Some of you may have noticed that I do like to share what most would consider something private, or at least a little more intimate. You’ve seen the start of my smoking and my tendency to punish myself.
And a thought occurred to me: Who would I really tell about these things? I haven’t told my sister, my family, even some of my closest friends. I remember during the last few months of last year (2007), I was completely miserable and it didn’t seem like I was improving. Stockton Boy was there with me through most of it and saw me fall so far down and that, upset him. It upset him because he wanted to be a good friend, he wanted to help me but he didn’t know how to or whatever he did wouldn’t help. He was miserable just to see me miserable.
During those times, when I would put myself down and wallow in my low self-esteem, he was frustrated. He yelled at me because I wasn’t paying attention to how he felt, how worried and stressed he had become because of me. I was not trying to get better and in doing so, hurt him more.
I guess what I’m trying to ask is how would you tell a close friend about your self-destructive behavior? Would you tell a friend if you had no plans to stop the behavior? Telling your close friend would only upset him, right? And if you don’t want to stop, then he’s going to keep worrying about you until you do and that would cause more grief, wouldn’t it?
For example, take my smoking (save your fingers; don’t tell me to quit). I tell my sister (if she asks anyway) just about anything and I have refrained from telling her about this. I haven’t even told my good friend, JL, either because the first time he found out, he was really concerned about me. I choose not to tell them because I know that I don’t want to quit right now and having them know about this makes them more stressed out about me.
Are some secrets better left unsaid? Or should you share them with the people that are closest to you, despite knowing how much hurt it can cause?
As some of you may (or may not) know, I recently picked up a rather nasty habit (or at least nasty to me): I started smoking. This began a few months ago and I tried to keep it under wraps for a while. In the beginning, I would only do it in my own company, never around anybody else. Then I started doing it as I was just out on the streets (and yes, I tried my best to be considerate to those who were walking around me). I never really let anybody in on the frequency of my nasty habit; I just mentioned it if it was either brought up or worth mentioning. I had briefly mentioned it before to my doctor, but I don’t think I let him in on where I had my first cigarette.
Yes, this may be a bit shocking, but I had my first cigarette right next to Stockton Boy’s apartment building. No, he did not see me and I think a part of me wanted him to. When I brought this up again with my doctor on Friday, he mentioned that perhaps I was doing it because of him.
Here’s an example (unrelated to this): Your dad tells you to not jump on the bed but you do it anyway either to spite him or to defy him. Well, for me, I doubt that I was spiting anyone; it was more of a defiance. Stockton Boy hates alcohol and smoking, so what do I do? I pick them both up. Well, the alcohol had already been a social thing for me, so it wasn’t as if I was making a big life change, but the smoking? Now that was big.
So after I went through all of my studying, I finally got a chance to breathe and I thought about the whole topic some more. I realized that although he has a much less involvement in my life now than he did a few months ago, Stockton Boy still has a control over my life and I hate that. I hate that I may have started smoking in order to do what he did not want me to do and I hate that even six months later, I’m still a wreck. But at least I was able to make a decision during this thinking process of mine: I’m quitting.
During these last two months, I kept wondering why I was smoking when I knew how detrimental it was to my health and I knew how badly it smelled to most people. Now I know and now I can finally tell myself that it’s a stupid reason to have done it in the first place. But hey, sometimes you need to make mistakes in order to grow as a person, right?
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate all of the love and support so many of you have shown me. Yes, I am still planning on returning and replying to all comments as well as catching up on my RSS feeds. Though, if I could just ask for one thing: Don’t leave ‘It’s good you’ve quit.’ comments unless you plan to expand. I know, it’s a bit picky, but I feel as if I’m standing here sharing my secrets that even my sister doesn’t know (until she reads this) and this is a post that deserves much more than that.
Good night folks.
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