Posted under: Blog365

So, I missed a day of blogging. Goodness. I was quite tired though. Do you know when I went to bed last night? At 9:45 pm. Yes, that is quite amazing considering the fact that I haven’t done that in ages. Well, when I lied down, I was under the impression that I would only be napping for about two hours. Then I’d get up and get some work done. However, that didn’t happen quite like I planned. Sure, I woke up, but it was only to turn off my alarms to go back to sleep.

Work has got me pretty tired, but it’s okay. I’m making the money. However, I keep spending it when I buy clothes at the store. I can’t help it! They’ve got good styles and such cute underwear! I’m horrible at saving, I know, I know.

And now something’s wrong with Stockton Boy and we don’t know what’s going on. He went into the emergency room today in order to get it checked out but since they couldn’t figure it out, they said to come back in two days if the problem persists and well, he’d better go back.

Speaking of the devil… I’m still waiting for the day when I can finally be free from the pain in my heart. I know, that sounds so stereotypically “emo,” but how else am I going to express my feelings? I’m not poetic enough nor am I well versed in the English vocabulary to make it sound elegant and sophisticated. Yes, it aches to know that he’s not mine. It aches to know that he still wants her. It aches to know that all I can be is his friend. It aches, aches, and aches some more. Some think that I should stay away from him, but I can’t. There’s just something that keeps drawing me back in and I just… I care a whole lot about him, I do. I just wish that he could want me in the way that he used to, but I can’t wish for that anymore.

I should get to starting my homework. There are three weekly assignments that I need to complete by Saturday including the fact that I still have to study for that exam. On top of that, I have a project that I have to deliver by Saturday as well.

I can’t wait until Saturday is over.

Tags: Blog365, busy, Life, occupied, school, Stockton Boy, work

Posted under: Blog365, Life, Relationships, Thoughts

Through my sessions with my psychiatrist, we’ve uncovered that I have this knack to punish myself. It’s a disturbing thought in a way and I’m still unsure about how to deal with it. See, what happens is that when I feel that I’ve done something wrong, such as hurt a friend, hurt my parents, I take it out on myself. I feel that because of my wrongdoings, I need to be punished. Sometimes it’s through self-mutilation or just a mental beat down. There was even a serious event that landed me in the hospital.

The thing is, I honestly don’t know how to handle this. The logical thing would be to stop beating myself up, but I just can’t seem to find the strength to overcome this large obstacle that controls everything that I do because this contributes to everything from my low self-esteem to my fears. It’s not going to be an easy journey and I honestly have no idea on what to do.

Sometimes, I think that the reason why I’m so depressed right now about the whole Stockton Boy situation is because I feel that I need to be this hurt, I feel that I need to be suffering this much because I lost someone very important to me in the way that I did not want to lose him. He told me that I could have still had him as a good friend, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more and when he moved on, it crushed me; it still does.

I’m sorry; this isn’t exactly the happiest post around, but that’s what blogs are for, right? If this is too hard for some of you to try and leave a comment on, then feel free to tell me about your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Or comment on both topics; that works too.

Oh, one more thing. Please sign up for the SOTW and SOTM contests! So far, Julie has been the only one to submit applications and as much as I love her, she’s already got the plug on my blogroll and perhaps someone else deserves the chance? Links are in the sidebar.

Tags: depression, hospital, punishment, Stockton Boy, Valentine's Day