Posts Tagged ‘relationship’
I was planning to put this in my daily journal, but I figure this was a little more fitting to be placed here. Read (or skim) this post to get a little more background.
A lot of emotional stress has gone on since I last blogged. Because I knew Stockton Boy wouldn’t be coming, I started to get very insecure, very selfish, and just not very much like me, or at least a me that I don’t want to be. I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings for a while now, but it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. All I know is that if I still didn’t have feelings for Stockton Boy, then it would all be so much better. I wouldn’t be as jealous as I am now, I wouldn’t be as insecure, I wouldn’t be as scared, I wouldn’t be wanting to be as selfish as I feel like being now.
I just feel really depressed and down right now. I’m a broken person and yes, there are worse cases, but to me, this is my worst, therefore, I feel at my worst. How do you pick yourself up again after the live you envisioned for yourself, the future you thought you could have, gets ripped out of your hands? How do you pick yourself up again after knowing or feeling that it happened all because of you? It’s not easy and lately, I’ve just been wanting to give up, I’ve been wanting to do nothing because I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know where to start fixing myself. My goal is to not be so upset about her. My goal is to be able to not have these feelings for him, to not want him.
I feel even more depressed because I know that I have so much in my life to be grateful for and all I can think about is how horrible I feel. I feel so inconsiderate and I know that I’m grateful, I’m appreciative, but I just can’t really show it, I can’t feel it right now.
On top of all that, despite knowing that he’s still here with me, I feel alone. See, for me, whenever I get depressed, all I want to do is lay in bed and hold my bear because that’s all I can do. What I mean is this: it’s all I can do because what I really want is to have someone next to me, friend or something more, to just hold me while I cry, while I just sit there and feel the warmth of that person transfer to me (because I get cold easily). That’s what I really want, but I settle for trying to use my bear as support because every time I’m down, no one is here with me. That’s why I feel alone. I know it’s a stupid way to think of it, but that’s all I ever really want when I’m down. I just want someone here with me to do all these crazy things and to just hold me. Most of all, I just want an infinite hug.
I just want to feel better, but not only do I not know where to start, a large part of me feels as if I deserve this sadness, that I deserve to suffer through this alone because I’m such a horrible person. A part of me thinks that because I brought this upon myself, I need to go through it myself. I just don’t know what to do though. Because I can be a modest person and because of the way I grew up, I feel as if I can’t really reach out to people, that I’m not worth somebody else’s time. My two childhood friends would just try to get me drunk, I’ve already called up my white knight, and I feel the other friends can’t offer what I need right now. So I can’t reach out; everybody else seems so far away.
This is stupid, I know it, but I can’t find a way to get up.
I believe that if you truly love someone, then you would never even think about cheating on that person. I admit that I have been unfaithful before, but when I think back on it, I realize that I stopped caring about the relationship at that point.
See, I was thinking back on a book I read, The Average American Male. It starts off about a guy who’s with this particular girl, but he doesn’t quite understand why he’s with her despite how much he hates her and all the things she does. (Then again, he might be with her for the security of getting sex.) Anyway, *spoiler ahead* he ends up cheating on her and thinks about cheating on her often. However, he later finds another girl and doesn’t cheat whatsoever. His wants don’t change much from girl to girl, but with the last one, he doesn’t even think about going out of his way to find another fuck.
So with that in mind, I’ve come to realize that a lot of people cheat because 1) they don’t have respect for the person they’re with and/or 2) they may or may not realize that they don’t care for their relationship.
I mean, doesn’t it make sense? Those who go out of their way to cheat either have weak morals, don’t understand themselves to realize their relationship is over, or are too cowardly to admit to the other that it’s over. I figure that if you love someone enough and if you care about someone enough, you wouldn’t even need to think twice about cheating. Sure, a lot of times, it’s unexpected, but when it’s not, then what can you conclude? And then, when it’s unexpected, you always have a choice. Even in the last second, there is always a chance to make that decision.
Anyway, that’s just my two cents. I’m sure there are other reasons as to why a person might be unfaithful.
It’s so easy for someone to make rules that s/he wants to follow, but when that one special person comes along, all the rules get bent and broken.
So then, what’s the point of making the rules? Are the rules there to weed out the bad ones? Or because we feel that all the other relationships have been so bad that having rules makes it “safe” again.
But see, the rules get broken. Especially when someone comes along and takes your heart away, the rules get trampled on. It doesn’t always mean in a good way either. (I just want to believe it’s in the good way because I’m such a hopeless romantic.) The point is that we are so apt to make these guide lines that we believe future significant others need to follow, yet we always find a way to bend them to fit, to break them to mold.
My question is then, what’s the point? Why go through all that hassle? Or maybe, you use the rules as a measurement of how much you’re willing to change and to sacrifice for this one person.
Why is it that the “ideal” college life means partying, drugs/pot, drinking, and most of all: the single life? I’ve noticed a little more lately that many students prefer to be single, just to know what it’s like not to be tied down in college. College is freedom. Freedom from parents mostly, but does that mean freedom from romance too?
Sure, there are always those with college boy/girlfriends, but I’ve noticed that many are still single, especially those who prefer to be quite social. Is that how it’s supposed to be though? In order to be a social person, you need to be single? Or can someone be able to do both?
What is this mystery, this desire to be unattached? Is being free really all that great? I watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy and Christina, after Burke broke up with her, yelled out “I’m free! I’m finally free!” but broke down crying after realizing that fact. For me, the message I pulled out was that Christina didn’t want to be free, she didn’t want to be liberated. She seemed miserable.
So, what’s the deal with the single life? What’s the hype? Is it all that great anyway? Sure, you don’t have anyone to “report” to, no one else to consider but yourself, but is it worth it? Or maybe it’s the idea that for the first three years of college, it’s okay for one to be single and “fun,” but after that, it’s about finding the right person and beginning to settle down. I honestly don’t understand what’s so special about wanting to be single in college. Or maybe I don’t like that idea because being single means there are so many choices to choose from to not be single.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. If someone can explain the whole notion better than I can, please do so because I’m just baffled.
Quick site updates: Boscardin’s first anniversary is coming soon and for that, I’m doing a major site revamp including a new layout. Right now, the site runs on both Wordpress and manual pages (as I like to call them). The revamp will make this site run mostly by Wordpress, so I’m in the process of converting everything. I did a cleanup of those hosted here and I’ve kept about five active and added two new ones. Anyway, stick around the next couple of weeks to see the new site!
(Back to the good stuff now…)
Recently, I had a friend contact me just to say hello, to see how I was doing, and to apologize for having left me hanging. I wrote a “last letter” type of thing a while back on this post.
Anyway, when she first sent me that IM, I was hesitant. I didn’t know how I should reply: Should I be cold and unresponsive, or should I try and be relatively friendly? Well, I chose the latter and made small talk with her. It wasn’t as much as I would have said if I didn’t hold so much animosity, but it was more than a cold shoulder.
So this got me thinking then about relationships and friendships in general. There comes a time in your life when you realize that the person you thought was going to be there, isn’t there anymore or that person just happened to have taken a blade, sliced your bloody heart out and hung it to dry. For many, that can create feelings of hate, betrayal, distrust, and much more.
My question then is whether or not you should ever accept this person back into your life again. Yes, people can change for the better, but does it help lessen the hurt and pain you went through? You can get over it and move on, but the relationship will never be the same as it once had been. It will never hold its full glory and shine like the best jewels. But will you accept this person who has caused so much pain in your life, heart, and soul back?
Sure, many will say to give this person another chance, but what if you already had? Maybe the better question is whether or not you want this person back into your life? What if you’re indifferent about this person now? Then, does it make a difference? Should you continue to be amiable to this person when s/he initiates contact?
How long do you hold that grudge? How long do you choose to remember the pain?
What if that person is no longer holding the knife, but you are?
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