but I don’t want the clutter, so I’ll just lead you to a post that has all the other months you’ll need.
Guidelines:
- Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
- Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
- Pick your month of birth (see below).
- Highlight the traits that apply to you.
- Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
- Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!
As for tagging, well, how about I tag the first twelve people (who haven’t done this yet) that comment on this blog? I would choose people, but most of them have already been tagged.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
(more…)
Posted under: Life
I was looking through my referral links and someone had searched for “lifes simplest pleasures” which led the person to this post. Reading through it again made me realize that life isn’t all that bad. Sometimes, you just need to try and focus on what the good things are. It may be hard, but it’s worth a shot to do.
A lot of those simple pleasures I listed are still, well, a simple pleasure. I’m not sure if I’m able to think of new ones though, but I’ll give it a shot:
1. Walking in the rain.
2. Being able to sit in a spot surrounded by nature, or as close as you can get.
3. Walking to the bus stop just as it arrives.
4. Seeing a cute little kitty be… cute.
5. Putting a song on repeat for days because you like it so much.
6. Having someone do something nice for you, even it’s a small token.
That’s it for now though. As I continued rereading the post I had written over a year ago, I realized that I had given myself my own pep talk.
The best advice I can offer is that life is always going to screw up “the plan” somehow and we just need to learn to deal with that. The best thing to do is to find the support of your loved ones because they care about you, no matter how absurd or ridiculous you think your situation is. Even if you don’t know how to fix it, just talk. One, it strengthens your relationship with your listening friend and two, it helps you get your troubles off your chest, even just for a bit.
A good friend of mine once said, “You never know who’s going to be your friend. You just gotta have faith in them to be there for you.”
Isn’t it funny? I mean, here I am, feeling proud that I can offer so much advice and when I’m in my own ordeal, I can’t think of anything. Yet, here I am, a year early in giving my own self advice.
High five to me for such great advice.
P.S. Happy Saint Day to me! (Today is Saint Maria Bertilla Boscardin’s day)
Quick site updates: Boscardin’s first anniversary is coming soon and for that, I’m doing a major site revamp including a new layout. Right now, the site runs on both Wordpress and manual pages (as I like to call them). The revamp will make this site run mostly by Wordpress, so I’m in the process of converting everything. I did a cleanup of those hosted here and I’ve kept about five active and added two new ones. Anyway, stick around the next couple of weeks to see the new site!
(Back to the good stuff now…)
Recently, I had a friend contact me just to say hello, to see how I was doing, and to apologize for having left me hanging. I wrote a “last letter” type of thing a while back on this post.
Anyway, when she first sent me that IM, I was hesitant. I didn’t know how I should reply: Should I be cold and unresponsive, or should I try and be relatively friendly? Well, I chose the latter and made small talk with her. It wasn’t as much as I would have said if I didn’t hold so much animosity, but it was more than a cold shoulder.
So this got me thinking then about relationships and friendships in general. There comes a time in your life when you realize that the person you thought was going to be there, isn’t there anymore or that person just happened to have taken a blade, sliced your bloody heart out and hung it to dry. For many, that can create feelings of hate, betrayal, distrust, and much more.
My question then is whether or not you should ever accept this person back into your life again. Yes, people can change for the better, but does it help lessen the hurt and pain you went through? You can get over it and move on, but the relationship will never be the same as it once had been. It will never hold its full glory and shine like the best jewels. But will you accept this person who has caused so much pain in your life, heart, and soul back?
Sure, many will say to give this person another chance, but what if you already had? Maybe the better question is whether or not you want this person back into your life? What if you’re indifferent about this person now? Then, does it make a difference? Should you continue to be amiable to this person when s/he initiates contact?
How long do you hold that grudge? How long do you choose to remember the pain?
What if that person is no longer holding the knife, but you are?
Is it a tragedy to say that you wish you had never been with or met a particular person? Is it sad to say that you almost wish you had never allowed for things to happen the way they did happen with this person?
Unfortunately, I have come to realization that I need to say that.
This person and I had a relationship and during that relationship, I let a lot of things slide. I completely lowered my standards and thought that if I loved him enough, I could look past it. Looking back now, I see that it was a foolish decision to make and I would have been better off without him.
What brought this on was the fact that I could not pull one life-long lesson out of this relationship besides Don’t lower your standards again. In my few relationships, I have been able to apply some lesson to my better being, but with this, I am saddened to say that I regret it.
So here’s my question(s) for you: How do you prevent yourself from ever doing that again? For me, during that time, I had no problem with all of the things that disgust me now. So, how do you know? How do you determine the difference between what is socially acceptable and your personal feelings for something taboo? Looking back, I realize that I’m ashamed and quite disgusted with myself. How do you know? What if at the time, you just don’t care about it? Is love that blinding? Or is it not love, but some manifestation that you’ve created to justify what you’ve done and put yourself through? If you can easily fall out of love, then is it really love? Is it that one true love? For a person who says it more often than she should, how do you know if it’s the one that deserves to hear such precious words?
RSS Feed