Posts Tagged ‘Stockton Boy’
I was talking to my friend last night and I had told her that I wasn’t going to start a romantic relationship with anyone until I could be ready to love again. I said that it would be unfair to the other person if I was incapable of putting all of myself into the relationship if I was still badly hurt or broken.
So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.
From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.
And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.
Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)
Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?
What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?
(more…)
I know, I said that I would come back better than ever with a new layout, but things have gotten a little time consuming lately. In a nutshell, I worked my ass off for the clothing store from hell, got fired before I could quit, then started a new job as a cashier at a market/deli. On top of that, I was trying to get schoolwork done and started putting in a few more social events. I’ll write a recap post on that later.
Lately, I’ve noticed how much I’ve been thinking about the past. Sure, I do that all the time, but as of late, it’s had a different feeling… it’s more of the remembering the good days, or remembering the good people.
Not necessarily through death, but I’ve lost a lot of good relationships with people and I absolutely hate that, I do. It’s hard for me when it happens, but I just have to try and pick myself up, and move on.
Except at least right now, it feels exceptionally hard.
In the last four years, I’ve lost a lot of people. There was a good friend (DT) who won’t speak to me now due one mistake I foolishly made, my senior year boyfriend (MN), my childhood best friend (VN) I had known ever since kindergarten, my breaststroke swimming partner (AL), and many others. Sure it’s all a fact of life; people grow up and they grow into different groups and lives, but even the most different of people can keep friendships, right?
Of course, to seal the deal to all this reminiscing, Stockton Boy and I had a major blowout a few days ago. I could see that what happened with VN was happening with Stockton Boy; he was getting too busy for me despite having told me it could never happen. But it did and I ended up getting extremely upset. My stress was fueled even more when he couldn’t understand how hurt and upset I was because his guards had gone flying up.
Although I know that he wasn’t on anyone’s good side anymore, I still wanted to be his friend. I needed to be his friend because he was the closest thing I had to being able to lean on someone without feeling as if I was imposing on someone’s schoolwork and time. Then, in the last month, he wasn’t there and I just… I couldn’t handle it; I can’t handle it.
What does all this have to do with the past? A lot of people get upset when they think back on how things used to be. If I didn’t, maybe I wouldn’t have blown up like I did at Stockton Boy. I wouldn’t have thought on the days when we used to call each other (as friends) just to say goodnight for fifteen seconds. I wouldn’t have thought back on the time I was walking through my school hallways after being dumped and seeing DT right there with his arms open wide for me. I wouldn’t think back on the times MN and I used to be on the phone for hours teasing each other about useless crap. I wouldn’t remember all of the three-hour long conversations (and possibly longer) with VN and how close we were as friends despite how far apart we lived. If I didn’t think back on any of those, I wouldn’t feel as shitty as I do now. Most people wouldn’t feel so shitty if they didn’t do what I do. Except, it’s hard.
I had a feeling that a ex-boyfriend, MM, I recently got reacquainted with may have a crush on me again and last night, it was confirmed. He was doing what I did; he was thinking back to how good things were when we dated, however short it was. I know that in some cases, and for now only the ones that I’ve seen in movies, some people can date, fall out, get reacquainted and then date again to have an even better relationship. Except, this isn’t one of those movie moments and only when I got the confirmation did I realize how dangerous it is to remember the good ol’ days.
It’s ironic that so many good memories can be so bittersweet, but it happens.
So what now? How do you try and change your focus? It will always be the good ol’ days, but how can you make it have a good feeling as opposed to a longing feeling? Maybe it’s just slowly trying to come to terms with it, but as you can see in my case, I never came to terms with any of my lost friendships, my lost relationships.
I was reading a book, The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo, and through that, I could see how easy it was for the protagonist to just let go of the past. Through his journey, he didn’t dwell on the fact that he couldn’t see the merchant’s daughter one more time, and used his good memories on his shepherding days to get what he needed out of his journey. (I highly recommend this book to everyone, by the way) There is this word in Arabic, maktub, that is loosely translated to: It is written. This book is a good example of that because it implies that if things were meant to be, if things were meant to happen, then it will be because it was written by God.
I do believe in that word; that there’s fate, destiny, and a God who doesn’t necessarily control, but puts certain events and people in your lives for a reason. In the end, if it was meant to happen and meant to be, it will be. If I was meant to continue to have good relationships with those people, I would and if I don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.
Anyway, that’s a whole other topic that I can write on, but the main point from the last two paragraphs is just the other way of thinking I suppose. Maybe it’s not supposed to be easy or be less painful; maybe it’s just supposed to be.
—————————————————
Hopefully one day soon, I will get that new damned layout up. I have the picture I’m going to use; I just need to find the time to code everything and make sure all the plugins I want to use will work. I apologize for the rather long hiatus and for those who came back to visit only to see that the new posts were advertisements (hey, I need all the income I can get at this point). I’ll write a page explaining my stance on that soon.
I am really bad at cheering myself up. This time, I’m relating myself to Usher’s song, “Moving Mountains.” Here’s the part that first took me down:
I lost my way, she said she’d stay
And lately I’ve been sleeping with a ghost
My stock is down and out, I used to be worth my weight in gold
That was before a great depression kicked in and rocked us
And that was before a hurricane came in and stopped us
I told you to leave, but you lied to me
When you said that, baby no worries I promise to get us back
I know sorries, just wouldn’t do it,
Her heart is obliterated, I”m trying to travel through
But it’s like moving mountains…
It’s like moving mountains…
But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns grey, and the water from the rain, washes progress away
It’s like moving mountains…
It’s been six months now. The other day, I was talking to a coworker since she was also going through some relationship problems and she said that if the relationship lasted over six months, it takes twice as long as the relationship to completely get over the person. Now, the key word in that is “completely” I believe, but there are some cases in which that’s not true. The last one, DL, lasted about a year and a half and well, it’s not going take me three years to get over him. In fact, it took me the last three months of our relationship for me to get over him.
(Okay, that was a bit harsh, but true, nonetheless)
I know that I keep saying that I’m still waiting, but I just don’t know what to do here. I try to meet new people when I get the change, but, it just doesn’t work out for me somehow. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or rather, I don’t know how to do anything right now. In class, I wrote a letter that I will never send. Why? Well, partly because the documentaries we were watching were boring as hell and two, just to see what thoughts I could put on paper. Of course, he’ll never see it. I’m shredding it as soon as I tear it out of my notebook. But still, I wrote it anyway.
Damn you Usher. Then again, I could say the same for Leona Lewis and Ashanti…
As some of you may (or may not) know, I recently picked up a rather nasty habit (or at least nasty to me): I started smoking. This began a few months ago and I tried to keep it under wraps for a while. In the beginning, I would only do it in my own company, never around anybody else. Then I started doing it as I was just out on the streets (and yes, I tried my best to be considerate to those who were walking around me). I never really let anybody in on the frequency of my nasty habit; I just mentioned it if it was either brought up or worth mentioning. I had briefly mentioned it before to my doctor, but I don’t think I let him in on where I had my first cigarette.
Yes, this may be a bit shocking, but I had my first cigarette right next to Stockton Boy’s apartment building. No, he did not see me and I think a part of me wanted him to. When I brought this up again with my doctor on Friday, he mentioned that perhaps I was doing it because of him.
Here’s an example (unrelated to this): Your dad tells you to not jump on the bed but you do it anyway either to spite him or to defy him. Well, for me, I doubt that I was spiting anyone; it was more of a defiance. Stockton Boy hates alcohol and smoking, so what do I do? I pick them both up. Well, the alcohol had already been a social thing for me, so it wasn’t as if I was making a big life change, but the smoking? Now that was big.
So after I went through all of my studying, I finally got a chance to breathe and I thought about the whole topic some more. I realized that although he has a much less involvement in my life now than he did a few months ago, Stockton Boy still has a control over my life and I hate that. I hate that I may have started smoking in order to do what he did not want me to do and I hate that even six months later, I’m still a wreck. But at least I was able to make a decision during this thinking process of mine: I’m quitting.
During these last two months, I kept wondering why I was smoking when I knew how detrimental it was to my health and I knew how badly it smelled to most people. Now I know and now I can finally tell myself that it’s a stupid reason to have done it in the first place. But hey, sometimes you need to make mistakes in order to grow as a person, right?
Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate all of the love and support so many of you have shown me. Yes, I am still planning on returning and replying to all comments as well as catching up on my RSS feeds. Though, if I could just ask for one thing: Don’t leave ‘It’s good you’ve quit.’ comments unless you plan to expand. I know, it’s a bit picky, but I feel as if I’m standing here sharing my secrets that even my sister doesn’t know (until she reads this) and this is a post that deserves much more than that.
Good night folks.
So, I missed a day of blogging. Goodness. I was quite tired though. Do you know when I went to bed last night? At 9:45 pm. Yes, that is quite amazing considering the fact that I haven’t done that in ages. Well, when I lied down, I was under the impression that I would only be napping for about two hours. Then I’d get up and get some work done. However, that didn’t happen quite like I planned. Sure, I woke up, but it was only to turn off my alarms to go back to sleep.
Work has got me pretty tired, but it’s okay. I’m making the money. However, I keep spending it when I buy clothes at the store. I can’t help it! They’ve got good styles and such cute underwear! I’m horrible at saving, I know, I know.
And now something’s wrong with Stockton Boy and we don’t know what’s going on. He went into the emergency room today in order to get it checked out but since they couldn’t figure it out, they said to come back in two days if the problem persists and well, he’d better go back.
Speaking of the devil… I’m still waiting for the day when I can finally be free from the pain in my heart. I know, that sounds so stereotypically “emo,” but how else am I going to express my feelings? I’m not poetic enough nor am I well versed in the English vocabulary to make it sound elegant and sophisticated. Yes, it aches to know that he’s not mine. It aches to know that he still wants her. It aches to know that all I can be is his friend. It aches, aches, and aches some more. Some think that I should stay away from him, but I can’t. There’s just something that keeps drawing me back in and I just… I care a whole lot about him, I do. I just wish that he could want me in the way that he used to, but I can’t wish for that anymore.
I should get to starting my homework. There are three weekly assignments that I need to complete by Saturday including the fact that I still have to study for that exam. On top of that, I have a project that I have to deliver by Saturday as well.
I can’t wait until Saturday is over.
Older Posts »
RSS Feed